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I had a similar history. And I find myself in disagreement with some of what is being offered.
Go ahead and open up the door, I say. But keep close eye on your wallet and refuse any requests for money.
That, in a nut shell, is what I did. Later, my mother needed help as she was dying and I was the one who arranged everything. No one else was going to help her, and she was an old lady with no friends or family so I filed papers for her and made arrangements for a place to stay. I did not use any of my own money.
I'm glad I did it. She is gone now and although I never forgave her (she never apologized) I learned not to hate her. That was important.
How you handle the "Dad has cancer" issue is up to you. Personally, I would just dismiss it and tell her, "No, he doesn't", but I can see where just about anything will do as long as you do not send money.
Hello, Listener. Thanks for sharing your own story. I'm glad that you got to be with your mom in her last days.
One of the things that makes me completely against letting them in the door, is because one of the reasons they also disowned me and felt so shameful about everything that happened, is due to my husband not being white. And my son being mixed. It's funny, because prior getting pregnant, they never revealed any kind of racial prejudice. But I guess strong events inspire strong feelings.
My mother did apologize and say she and my dad aren't the same people anymore. However, it's just something I can't risk. My husband is thick-skinned; bullets bounce off his tank armor. And while my son is strong, having the possibility of introducing any notions of racism (no matter how subtle) into his life is something I just cannot risk. My husband and I worked too hard to ensure that negative aspect of mankind stayed well away from him.
while my son is strong, having the possibility of introducing any notions of racism (no matter how subtle) into his life is something I just cannot risk.
If you read the OP's post, you'll notice that religion played a large part in her parents' rejection of her. Is "religionphobe" a word? Lol
Yeah and because the OP's parents were "religious" they disowned her. Look where religion got them. Don't be one of those people that think you need religion in your every day life to stay on the right path. You can live a very happy and healthy life without it or with a small amount of faith.
Don't risk your son's well being- your "parents" (i.e. the strangers who gave birth to you) are clearly terrible influences and there is no benefit to having them in your life or your son's life.
19 is still pretty young and impressionable; a couple years after college he might be ready to handle it but right now it could really mess him up.
Oh and I'm sure this has already been covered, but just another vote for never giving them a dime no matter the excuse (even if true).
I was disowned by my parents when I was 17 after becoming pregnant with my husband (was my boyfriend back then). He was also 17 at the time. We always used protection but a night of drunken, teenage lust saw us discard common sense. My parents are very religious and my pregnancy was unable to co-exist with their faith. Plus my husband is a mix of Black/Hispanic, and that didn’t sit too well with them.
The early years of my son’s life were among the hardest I have endured. I and my husband had no idea about being parents. We were kids ourselves. From barely scraping enough money to pay the rent to being shocked with the transition from being fun-loving teens to being responsible for a little human being 24/7. Things got better as our son grew and we gained experienced and became wiser, but it was still a struggle. Not just because of raising a child but also strains in our relationship. But we got through it.
Our son is now 19 and in college. I couldn’t be prouder of the young man he’s turned into.
When he was 26, my husband started a business with his twin brother. It started slow and modestly in the first few years, but boomed soon after. Financially, we’re now in a very good position. My parents must have heard about it.
Recently, I received a Facebook message from my mother. She claimed to be sorry for disowning me, saying she made a terrible mistake and how she wishes she could take back all the time lost. Then she claimed my father had cancer and they needed money for treatment. This is after 20 years of no contact with me.
I thought I’d put everything behind me but the anger I felt when I read that message proves that I haven’t. I called a cousin back home and asked about the cancer. She said knows nothing about it. It hasn’t been mentioned in the family. She said if my dad had cancer, they would’ve all known.
This just served to heighten my anger. They are clearly looking for a handout and the fact they lied to me, saying my dad has cancer, is absolutely disgusting. I haven’t responded to the message. Part of me wants to respond to my mother, writing everything I feel in uncensored fashion. My husband says it’s best to just ignore the message – that answering it will only serve to hurt me farther. The logical part in me knows what he says is true, but the impulsive part wants to respond in scathing fashion.
A cousin "would have known all about it"?
What makes you so certain that the entire family will know about a private medical condition?
But lets take a few steps back here first.
Lets say you could verify that your Dad is ill with cancer, and your parents genuinely need the money for a worthy cause. Would you give it to them?
Ask yourself (whether you give them the money or not), would that change how you feel/felt about the past?
If you did give them some financial help, would it be out of some feeling of obligation for them having raised you for 17 years prior to the blowup?
Or would it be an olive branch to help heal the past wounds?
Far be it from CD posters to be able to untangle the situation you find yourself in, but maybe we can give you some perspective.
Profoundly religious people can disown their kids for being sinners in their minds, and it is more common than you might imagine.
Additionally, many parents, dare I say most parents want their kids to marry within the same race/culture/religion as they are. This is true of minorities as well, but not typically talked about because of the PC police that would want to label them as bigots/racists.
Yet, by parents wanting their kids to follow the rules (religious/societal), they are presumably looking out for their children's best interests.
Now you could emotionally choose to ignore that fact, but your parents actions were likely rooted in that belief.
Thus even if you do not agree with their value system, you should consider that they were trying to raise you in the manner they thought would give you the best future. Lets face it, many unwed mothers stories do not turn out as well as the one you have experienced, right?
For that matter, one could point out unemotionally that you life might be altered for the worse for having
engaged in behavior that led you to where you are today. Granted that is hard to see, considering you cannot imagine life without your son at the very least. Yet we really never know, now do we?
In any event, are your parents greedy people, just wanting to get some money to make their retirement years more comfortable? Lying about a potentially lethal illness would be a pretty low thing to do. Does that really sound like either of their characters, or are you sprinkling in some anger/resentment into the situation.
I certainly would not base your decision on what a cousin purports to know or not know. People can keep such personal matters close to the vest, with relatives the last to know.
You might wish to provide some financial assistance just for your own piece of mind, knowing they raised and provided for you as a child. If God forbid your Dad were to have cancer and died from it, you might forever feel guilty, and it might make any future reconciliation with your mother impossible.
Lets face it, if you donate to charities to help strangers, you'd likely want to help your own parents through a medical crisis unless the aforementioned negative emotions are holding you back.
I do not envy your situation, but wish you well in it's resolution.
Don't risk your son's well being- your "parents" (i.e. the strangers who gave birth to you) are clearly terrible influences and there is no benefit to having them in your life or your son's life.
19 is still pretty young and impressionable; a couple years after college he might be ready to handle it but right now it could really mess him up.
Oh and I'm sure this has already been covered, but just another vote for never giving them a dime no matter the excuse (even if true).
Well after you read my post below yours, please explain why the advice you are giving the OP is sound
It appears to me, you are using some value or moral system to make such a recommendation, but I am not sure what it is grounded in, especially if her Dad is genuinely ill with cancer.
Firstly, I am against any kind of personal family stuff on social media. It's there forever and it's nobody's business.
Second, even if everything OPs mother says is true....dad has cancer and they've found religion, this does not affect OP, one way or another.
OP has grown her family, and grown as a person, despite these people, and if she truly does not want to mend the rift, then she shouldn't spend one minute worrying about them.
I would respond to the post, just to acknowledge it, and keep it short, sweet and impersonal.
My BFF is going through something similiar except her birth father walked away from her and her sister.
She and her husband are super successful and are very wealthy. All of a sudden he pops up asking for forgiveness and money. All he had to do was a google search and article after magazine cover comes up of them.
She laughed in his face and blocked him. He was a monster to her family before he left.
Good luck with this!
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