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Problem parents are, well, a problem. I've had some of that myself. 1200 miles between us solved it for me. You have my sympathy. Just deal with it as best you can, Show respect, but keep in mind, it's not like you chose him.
I had a FIL like this. It really is okay to tell him that you don't want to hear negative things about your mom, their divorce, and his inability to change things in his life anymore. It's a downer for you and there is no need for him to rehash it when you get together, as you've heard it before.
I used to take my FIL to some doctor's appts, and he would start in about my driving, my routes, my parking from the moment he got in the car. I finally told him one day when he asked for me to take him, that I would go, but he needed to drive because I was tired of his critical remarks.
Just throw it back into his court. You don't want to hear it anymore, unless he has something positive to say, especially regarding his own life. Ask him if there is anything positive in his life, to say something nice...."You know Dad, you must be miserable. .. you never have anything nice or positive to say." If that's his MO, he might just need to hear it from you.
OP, he sounds depressed. He's probably been depressed since the divorce, if not long before the divorce, and it sounds like he ruminates excessively about past irritations. His inability to be supportive and happy about others' good news, and always self-focused, may have been one thing that lead to the divorce.
He's getting his own place. If it has a garage, you can clear out all his stuff from your basement, and dump it in his garage, and let him deal with it if he doesn't like it in the garage.
Do not give him a key to your place, if he asks. It's too bad you can't put some distance between you and him. That's what's really needed, here.
He's kvetching that he can't retire, but what would he do with his retirement? It sounds like he'd be one of those guys who goes batty from not having anything to do every day, not having planned for all the free time in retirement, and he'd be leaning on you to provide him with entertainment.
RE: unanswered phone calls--all you can do is say you're busy sometimes, and can't answer the phone. Jeez, what a child! This is the second thread in the last week in which a son complains about his dad hassling him because he doesn't answer the phone occasionally. Who knew dads were so neurotically needy?
He needs mental health care, but that's not going to happen.
I had a FIL like this. It really is okay to tell him that you don't want to hear negative things about your mom, their divorce, and his inability to change things in his life anymore. It's a downer for you and there is no need for him to rehash it when you get together, as you've heard it before.
I used to take my FIL to some doctor's appts, and he would start in about my driving, my routes, my parking from the moment he got in the car. I finally told him one day when he asked for me to take him, that I would go, but he needed to drive because I was tired of his critical remarks.
Just throw it back into his court. You don't want to hear it anymore, unless he has something positive to say, especially regarding his own life. Ask him if there is anything positive in his life, to say something nice...."You know Dad, you must be miserable. .. you never have anything nice or positive to say." If that's his MO, he might just need to hear it from you.
Great advice, from someone who's been there, dealt with that!
He finally found a house recently that he is in the process of buying, only a few miles from my house! This was after I told him no when he asked to move in or put a trailer on my property.
You were able to say no to him this time, so you are moving in the right direction.
There are a lot of things you can do to teach him how you want to be treated. If he doesn't learn, you stop being around him.
For instance, when he b*tches about your driving, turn around and take him back home.
OP, I just wanted to add that hoarding, which is a manifestation of OCD, tends to occur to some people later in life. I suspect it has to do with hormonal changes altering psychology. He doesn't sound like the introspective type, but you could try suggesting he talk to his doctor, to see if he can get meds for OCD. It might improve his overall mood, as well. He'll probably say he's fine, but you can try.
Yep. Even if he is right (his name is still on her mortgage which is ridiculous), but I still don't want to hear it.
That's part of my problem, letting him taking control over the conversation.
Yep I do feel like a dumping ground at times. And that is true about not wanting to handle the problem, I will make a suggestion and it's ignored or I'm told why it can't be done.
My MIL is that perpetual complainer. It's all she does, she's not interested in any other way. I've never heard her say a nice thing about anyone-- I mean, it's pretty bad, she'll even rant about her own children, grandchildren. She once took offense and just ranted about her 18 months old grandson. She's not interested in changing, I eventually don't bother with the suggestions it's in one ear, out the other. She drives everyone away because they can't handle being her dumping grounds, which only ramps up her need to do even more dumping on that one poor person. This is why boundaries are important. Who wants to be bulldozed like that? She (and your dad) figure it out when they're ready and willing. I'm not sure my MIL will ever get to that point.
Personally, I do not really find venting to be such a stress reliever or anything, it actually makes me feel worse. I can't relate at all, and I'm not going to even try.
No, he doesn't sound like a narcissist. He doesn't even necessarily sound that controlling. We only know your experience with him. He maybe different with others.
He does sound like an unhappy, and probably lonely, person. You can't change that. You can change how you react to his unhappiness in life.
Are you kidding? IDK if the OP's father is a narcissist or not, but he certainly has major traits of one.
It's always someone elses fault for whatever problem they have. It's the mother's fault that he didn't invest.
Critical of others, they're better than everybody else, another trait.
And my favorite yet doesn't want to hear my problems (or downplays them as if they are insignificant)nor give me any advice. They don't want to hear about what you have going on or any problems you may have. You can tell them you're upset that your dog isn't doing well and you may have to put it down. They have no empathy, they will tell you how 10 years ago they had a cat that ran away, and it's back to talking about them.
OP, I feel for you. It's hard because it's your father.
In regards to driving, I would let him drive from now on, if he asks you say "well you find my driving so horrible, you should drive from now on", that might at least shut that down.
I would go limited contact, and when he behaves badly you distance yourself.
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