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With respect -- they're dead. Controlling the living from beyond the grave, telling them how to mourn and how to deal with a death, is a little egomaniacal.
Funerals are primarily for the people that are left behind. I do think that the disposition of your body is probably your last say -- cremation, burial, send it to space in a rocket, donate it to science, freeze it for possible later use . . . whatever floats your boat and whatever your estate can support. But to say, "No memorial service" IS a bit selfish -- or, perhaps it's a pre-emptive strike, and the deceased didn't think many people would show up and didn't want people to whispering, "Wow, not too many people liked her, huh?" :-)
Funeral rites and customs have an important purpose. One, to acknowledge and perhaps honor the deceased's life. But I think the most important purpose is to allow family and friends to come together and openly mourn the passing of the deceased, and to gather comfort from friends and family. Society today is pretty cruel. You're allowed to be sad at a funeral. You can cry, you can listen to remembrances and recollections and stories about the deceased. But a week later, buddy, you better be getting over it, because no one wants to be reminded of death. Victorian customs may have taken it a bit to extreme, with its rigidly proscribed mourning periods, attire, etc., but the point was to remind people that the person WAS in mourning, and extra consideration should be extended.
The deceased may have opinions on mourning, but I don't believe those opinions extend to commands as to how other people choose to mourn a relative/friend.
Very nicely said and totally agree.
Its shocking to me how many people want to control what others do to mourn them AFTER they are dead. If its just squeamishness around open casket, embalming or cost, certainly make your wishes known. But a lot of these answers strike me as very unrealistic. If you live you life in a way that creates connections with others, they are going to want to "pay their respects" in some way. All of this complaining that someone might want to do that after you are gone is at the very least, unenforceable.
And I agree with this. There will be no funeral for myself or my spouse. We firmly believe in making the most of our days here on earth, for as long as they last. Anything after that is just superfluous IMO. Anybody who wishes to remember us in their own way is welcomed to do so, but it won't be via a funeral.
It really just ends up being semantics. You may not call it a funeral but once you're gone, you're absolutely right that people will do exactly as they please, against your wishes or not - they'll just call it a memorial service, wake, or "dinner".
It's silly for the pre-deceased to get on a high horse and demand that no one gather for them. If they want to, they will, if they don't then I'd wonder why not?
My Aunt was a very active church person. She died slowly in a home in her 90's and did not want people looking at her. We respected her wishes. No public funeral and Undertaker opened casket briefly only for close family members.
I seek not to be sarcastic but if the funeral services are to be paid for totally by the deceased it should be their choice alone shouldn't it?<>
FIL and his wife prepaid for the essential arrangements. That's the only way I know of for a decedent to pay for their own funeral. They also arranged for the order of the church services. There is no funeral home memorial planned.
So and I have not gone to that level of detail yet. Probably should.
I don't want one. It is not one of my traditions. I don't want many of the things associated with burial, like a vault. Goodness, that seems silly to me.
My children know and say the guilt of ignoring such simple wishes would bother them.
Closure? From what I see at funerals, there are some who are there for the social aspect. Some like the excuse to get away from work. Others who seem to want the attention they can get from appearing to be the most distraught in the room. As if there is a competition. Selfish, indeed.
All of you by now should agree to the importance of having final arrangements taken care of. Some of you may think to put your wishes in your will. I believe that is not a good idea. Your will is not effective until probate and your executor does not have the authority to spend any money until then, (YMMV by State). It is also a PITA to change a will. If you have extensive real property or investments you should investigate a living trust.
I believe the solution is to write a letter with instructions for the disposition of your final personal possessions and your remains.
FIL and his wife bought their crypts and made funeral arrangements many years ago. They even wrote out the order of service and selected the music. You may not want that level of detail.
All of you by now should agree to the importance of having final arrangements taken care of. Some of you may think to put your wishes in your will. I believe that is not a good idea. Your will is not effective until probate and your executor does not have the authority to spend any money until then, (YMMV by State). It is also a PITA to change a will. If you have extensive real property or investments you should investigate a living trust.
I believe the solution is to write a letter with instructions for the disposition of your final personal possessions and your remains.
FIL and his wife bought their crypts and made funeral arrangements many years ago. They even wrote out the order of service and selected the music. You may not want that level of detail.
When my grandmother was dying of cancer, my mother and my uncle were too squeamish to ask her what she wanted when she died. So I was nominated to ferret out the information. During my week as a caregiver for her, one night, after "Jeopardy", I pulled out a legal pad and told her, "Well, Mom and ___ are too cowardly to ask you, so I've been nominated. How would you like your funeral?" She stared at me a second, and then burst into laughter. We both laughed until tears were running down our faces. Her first words: "Thank goodness! I've been trying to talk to your mom for the last month, and she keeps saying, 'oh, you don't need to worry about that, now!' If not NOW, then WHEN?" What followed was a memory I still cherish, of helping my grandmother plan her funeral. It was a given that she would have a church service (long time Southern Baptist), but she had definite ideas as to which funeral home, what kind of casket, what dress she wanted to be buried in, which hymns and which Bible verses she wanted. She was 91 -- she had had a long time to come to terms with death, and wasn't afraid of it. She died three days later, and I had six pages of notes of exactly what she wanted, which helped ease the process considerably.
I can't believe that some people flat out disregarded the final wish of someone they say they loved. Someone who TRUSTED that you would carry out their final request. That is so damn selfish!
I don't want a funeral. I don't even want an obituary. To each his own, and I hope people respect that.
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and did not want people looking at her. We respected her wishes. No public funeral and Undertaker opened casket briefly only for close family members.
