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Good idea. I guess I need to stop looking for "approval". I won an award at work a few years ago and told him but he didn't really care. If it happens again (or I get a bonus or something), I won't even share the information. I don't think he's happy that I get one more week of vacation than he does. I guess I wouldn't be either though. If I stay with my employer long enough to get another week then I probably won't even bother to tell him.
This is another big red flag regarding narcissists. They're extremely jealous even over minor things. They could be doing quite well and have a comfortable life, but if they think someone "one upped" them look out. It could be a new job, new car, or your case more vacation time. The fact that you earned it due to being at an employer a certain amount of time, doesn't matter.
He should be happy for you not jealous.
You're correct, don't tell him if you get another week. Now if you got laid off and he has hard time hiding his delight than you know for sure.
OP, do you live alone, or with a family? If you are single, then Dad probably thinks you have nothing better to do than be at his beck and call.
There are some things I would put a stop to, if I were in your situation.
First, I can't stand clutter, so the day after dad gets moved I would give him one month to get all his crap out of my basement, or I would get it carted away.
I would not share a lot of personal information with him, since his response is usually upsetting.
Do not give him keys to your house.
I would spend time with him, but only on a scheduled, planned activity, like maybe dinner every other Sunday, or whatever.
Parents, regardless of how irritating should be treated with respect, but respect goes both ways. If you don't make boundaries, it's on you.
In my experience one can change how to react to it if allowed to, but if not then resort to manipulating your way into some less negative form of contact. There is no point in continually bashing your head against someone else's unhappiness if they are thoroughly stuck in it.
Honestly I don't know what will make him happy. He is always ranting about retirement, about his brother and some of his cousins being retired while he still has to work. When he retires, I bet he will find more things to complain about (including being bored).
He sounds self-centered and self-absorbed, and lacking a capacity to be fully interested in what you share with him about yourself and your life.
The collecting of lots of junk (stored in your basement and additional junk now filling his dwelling) is indicative of trying to fill his internal emptiness and loneliness with 'things'.
I had a FIL like this. It really is okay to tell him that you don't want to hear negative things about your mom, their divorce, and his inability to change things in his life anymore. It's a downer for you and there is no need for him to rehash it when you get together, as you've heard it before.
I used to take my FIL to some doctor's appts, and he would start in about my driving, my routes, my parking from the moment he got in the car. I finally told him one day when he asked for me to take him, that I would go, but he needed to drive because I was tired of his critical remarks.
Just throw it back into his court. You don't want to hear it anymore, unless he has something positive to say, especially regarding his own life. Ask him if there is anything positive in his life, to say something nice...."You know Dad, you must be miserable. .. you never have anything nice or positive to say." If that's his MO, he might just need to hear it from you.
Yes it is the same stuff over and over again. I told him before that I don't want to hear it but he does it again and again. I will have to try the "you must be miserable line".
Next time he critiques my driving, I might just pull over and tell him to drive.
OP, he sounds depressed. He's probably been depressed since the divorce, if not long before the divorce, and it sounds like he ruminates excessively about past irritations. His inability to be supportive and happy about others' good news, and always self-focused, may have been one thing that lead to the divorce.
That was likely part of it. I put the blame in both of them equally but both insist that the other was 100% at fault. He does ruminate excessively about past irritations including being cut from a high school sports team. And his mother for being mean.
[quote=Ruth4Truth;48814350]
He's getting his own place. If it has a garage, you can clear out all his stuff from your basement, and dump it in his garage, and let him deal with it if he doesn't like it in the garage.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
Do not give him a key to your place, if he asks. It's too bad you can't put some distance between you and him. That's what's really needed, here.
He's kvetching that he can't retire, but what would he do with his retirement? It sounds like he'd be one of those guys who goes batty from not having anything to do every day, not having planned for all the free time in retirement, and he'd be leaning on you to provide him with entertainment.
That is exactly what I was thinking! He has a girlfriend out of state that he is planning in being with (if all goes well) but I hope he has a plan to keep himself busy besides sit in front of the TV with the remote control.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
Who knew dads were so neurotically needy?
He needs mental health care, but that's not going to happen.
Needy and clingy is another word. My grandmother (his mother) is the same way, overly reliant on family to keep her entertained.
You were able to say no to him this time, so you are moving in the right direction.
There are a lot of things you can do to teach him how you want to be treated. If he doesn't learn, you stop being around him.
For instance, when he b*tches about your driving, turn around and take him back home.
If it were up to him, he would probably be living with me. He mentioned the other day something about moving in with my brother and soon to be wife (instead of buying his house) since they recently finished their basement. I said well the wife probably wouldn't like that and he said she's marrying into the family. I think (and hope) he was joking.
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