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My sister was specific about what she did not want done when she died, and instead, her husband planned a gaudy pageant. I know it was not what she wanted, but he was a very controlling man.
The most disturbing aspect to me was that neither of them were religious or attended church, but there was a minister there, eulogizing her, yet he had never met her in life.
This was a few years ago, but I still have disturbing memories of it.
My feeling is, if you truly care about the deceased, then respect their wishes.
First off, I want to say I purposefully didn't put this under Grief and Mourning. If a mod wants to move it, thats fine... as it is related... but I'm not actually in grief or mourning or need help in that regards.
Anyway, I can't understand why someone wouldn't want a funeral. I respect my aunts wishes, but a funeral isn't for the dead, but for the living. Her mother has been so distraught and even said she was angry with my aunt, hopefully with time that will pass.
This is more of a rant then anything, while I really do respect my aunts wishes for what she wants and we can all choose how we end and are remembered, but I don't agree with her, I think not allowing the family closure was a really selfish decision. I can understand if the family had financial problems or some family disputes, but there are none. Her passing was expected as she had been fighting cancer and she fairly well planned out her final days, even though it came sooner then expected.
My aunts sister is still planning a get together to remember her, but it's a very casual affair at her house, which is fine. But, technically my aunt even requested not to have that. I guess, my point is, besides a rant, is that I hope people will rethink not having a funeral. I think its a way to make us understand that life really is over. It doesn't feel like she is gone at all... Anyway, rant over... Maybe someone can offer a different perspective and make me change my mind or at least help me understand why someone would make a choice like this.
Because she is dead. A funeral has nothing to do with the grieving process. Sad it can be purposefully used as an excuse for mis-placed anger towards the deceased. The kinds of people who feel shorted they didn't get what they demanded regarding someone elses death... need to stop being vindictive. That person has passed on, let them go.
The money can be more useful for the living- such as keeping the living alive and healthy.
Donating it to a Soup Kitchen then volunteering to assist in feeding the hungry in the deceased name is productive. It helps the heart of the giver and the receiver.
None this imaginary bunk of " I cannot overcome because the dead didn't fork out the needed dough to complete my therapy process...which requires a funeral be conducted for me"
My grandmother didnt want a wake. We had a private wake with just our small immediate family followed by burial followed by dinner. Wasnt advertised in the obituaries only immediate family attended.
First off, I want to say I purposefully didn't put this under Grief and Mourning. If a mod wants to move it, thats fine... as it is related... but I'm not actually in grief or mourning or need help in that regards.
Anyway, I can't understand why someone wouldn't want a funeral. I respect my aunts wishes, but a funeral isn't for the dead, but for the living. Her mother has been so distraught and even said she was angry with my aunt, hopefully with time that will pass.
This is more of a rant then anything, while I really do respect my aunts wishes for what she wants and we can all choose how we end and are remembered, but I don't agree with her, I think not allowing the family closure was a really selfish decision. I can understand if the family had financial problems or some family disputes, but there are none. Her passing was expected as she had been fighting cancer and she fairly well planned out her final days, even though it came sooner then expected.
My aunts sister is still planning a get together to remember her, but it's a very casual affair at her house, which is fine. But, technically my aunt even requested not to have that. I guess, my point is, besides a rant, is that I hope people will rethink not having a funeral. I think its a way to make us understand that life really is over. It doesn't feel like she is gone at all... Anyway, rant over... Maybe someone can offer a different perspective and make me change my mind or at least help me understand why someone would make a choice like this.
I can understand not wanting a funeral. They are expensive, and even a family with lots of resources could probably put the money to better use, like giving it to the deceased's favorite charity, to help the living. If my friends really want to honor me when I die, they can do it by putting me in a pine box, and giving the money to an organization that helps hungry children or abused animals. That grave isn't my final home, anyway.
My question is why she objected so strongly to even having people get together to remember her and share their memories. That seems to me like an unreasonable demand. Is her name to be off-limits at all future family gatherings? That's absurd. She owns, or owned, her body. She does not own the minds and memories of her loved ones.
Respect her wishes concerning the funeral, or any other public display. Beyond that, do what you need to to heal.
Last edited by Catgirl64; 11-12-2017 at 05:10 AM..
I would say, as someone who within the past 2 years lost their family (husband and MIL) that services do not always bring closure. If you loved someone dearly, and miss them terribly, then you may never have true closure.
I can understand your aunt not wanting one, especially following the emotional strain of dealing with the rigors of assisting someone fighting cancer, (or any other ailment). You have the random trips to the ER, MD and diagnostic, and treatment appointments out the wazoo. Sometimes there is distant travel involved to get to the specialist they need. You have the helpless feeling of watching someone you know deteriorate and die, no matter how long that takes, and all the while always being hopeful that they will recover. You may even have the additional guilty feeling of begging God for mercy for them, once you know/accept that death is inevitable.
To say its sad and physically draining is an understatement, imho.
It was very compassionate of your aunt not to want to put anyone, and especially those who served as caregivers, through the additional physical and emotional rigors of a wake followed by interment. Sentiment is surely amplified in that venue. Memorial services are just as adequate, and you can make them anything you want. It can be religious and solemn, or you can gather at the beach, or another location she had enjoyed in better days, write messages to her on helium filled balloons and release them into the sky.
I would say she wanted to finally peacefully rest, and wants those who loved her to rest and find some peace as well.
That’s what they are going to do. I have no say in how they do anything, I was just curious of people’s opinions on the matter. I never realized so many people opposed funerals or other types of service for various reasons.
It's not just a matter of opposing funerals but respecting the wishes of the deceased. fair or not this is what YOUR aunt wanted and either you respected her or you don't.
My sister in law was very anti-funeral following the loss of a baby to crib death. As she said, "People don't come and look at me while I am sleeping, why should they do it when I am dead?"
I, also, would be horrified at the thought of people looking at my dead body. I also believe the funeral industry is an over-priced racket. In 1992 we spent about $7K for my dad's funeral, that was with the second cheapest coffin, one day of visitation, no limousines, and the plot was already available and paid for.
When my DH passed, according to his wishes he was cremated. Later on we scattered his ashes at sea with family present, then had lunch at a nearby restaurant. I hope someone will do the same for me when my time comes.
When my father died about fifteen years ago he didn't want any kind of funeral. I know from talking to my mother that he was afraid that if we did have a funeral nobody would show up. This was an incredibly sad commentary of how this man, who had touched many lives in the community, thought of his place in the world.
We did not honor his wishes and I am certain that we did the right thing.
My Mom passed 10/9/17. She wanted no recognition other then having her ashes spread where her mothers were. I granted her wish, #1 being passing at home. Other than an obituary in the paper, absolutely nothing until we spread the ashes in Dec per her wishes, and then it will just be close family. Who am I to question mom's wishes? I am doing what she wanted.
I can go with thhis myself. Few people whom I love are left except my children. I HOPE they live and share about me and with me while I live. I hope they are near when I pass. I know where my soul will be after I pass. Do for me and with me while I am living.
A little memorial and sentimental distribution of my ashes is enough.
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