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Forgiveness must be earned, it must be deserved, and it must be requested. It seems that none of the above is true in the OP's case.
With all of those conditions, no one would ever get or give forgiveness.
Forgive for yourself, not the other person. Forgiving is one thing, and welcoming people back into your life is another. You can do one and not the other. Both are not necessary to join together. One is necessary for your own peace and well being.
"Oh, there are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down; you know they hurt your pride
You got to put it all behind you 'cause life goes on
You keep carryin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside
I will live happily ever after and my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about forgiveness, forgiveness..."
Give yourself the gift. Forgive.
We can forgive and still not allow toxic users into our lives again.
What makes me sure it's not real is because my extended family would've known about it by now. Believe me, my mom is the kind of woman who would tell all if I or my dad so much as got a sprained ankle.
Oh and I'm not disputing the fact my parents had every right to be mad when I was pregnant. Like I said I was just a child and looking back on how my husband and I struggled back then, it's a miracle we're we are at now. I was foolish. My boyfriend was foolish.
But they cut me off for 20 years. Not so much as a word to check up over those two decades. When I read about family estrangements, usually they last for a few years, not decades. I don't hear from them for that long and then all of a sudden I'm supposed to welcome them with open arms and a considerable cheque (which is being requested on a false pretext?) I'm sorry but I can't look at it without subjective emotion. I can't.
Regarding future reconciliation with my mother - I don't plan on it. Like I said, I can't let her in my life - not just because of what happened, but I could never trust her around my son. I know a lot of families have problems with interracial unions (despite my husband being born out of a mixed union, my uncle had a problem with him and I marrying and my husband cut the man off like a rotting limb). With that history, I can't risk it. Frankly I don't care what race/religion culture the woman my son marries, will be. As long as he's happy.
Well lets take what I bolded first. It would not surprise me that someone who engaged in an interracial relationship would not care about whom your son married. Lets face it, he is tri-racial if I understood your post correctly, so it would be hard for him not to marry the same race, unless it was a yellow or red woman.
[If he has black in him, he will likely be looked upon as black by society]
However, lets say you knew that if he married a yellow woman, she would immerse him into her culture and potentially even move to her native country, you might think differently. The same is true if he were of your religion, but then married someone from a religion that would indoctrinate him and your future grand kids into hating your religion/culture.
Heck what if he married a black woman who hated white people. That would be a cause of friction/trouble for your relationship with him and/or your grandkids.
You see, most people do not think of such things when they are dating someone outside of their own race/religion/culture. Yet many parents do think of those things, having experienced or know people who experienced life long conflicts as a result.
As an example, I know someone who kid married a Jewish woman, and they raised their kids as Jews, almost to the point of deriding Christians.
Nothing Christian could be celebrated or even talked about with the grand kids, or the Christian grandparents would be "cut out of their lives".
The parents naturally feel sick about this, but predicted it when they opposed their son marrying a Jewish woman. They also feel betrayed by their son for having suborned his beliefs to appease his wife and her family.
So if you knew or even suspected that the woman your son was thinking of marrying could lead to the end of your relationship with him or your future grandchildren, you might think differently.
As to kicking you out or cutting you off, were you officially disowned to where you could not reach out to them or even show up on their doorstep?
I ask because many times it is a two way street. They demand you live a certain way, and some kids are rebellious and refuse. Then the kids take the attitude "if my parent/s cannot accept me for for who I am, or what I've done, then I don't want to be around them either".
This type of attitude contributes if does not start the rift, and both sides take intractable, stubborn, prideful positions.
Then before you know it, decades pass, and the next time they see each other, it is at a funeral.
That is a sad way to go through life, but it is more common than you might imagine.
With all of those conditions, no one would ever get or give forgiveness.
Forgive for yourself, not the other person. Forgiving is one thing, and welcoming people back into your life is another. You can do one and not the other. Both are not necessary to join together. One is necessary for your own peace and well being.
And yet that is a tenant of my faith. Thank G-d. There's no obligation to forgive people who have not asked for it and repented. That doesn't mean you have to be angry at them or hold a grudge, but forgiveness is a sacred thing that should not be doled out lightly.
And yet that is a tenant of my faith. Thank G-d. There's no obligation to forgive people who have not asked for it and repented. That doesn't mean you have to be angry at them or hold a grudge, but forgiveness is a sacred thing that should not be doled out lightly.
Hmmm
Except for Satanists and some others, I thought forgiveness is part of the whole ball of wax. Forgive, so you'll be forgiven?
Last edited by picklejuice; 06-20-2017 at 02:33 PM..
I was disowned by my parents when I was 17 after becoming pregnant with my husband (was my boyfriend back then). He was also 17 at the time. We always used protection but a night of drunken, teenage lust saw us discard common sense. My parents are very religious and my pregnancy was unable to co-exist with their faith. Plus my husband is a mix of Black/Hispanic, and that didn’t sit too well with them.
The early years of my son’s life were among the hardest I have endured. I and my husband had no idea about being parents. We were kids ourselves. From barely scraping enough money to pay the rent to being shocked with the transition from being fun-loving teens to being responsible for a little human being 24/7. Things got better as our son grew and we gained experienced and became wiser, but it was still a struggle. Not just because of raising a child but also strains in our relationship. But we got through it.
Our son is now 19 and in college. I couldn’t be prouder of the young man he’s turned into.
When he was 26, my husband started a business with his twin brother. It started slow and modestly in the first few years, but boomed soon after. Financially, we’re now in a very good position. My parents must have heard about it.
Recently, I received a Facebook message from my mother. She claimed to be sorry for disowning me, saying she made a terrible mistake and how she wishes she could take back all the time lost. Then she claimed my father had cancer and they needed money for treatment. This is after 20 years of no contact with me.
I thought I’d put everything behind me but the anger I felt when I read that message proves that I haven’t. I called a cousin back home and asked about the cancer. She said knows nothing about it. It hasn’t been mentioned in the family. She said if my dad had cancer, they would’ve all known.
This just served to heighten my anger. They are clearly looking for a handout and the fact they lied to me, saying my dad has cancer, is absolutely disgusting. I haven’t responded to the message. Part of me wants to respond to my mother, writing everything I feel in uncensored fashion. My husband says it’s best to just ignore the message – that answering it will only serve to hurt me farther. The logical part in me knows what he says is true, but the impulsive part wants to respond in scathing fashion.
Your husband is right. Ignore them. They earned it. They made their bed 20 years ago. Now they get to sleep in it. You don't owe them anything. Sounds like you're happy. Do you need them? I'd say you don't need them.
They kicked you to the curb because of their pride. I bet they're more concerned about "what people are going to say" than anything else. Their attitude towards people of color guarantees you they'd never love your child.
If they want forgiveness tell them to ask God for forgiveness. That's His job not yours. Don't bother telling her anything because it'd be a waste of time. She really doesn't care about you or your feelings.
Your parents have their pride and their religion. That's all they wanted all this time.
With all of those conditions, no one would ever get or give forgiveness.
Forgive for yourself, not the other person. Forgiving is one thing, and welcoming people back into your life is another. You can do one and not the other. Both are not necessary to join together. One is necessary for your own peace and well being.
And yet that is a tenant of my faith. Thank G-d. There's no obligation to forgive people who have not asked for it and repented. That doesn't mean you have to be angry at them or hold a grudge, but forgiveness is a sacred thing that should not be doled out lightly.
Matthew isn't part of the Torah, so in my belief system, not very.
Jews and Christians have very different concepts about what forgiveness is and what it means. That's OK. The idea of being eaten up inside because I haven't forgiven someone who hasn't asked for it is completely foreign to me because it's not part of my worldview.
I was just offering the OP a little support from a different religious point of view to contrast some of the religious rhetoric playing out in this thread.
Matthew isn't part of the Torah, so in my belief system, not very.
Jews and Christians have very different concepts about what forgiveness is and what it means. That's OK. The idea of being eaten up inside because I haven't forgiven someone who hasn't asked for it is completely foreign to me because it's not part of my worldview.
I was just offering the OP a little support from a different religious point of view to contrast some of the religious rhetoric playing out in this thread.
Gotcha.
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