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If that's his only defense, then he doesn't really have much of a one. He definitely needs to stop complaining about your mother, especially since it's been 10 years. As for the other things he complains about, if you feel you've heard enough, then nip it. Tell him to deal with it and stop complaining about it. It won't be well received, but your boundaries need to be drawn somewhere. Even if it means there's less interaction with him.
The problem with perpetual complainers is they're too self absorbed that it becomes a one way street, and the direction is toward a toxic dump. They don't care if you can relate or not, all they care is dumping their load on you because it makes them feel "better". They're not interested in handling the problem, so there's really nothing YOU can do about that. But what you can do is decide if you had enough. Put it back on him.
IDK if it even makes them feel better. My Aunt does this and she gets just as mad at something that happened 20 years ago as if it was happening now. Seems to me like a constant state of misery.
I don't have a friend with a truck nearby but if I have to load up my car and make multiple trips then that is what I will have to do.
Do it. Please do it.
As another poster said, tell him when you are coming and then just do it. Maybe he'll start taking the message that you are fully standing up for yourself and are not going to take it anymore.
As for endlessly complaining about your mother, mid sentence during one of his diatribes, tell him if he continues his visit will come to an end. I don't know what your relationship is like with your mother but how do you think she'd feel knowing he just bad mouths her and you just put up with it? My own rancid father used to do this years ago when I had a relationship with him. I just started putting my foot down and that really was the end of it.
Been there! As soon as the nasty remarks started when I was driving or doing him a favor I would stop, take him home or stop what I was doing and tell him why. I didn't launch into a big tirade (because that is part of what he wanted), just put an end to something. He would sulk, but couldn't escape the fact that he brought it on himself. Its hard, but once you learn how you will also learn when you can leave some comments alone and when not to.
Ironically this was the same parent who often told us kids "if you act like a child you'll be treated like one".
As another poster said, tell him when you are coming and then just do it. Maybe he'll start taking the message that you are fully standing up for yourself and are not going to take it anymore.
After he moves. He is in the process of buying a house and currently does not have room.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 50states
As for endlessly complaining about your mother, mid sentence during one of his diatribes, tell him if he continues his visit will come to an end. I don't know what your relationship is like with your mother but how do you think she'd feel knowing he just bad mouths her and you just put up with it? My own rancid father used to do this years ago when I had a relationship with him. I just started putting my foot down and that really was the end of it.
Good luck.
She badmouths him too and I just let it go. If I complain to her, she thinks I am siding with him and vice versa.
IDK if it even makes them feel better. My Aunt does this and she gets just as mad at something that happened 20 years ago as if it was happening now. Seems to me like a constant state of misery.
It is a constant state misery. That's why I put better in quotation marks, because I think it does make them feel a bit "better", but they're still there wallowing. I do wish they'd get that they're doing it all themselves, nothing will get better until action gets taken.
Though, I should note that my MIL doesn't like it when others complain (because you know, they just don't have it as bad as her)... she'd get all tough and say Sh## or get off the pot. Of course, one can't say that to her, she'd lose her mind
No and that is an accurate assessment. Not only that but it is ok if I have to wait for him, but if he has to wait for me, it's the end of the world.
The next time he makes a fuss about you being a little late, just stop right there, and say firmly, "Dad, when you're late, which is not that rare, I'm patient, and don't give you a hard time. Please return the favor, from now on. We're both adults; we both deserve each other's respect. Thanks." And move on to the next topic of conversation.
Though, I should note that my MIL doesn't like it when others complain (because you know, they just don't have it as bad as her)... she'd get all tough and say Sh## or get off the pot. Of course, one can't say that to her, she'd lose her mind
The next time he makes a fuss about you being a little late, just stop right there, and say firmly, "Dad, when you're late, which is not that rare, I'm patient, and don't give you a hard time. Please return the favor, from now on. We're both adults; we both deserve each other's respect. Thanks." And move on to the next topic of conversation.
Sad and ridiculous
When I told my uncle (on my moms side) that I was buying the car, he was sorta the same way in that he tried telling me what to buy. He even called me to and asked me to go with him to the dealer and/or buy his car since he was looking at the time. Maybe he was afraid I would get a better car than him or something. Weird.
There were a couple of occasions where I didn't answer the phone and then about 15 minutes later I would hear a knock at the door. He would say he called and I would come up with an excuse as to why I didn't answer (i.e. dealing with a work issue)
Some people(narcissists) can't be happy for other people, even when they're doing well themselves.
That's annoying to have him show up. You could try and tell him you won't answer the door if he shows up unannounced.
I have a dad who is a narcissist by the assessment of at least one therapist who worked with him. He's not the controlling variety and now that he's got dementia and is living with me, it's gotten interesting (he's very passive lately - very out of character). For me, a narcissistic dad was in some ways quite beneficial - he was always very supportive because he saw me as a part of him. He counteracted the effects of my mother in many ways. That's not to say it was sunshine and light between us - he was capable of some truly awful behavior. But on net, he was a good thing in my life - he wouldn't be living with me now otherwise.
I'm going to say your dad is just a supremely unhappy person who is likely dealing with some OCD and anxiety issues. However, he's never learned to deal with those issues in a constructive way, so he burdens those around him with them.
Once he gets moved into his house, you're going to have to start taking his crap over to him because he will never get it himself. Just bring a little over with each visit. You're also going to have to learn to set boundaries - when he starts going on in a miserable way, respond with neutral replies or simply excuse yourself or disengage. Do not cater to his negativity if it's unreasonable. When he says something positive, engage him fully - smile, make eye contact and ask questions. When he rambles on about how your mother wronged him, just say "Dad, I have to go. It's been nice talking to you." and then leave. Polite and pleasant, but firm.
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