Mom really wants a grandchild, we're not ready...I feel its all about her!

[gentlearts]

I've already posted on the side of MYOB, but my reason for wanting more grandchildren is that our youngest is the only child of my husband and I, we dearly love him, and he and his wife will make beautiful smart babies, which I would love to see.

I already have 5 nice, grown grandchildren and I have no illusions about the reality, which is they basically ignore us after they're babies, but I'm still curious to see our son's babies.

[stephwin]

Originally Posted by silibran

Well, you can distance yourself and I imagine that is what other posters have suggested.

But it seems to me the mature way to try and resolve this is to find a neutral counselor, social worker or clergy person to help you two talk through your feelings.

You could certainly address your parents' lack of interest in your lives, and your desire to build a solid future for yourselves. But it might be that, if you could get your mom to talk truthfully about her desire for grandchildren, you would learn why she is the way she is. In other words, you might understand her enough to forgive her.

To me it sounds as if you two are having the same conversation again and again, with the same frustrating results. You need to try and break the cycle.

If you can't get your mom to go with you to a counseling session, then, I think you are justified in taking some time off from visiting her. Is it OK with you that you also won't see your dad? That is something's no to consider, as well.

And, please know that the longer you put off having a child, the harder it might be to do so. That is a risk you take when you put having children past your early thirties.

But I also know that buying a house is harder now than it ever has been, and I get that you are saving toward that. And with two working parents, expenses for child care are quite high.

Why should he go to counseling with his mother? He's made his point clear to her, she just refuses to understand/admit it. Taking his mother to counseling to make her understand or to explain his point of view makes it seem like her opinion matters. It doesn't. She's not one of the people involved in the decision making regarding having children. OP and his GF are.

[leadingedge04]

Originally Posted by stephwin

Why should he go to counseling with his mother? He's made his point clear to her, she just refuses to understand/admit it. Taking his mother to counseling to make her understand or to explain his point of view makes it seem like her opinion matters. It doesn't. She's not one of the people involved in the decision making regarding having children. OP and his GF are.

Counseling is one of the many go-to options no matter the situation here at C-D. The other one is "Show them this thread".

[silibran]

Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth

He needs to stop conversing with her about it, that's all. "You know where we stand, so no further discussion is necessary. The topic is closed." Repeat as needed.
Another good idea. I'm still not getting the spend-vacation-with-mom concept, anyway. What about the girlfriend? Is she ok with playing second-fiddle to mom? Or does the OP get 2 vacations/year?

If necessary, yes. But this is the poster's mother, not a casual friend. I think he needs to try and preserve the relationship. If he invests a little work in the relationship, and if he can get her to do same, it might be that they can come to an understanding that actually strengthens their relationship.

I understand when people have to do tough love with overbearing and extremely difficult relatives, but it doesn't sound as if this mom quite this awful.