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You are right to be upset, OP. Your childbearing is your business, not your mother's .
I get how she feels though. My youngest grand child is about to be off to college, but I have a son (34) who got married last year who doesn't have children yet.
I do not even ask them, because it is not my business. Not only that, but what if they couldn't have children, for some medical reason? I wouldn't want my DIL to think she wasn't important except for a vessel for children.
My only consolation is that I think HER mother and grandmother are putting pressure on her to have a baby.
I personally know two young women in their early/mid 30s who are medically unable to have children. In both cases the main reason that I know is because I am a close relative, most people (their friends, other relatives, co-workers) are not aware that they will never be able to have children.
While their parents do not bug them for grandchildren, because they are aware of their medical issues, it is surprising how many other people do that. Usually it is "good natured ribbing" like a buddy showing off their new baby and saying "When are you going have a baby so that our kids can play together" or someone saying "Hey, you've been married for five years, are you thinking about kids, yet?" But, in each case it is like a dagger to their heart and the heart of their spouse because they are still getting over learning that they can never have biological children.
Last edited by germaine2626; 02-07-2017 at 08:13 AM..
You are over 30 and not ready for a kid. You are never going to have one. Get used to the idea. Tell Mom so she can get used to the idea too.
I do not think that is accurate in all cases. Remember that the OP is not even married yet.
I know plenty of people who did not marry until they were in their 30 and still decided to have children and are very happy with their decision.
Heck, someone who I love dearly did not find her soul mate until her mid/late 30s, married and had two children just before she turned 40.
Now, if a couple married at age 20 or 22 and ten or twelve or fifteen years later still "aren't ready" or are "undecided" about having children that is a completely different situation.
Like someone else said, figure out how much a baby/child costs to bring up, then present that to your mother. Does she want to take the finances over? Money issues take the onus off you, directly.
Frankly, I don't understand how anyone---outside of that 1%---can afford kids....
It's strange to me that you need to present a case to your mother. This is a decision within your marriage, not a family debate. You have the power to shut down the conversation, use it.
Sorry, I chuckled when I read this. I was 37 when my son was born.
Unfortunately, you've hit on something that has some truth to it. Grandchildren are a huge status symbol, especially for folks in rural areas (sounds like your hometown) - I can't even count how many times someone has bragged to me about how many grandchildren they have. Even complete strangers standing in line at the grocery store.
I agree with other posters that the only option is to keep standing firm. Keep it short and sweet, don't defend your decision or rationalize or otherwise allow the discussion to continue down that path. She will get angry the first few times and probably try to guilt trip you (may even break out the tears), stay strong.
You may have just hit the nail on the head. When people ask me how many grandkids I have and I tell them 12..
Some of them are a little overly thrilled for me and say how lucky I am or how blessed I am and then lament how they only have 1 or 3 or none.
I don't get it. My kids didn't ask me for permission to have babies. I had nothing to do with it. Really.
OP, tell mom in no uncertain terms you're not going to visit if she brings up the baby conversation. If when you're there and she does.. then it's time to leave. Yes, she's your mom but you don't need to be pressured to have kids when you're not ready... if you ever are. That's totally your decision and no one elses.
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