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My MIL had to be told to stop asking about grandchildren too. You have to be firm and say that every time she mentions it, she's piling on more pressure which means another 3 months she won't be getting any!
Its getting pretty bad. Yes, we're getting older. We both turned 30 a few months ago. I am not sure if its because she's obviously also getting older (46), or if its because she has Lupus and fears by the time I have a child, she won't be around to see them, but its to the point where I don't even want to visit my parents because this topic always comes up, and it get heated. I stand my ground of "we're not ready, we want them, but the time isn't right". The more she talks, fights, cries (yeah..), the more I realize that its not so much something for us, but rather something for her. A status symbol, a club to join, a box to check. I told her that we will be ready for a child in a few more years in which she cried "you're going to make me wait that long?!" The pressure is all on me, as I am an old child. It doesn't help that all my old classmates are already married and have children. Most of them are still in the small town, working odd jobs, or minimum wage, with help from the Government.
Furthermore, she's not even around. I moved about 2,000 miles away to pursue my dream job, and absolutely love it. I am at a critical point of my life, trying to make a name for myself at work, and my gf is doing the same. We're both working overnights, and put in as much time as we can, to earn as much money as we can...so we can give that child, or children a good life, and pay for a daycare. From what I understand, not only do most good day cares have a waiting list, but its like a second mortgage or rent payment. We are building a foundation. We live in a small, cheap apartment, and are saving for a house. This is no place for a child, anyway.
I don't ever see myself returning to the small farm town I grew up in, there is just no way I could go back to that high COL, poor economy, and everything else that goes along with small town living.
In the six years that I've been down here, my parents only came for a visit once. My uncle and aunt (who also moved from that small town) live about an hour away and had a baby. I am sure, if it wasn't for the birth of their son, my parents wouldn't visited at all! Airline tickets are expensive, but I work in the airline industry, and one of the perks is free travel. This extends to my gf, and both parents. Despite them getting a free ride down here (we also have a spare bedroom etc), they refuse to visit. Always coming up with excuses, always too busy (Insert name of season, followed by those seasonal farm activities). I am always the one going up there to visit. While on the topic of free travel, we LOVE to travel, and we have a few more countries we'd love to visit. I have heard travel can be a nightmare with a little one in tow.
If we do have a child tomorrow, will their schedules magically free up? Will they come down for a few days, hold the baby, take pictures, and then disappear again? She would, after all, be "promoted" to "Grandma" and get her checkbox and membership card into that club, right? But then..the question of "when are you going to try for another one?"
I have a vacation coming up, and as it turns out my mother will also have that week off (teacher, spring break). I thought about flying up for the week, but I just can't handle any more baby talk! How can I deal with this? Should I tell her not to talk about it any more and WE will bring up the subject when we're ready? Just be ready for whatever tears, anger, or whatever other emotions come out. Cut my vacation short if she protests?
Thank you!
You'll have to tell her, "Mom, life isn't always about you. You need to take other people's needs and preferences into consideration. We're not ready career-wise, and won't be for a few years. You're a big girl, you can exercise some patience. This subject is now closed. I won't discuss it with you any more. Do not bring it up again."
OP, it seems that you're close to your mom...? I can't imagine any 30-year-old guy spending his vacation with mom. I've never heard of that. Usually, a few holidays through the year (Xmas, Thxgiving, 4th of July maybe) are enough. Especially in view of what you're dealing with, that's a perfectly reasonable schedule. Enjoy your vacation with your wife. That's one reason you married her, isn't it?
For starters, you might tell your mother that at 46, she would be an extremely young grandmother. If she's worrying about being physically able to do things with a grandchild, she still has tons of time.
Other than that, you should tell her everything you wrote here. If you tell her all that and she still doesn't understand, then she is a very immature 46-year-old.
Most people don't WANT to be grandparents in their 40's! But the OP's mom's lifespan is limited, so as he says, that may have something to do with it. Still, she's made her interest known; it's time to back off. I'm still scratching my head as to why a grown man would want to spend his vacation with his mother. Maybe for the same reason--she may not be around in 10 years? What's her prognosis, OP?
Its getting pretty bad. Yes, we're getting older. We both turned 30 a few months ago. I am not sure if its because she's obviously also getting older (46), or if its because she has Lupus and fears by the time I have a child, she won't be around to see them, but its to the point where I don't even want to visit my parents because this topic always comes up, and it get heated. I stand my ground of "we're not ready, we want them, but the time isn't right". The more she talks, fights, cries (yeah..), the more I realize that its not so much something for us, but rather something for her. A status symbol, a club to join, a box to check. I told her that we will be ready for a child in a few more years in which she cried "you're going to make me wait that long?!" The pressure is all on me, as I am an old child. It doesn't help that all my old classmates are already married and have children. Most of them are still in the small town, working odd jobs, or minimum wage, with help from the Government.
Furthermore, she's not even around. I moved about 2,000 miles away to pursue my dream job, and absolutely love it. I am at a critical point of my life, trying to make a name for myself at work, and my gf is doing the same. We're both working overnights, and put in as much time as we can, to earn as much money as we can...so we can give that child, or children a good life, and pay for a daycare. From what I understand, not only do most good day cares have a waiting list, but its like a second mortgage or rent payment. We are building a foundation. We live in a small, cheap apartment, and are saving for a house. This is no place for a child, anyway.
I don't ever see myself returning to the small farm town I grew up in, there is just no way I could go back to that high COL, poor economy, and everything else that goes along with small town living.
In the six years that I've been down here, my parents only came for a visit once. My uncle and aunt (who also moved from that small town) live about an hour away and had a baby. I am sure, if it wasn't for the birth of their son, my parents wouldn't visited at all! Airline tickets are expensive, but I work in the airline industry, and one of the perks is free travel. This extends to my gf, and both parents. Despite them getting a free ride down here (we also have a spare bedroom etc), they refuse to visit. Always coming up with excuses, always too busy (Insert name of season, followed by those seasonal farm activities). I am always the one going up there to visit. While on the topic of free travel, we LOVE to travel, and we have a few more countries we'd love to visit. I have heard travel can be a nightmare with a little one in tow.
If we do have a child tomorrow, will their schedules magically free up? Will they come down for a few days, hold the baby, take pictures, and then disappear again? She would, after all, be "promoted" to "Grandma" and get her checkbox and membership card into that club, right? But then..the question of "when are you going to try for another one?"
I have a vacation coming up, and as it turns out my mother will also have that week off (teacher, spring break). I thought about flying up for the week, but I just can't handle any more baby talk! How can I deal with this? Should I tell her not to talk about it any more and WE will bring up the subject when we're ready? Just be ready for whatever tears, anger, or whatever other emotions come out. Cut my vacation short if she protests?
Thank you!
30 is getting older? OK. I know many couples who didn't start having kids until they were much further into their 30s.
Your mother had you at 16, so maybe in her mind you're older as well.
I'm sorry she is ill, but many people who have Lupus live long lives. Besides that you now live 2,000 miles from her, so it's not like "grandma" is going to be around to watch your child frequently or be able to pick you child up from school when they're sick if you're working.
Tell her to knock it off. She is being very selfish. I know a woman much older than your mother who has no grandchildren either. She has become an "adopted" grandmother to a neighbor's child and now sees her once or twice a week.
Tell you mother to try that. It's ridiculous given the logistics that even if you a child your mother would see her more than once or maybe twice a year.
She had you at 16? Look back...it's probably something familial. At your age you're supposed to be married and have kids....
It's like that in some families. When my grandfather was very ill, we went to see him. He'd always been blunt. When he saw me, he couldn't place me, and when I told him who I was, he asked how old I was. When I said 16, and I just got my drivers licence. He asked are you married yet? I said no, I'm only 16. He said get out of my house. Last words my grandfather said to me.
In his world at 16 I should have been married, in the kitchen and having babies. So -- I think you're over thinking this. If history could speak, at 16, your mother made her 30 something mother a grandmother, and her not quite 50 something grandmother a great grandmother and her just now signing up for Medicare great grandmother a great great grandmother....
It sounds like you've put up with this uncomfortable conversation long enough. You have to just stop it. As soon as she mentions it to you, you just have to say...this is not open for discussion. Period. Cut her off before she can get wound up.
You say 'gf' which I would guess means you are not even married yet! Tell her that your plan is that 3 or 5 years (whatever timeline you have in mind) after you are married you will perhaps begin baby-making. Tell her you hope that will give her something to look forward to. If you haven't even set a date yet though you might want to be prepared for that to be the next thing on her wish list.
"Mom, I hear what you're saying, but we're going to have children when - and only when - we decide we're ready. I love you too much to argue with you about this, so if you keep bringing it up, I'll have to say goodbye for today."
If she really wants a baby she can go out and adopt one herself.
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