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Its getting pretty bad. Yes, we're getting older. We both turned 30 a few months ago. I am not sure if its because she's obviously also getting older (46), or if its because she has Lupus and fears by the time I have a child, she won't be around to see them, but its to the point where I don't even want to visit my parents because this topic always comes up, and it get heated. I stand my ground of "we're not ready, we want them, but the time isn't right". The more she talks, fights, cries (yeah..), the more I realize that its not so much something for us, but rather something for her. A status symbol, a club to join, a box to check. I told her that we will be ready for a child in a few more years in which she cried "you're going to make me wait that long?!" The pressure is all on me, as I am an old child. It doesn't help that all my old classmates are already married and have children. Most of them are still in the small town, working odd jobs, or minimum wage, with help from the Government.
Furthermore, she's not even around. I moved about 2,000 miles away to pursue my dream job, and absolutely love it. I am at a critical point of my life, trying to make a name for myself at work, and my gf is doing the same. We're both working overnights, and put in as much time as we can, to earn as much money as we can...so we can give that child, or children a good life, and pay for a daycare. From what I understand, not only do most good day cares have a waiting list, but its like a second mortgage or rent payment. We are building a foundation. We live in a small, cheap apartment, and are saving for a house. This is no place for a child, anyway.
I don't ever see myself returning to the small farm town I grew up in, there is just no way I could go back to that high COL, poor economy, and everything else that goes along with small town living.
In the six years that I've been down here, my parents only came for a visit once. My uncle and aunt (who also moved from that small town) live about an hour away and had a baby. I am sure, if it wasn't for the birth of their son, my parents wouldn't visited at all! Airline tickets are expensive, but I work in the airline industry, and one of the perks is free travel. This extends to my gf, and both parents. Despite them getting a free ride down here (we also have a spare bedroom etc), they refuse to visit. Always coming up with excuses, always too busy (Insert name of season, followed by those seasonal farm activities). I am always the one going up there to visit. While on the topic of free travel, we LOVE to travel, and we have a few more countries we'd love to visit. I have heard travel can be a nightmare with a little one in tow.
If we do have a child tomorrow, will their schedules magically free up? Will they come down for a few days, hold the baby, take pictures, and then disappear again? She would, after all, be "promoted" to "Grandma" and get her checkbox and membership card into that club, right? But then..the question of "when are you going to try for another one?"
I have a vacation coming up, and as it turns out my mother will also have that week off (teacher, spring break). I thought about flying up for the week, but I just can't handle any more baby talk! How can I deal with this? Should I tell her not to talk about it any more and WE will bring up the subject when we're ready? Just be ready for whatever tears, anger, or whatever other emotions come out. Cut my vacation short if she protests?
Thank you!
Last edited by leadingedge04; 02-06-2017 at 01:37 AM..
Tell your mom to stop and mean it. If she brings up the subject while on the phone, hang up. If she brings up the subject while you are visiting, leave immediately. You need to do this consistently until it penetrates her head. I would not bother visiting her now. Take your vacation and go somewhere not stressful.
Tell your mom to stop and mean it. If she brings up the subject while on the phone, hang up. If she brings up the subject while you are visiting, leave immediately. You need to do this consistently until it penetrates her head. I would not bother visiting her now. Take your vacation and go somewhere not stressful.
I agree.
You're going to have to stand strong. Since things already become heated, just tell her, in no uncertain terms, that you will not be able to visit if she keeps this up. Tell her what you wrote here. It's unfair for her to force her wishes on you, and if she continues, you will limit your visits.
DO not take your vacation to see her. You know what will happen.
Its getting pretty bad. Yes, we're getting older. We both turned 30 a few months ago. I am not sure if its because she's obviously also getting older (46), or if its because she has Lupus and fears by the time I have a child, she won't be around to see them, but its to the point where I don't even want to visit my parents because this topic always comes up, and it get heated. I stand my ground of "we're not ready, we want them, but the time isn't right". The more she talks, fights, cries (yeah..), the more I realize that its not so much something for us, but rather something for her. A status symbol, a club to join, a box to check. I told her that we will be ready for a child in a few more years in which she cried "you're going to make me wait that long?!" The pressure is all on me, as I am an old child. It doesn't help that all my old classmates are already married and have children. Most of them are still in the small town, working odd jobs, or minimum wage, with help from the Government.
Furthermore, she's not even around. I moved about 2,000 miles away to pursue my dream job, and absolutely love it. I am at a critical point of my life, trying to make a name for myself at work, and my gf is doing the same. We're both working overnights, and put in as much time as we can, to earn as much money as we can...so we can give that child, or children a good life, and pay for a daycare. From what I understand, not only do most good day cares have a waiting list, but its like a second mortgage or rent payment. We are building a foundation. We live in a small, cheap apartment, and are saving for a house. This is no place for a child, anyway.
I don't ever see myself returning to the small farm town I grew up in, there is just no way I could go back to that high COL, poor economy, and everything else that goes along with small town living.
In the six years that I've been down here, my parents only came for a visit once. My uncle and aunt (who also moved from that small town) live about an hour away and had a baby. I am sure, if it wasn't for the birth of their son, my parents wouldn't visited at all! Airline tickets are expensive, but I work in the airline industry, and one of the perks is free travel. This extends to my gf, and both parents. Despite them getting a free ride down here (we also have a spare bedroom etc), they refuse to visit. Always coming up with excuses, always too busy (Insert name of season, followed by those seasonal farm activities). I am always the one going up there to visit. While on the topic of free travel, we LOVE to travel, and we have a few more countries we'd love to visit. I have heard travel can be a nightmare with a little one in tow.
If we do have a child tomorrow, will their schedules magically free up? Will they come down for a few days, hold the baby, take pictures, and then disappear again? She would, after all, be "promoted" to "Grandma" and get her checkbox and membership card into that club, right? But then..the question of "when are you going to try for another one?"
I have a vacation coming up, and as it turns out my mother will also have that week off (teacher, spring break). I thought about flying up for the week, but I just can't handle any more baby talk! How can I deal with this? Should I tell her not to talk about it any more and WE will bring up the subject when we're ready? Just be ready for whatever tears, anger, or whatever other emotions come out. Cut my vacation short if she protests?
Thank you!
Perhaps this is a touchy subject because you feel like it is time also and all the highlighted junk is what you tell yourself to push those feelings back down. When you get around mom, makes pushing those feelings down harder, so it turns to anger.
Yes, we're getting older. We both turned 30 a few months ago.
Sorry, I chuckled when I read this. I was 37 when my son was born.
Quote:
Originally Posted by leadingedge04
A status symbol, a club to join, a box to check. ect when we're ready?
Unfortunately, you've hit on something that has some truth to it. Grandchildren are a huge status symbol, especially for folks in rural areas (sounds like your hometown) - I can't even count how many times someone has bragged to me about how many grandchildren they have. Even complete strangers standing in line at the grocery store.
I agree with other posters that the only option is to keep standing firm. Keep it short and sweet, don't defend your decision or rationalize or otherwise allow the discussion to continue down that path. She will get angry the first few times and probably try to guilt trip you (may even break out the tears), stay strong.
People are having kids older these days. I was 32, my husband 34 when we started. It is your decision not your mothers. Also, did you say girlfriend and not wife? You need to work on that first don't you think? I would tell your mother that it's not her life and you will have kids when you are ready, but now is not the time! PERIOD! The worst thing you could do is have a child just because someone else wants you to!
Tell your mom to stop and mean it. If she brings up the subject while on the phone, hang up. If she brings up the subject while you are visiting, leave immediately. You need to do this consistently until it penetrates her head. I would not bother visiting her now. Take your vacation and go somewhere not stressful.
Agree--you have to be consistent.
Quote:
Originally Posted by leadingedge04
Its getting pretty bad. Yes, we're getting older. We both turned 30 a few months ago. I am not sure if its because she's obviously also getting older (46),
I am going to be 60 soon and I am not ready to be a Grandmother! I wouldn't even think to bring it up to my sons (they are 28, 30 and 32).
Stay strong and be consistent. Change the subject when she mentions it. You have a baby when YOU are ready to, don't have one to please someone else.
For starters, you might tell your mother that at 46, she would be an extremely young grandmother. If she's worrying about being physically able to do things with a grandchild, she still has tons of time.
Other than that, you should tell her everything you wrote here. If you tell her all that and she still doesn't understand, then she is a very immature 46-year-old.
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