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Yes that does describe him. I got a newer car last time after driving my previous car to the point it was becoming a safety hazard. It is a mid level car (nothing super fancy, just a couple years old) and he made comments as if it were a luxury car. The only reason I could afford it was because I kept my previous car for so long and spent a lot of time looking for a good deal. If he didn't spend the money he did on a nice boat with a motor then he could afford the same.
There ya go.
The reason I mentioned the car is I had a similar experience with a "friend". Like you it was new car time, I casually mentioned I needed to start looking, I wasn't bragging it was time. First words were "you're not getting a new one are you?", and on and on about how they lose value(we all know this) the minute you drive it off the lot. They made such an issue of it, like they were paying for it....LOL.
I bought a small economy car, you would have thought I got a Rolls Royce. It was patehtic, they couldn't even say "congrats", they live in another state and will never see the car. It was a real eye opener for me. Now they just bought a new car a few months back and I was tempted to give it back to them, but I just said congrats.
It's really quite sad.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
My experience with the rare person who insists on "being spontaneous" is that they do that (subconsciously) so that everything will be at THEIR convenience. They refuse to consider the other person's convenience. It's all about them, and what they want when they want it.
Draw a line. As others said, put up boundaries. This can be hard to do with a parent, especially a pushy, narcissistic parent, and it could cause complaining (since we know everything is everyone else's fault, not his), but you don't want to be jerked around chronically, and forced to drop everything, drop your own plans and activities, just because he's "being spontaneous", do you?
Exactly, I doubt this is spontaneous. Like you said it's all about them, they don't even think "are you available?", that you could possibly be doing something else. Only their time and their needs matter.
OP, don't be available a few times, even if you are free. He may start to realize he needs to give you some advance notice and not be so "spontaneous".
IDK if your father is a narcissist or not, but he has a lot of the traits. Nothing they do or say is sponatneous. They're very manipulative of your emotions.
Obviously you can't change him. You can only change how you interract with him. Limit your phone conversations with him...no matter what he says about you not answering his calls. When he complains about something, just let him. Theres nothing you can answer with that wont be an argument. Just try not to engage too much. And for gods sake, dont let yourself end up like him~
I don't see that happening. I am the opposite of a hoarder. He will sometimes buy me something that I don't need from a garage sale or resale shop and I have to say no. I don't push my problems into other people but have a tendancy to let others dump theirs on me. The lack of boundaries have caused me to be taken advantage of at work, for example, but I have gotten better about that.
I wouldn't wait for him to get his stuff out of your place. Could be a long wait. Have a friend help you load up a truck, and drop everything in his garage or on the driveway. You can announce in advance that you'll be doing this on X weekend. If he's not ready when the time comes, follow through anyway.
I don't have a friend with a truck nearby but if I have to load up my car and make multiple trips then that is what I will have to do.
My experience with the rare person who insists on "being spontaneous" is that they do that (subconsciously) so that everything will be at THEIR convenience. They refuse to consider the other person's convenience. It's all about them, and what they want when they want it.
Draw a line. As others said, put up boundaries. This can be hard to do with a parent, especially a pushy, narcissistic parent, and it could cause complaining (since we know everything is everyone else's fault, not his), but you don't want to be jerked around chronically, and forced to drop everything, drop your own plans and activities, just because he's "being spontaneous", do you?
No and that is an accurate assessment. Not only that but it is ok if I have to wait for him, but if he has to wait for me, it's the end of the world.
You were able to say no to him this time, so you are moving in the right direction.
There are a lot of things you can do to teach him how you want to be treated. If he doesn't learn, you stop being around him.
For instance, when he b*tches about your driving, turn around and take him back home.
Been there! As soon as the nasty remarks started when I was driving or doing him a favor I would stop, take him home or stop what I was doing and tell him why. I didn't launch into a big tirade (because that is part of what he wanted), just put an end to something. He would sulk, but couldn't escape the fact that he brought it on himself. Its hard, but once you learn how you will also learn when you can leave some comments alone and when not to.
Ironically this was the same parent who often told us kids "if you act like a child you'll be treated like one".
However, its far too common for men who often blame anyone they deem that undermined their agenda of the past. These types do not evolve nor do they acknowledge their input that caused things!!
Everything is someone else's fault. I have had to hear about all the sacrifices (which I do appreciate), how he drifted apart from his friends when I came along, the missed investment opportunities, how his mother treated him, how he didn't get to have "fun" in his 20s, etc. He complains about his mother or another relative being controlling or manipulative and then turns around and is the same way with his kids.
The reason I mentioned the car is I had a similar experience with a "friend". Like you it was new car time, I casually mentioned I needed to start looking, I wasn't bragging it was time. First words were "you're not getting a new one are you?", and on and on about how they lose value(we all know this) the minute you drive it off the lot. They made such an issue of it, like they were paying for it....LOL.
I bought a small economy car, you would have thought I got a Rolls Royce. It was patehtic, they couldn't even say "congrats", they live in another state and will never see the car. It was a real eye opener for me. Now they just bought a new car a few months back and I was tempted to give it back to them, but I just said congrats.
It's really quite sad.
Sad and ridiculous
When I told my uncle (on my moms side) that I was buying the car, he was sorta the same way in that he tried telling me what to buy. He even called me to and asked me to go with him to the dealer and/or buy his car since he was looking at the time. Maybe he was afraid I would get a better car than him or something. Weird.
Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin
Exactly, I doubt this is spontaneous. Like you said it's all about them, they don't even think "are you available?", that you could possibly be doing something else. Only their time and their needs matter.
OP, don't be available a few times, even if you are free. He may start to realize he needs to give you some advance notice and not be so "spontaneous".
IDK if your father is a narcissist or not, but he has a lot of the traits. Nothing they do or say is sponatneous. They're very manipulative of your emotions.
There were a couple of occasions where I didn't answer the phone and then about 15 minutes later I would hear a knock at the door. He would say he called and I would come up with an excuse as to why I didn't answer (i.e. dealing with a work issue)
Been there! As soon as the nasty remarks started when I was driving or doing him a favor I would stop, take him home or stop what I was doing and tell him why. I didn't launch into a big tirade (because that is part of what he wanted), just put an end to something. He would sulk, but couldn't escape the fact that he brought it on himself. Its hard, but once you learn how you will also learn when you can leave some comments alone and when not to.
Ironically this was the same parent who often told us kids "if you act like a child you'll be treated like one".
That sounds like a good way to handle it. I do think they want to bait us into a tirade. Better to just walk away.
Last edited by gonzo2412; 07-12-2017 at 06:49 PM..
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