A brother or sister you have not talked to in years is in hospital 500 miles away dying- would you visit? (wife, husband)

[Bad Back]

My wife has a sister she has not talked to in ten years who is in a hospital dying of cancer. I understand the sister will likely die within a month. The dying sister is in a hospital 500 miles away from where we live.

I asked my wife why she does not call her sister up on the phone or plan a trip to visit her. My wife said, "why should I, we have not talked to each other for the last ten years when she was well, why now?"

The sister dying of cancer and my wife never had a major blow up but just had a cold distant relationship. Nothing in common and their personalities did not match, so they just stopped communicating.

I don't know what to make of it. On one hand, if siblings don't talk to each other for ten years when they are healthy, maybe making an effort when one of them is dying is hypocritical. But maybe when someone is dying, that is a time to be an adult and make amends.

What about you? If you had a brother or sister you had such a distant cold relationship with that you had not talked to them in ten years, would you drive 500 miles to visit them at the hospital on their death bed?

[1insider]

I can't think of any good reason not to. No major blowup just a cold distant relationship? Friend might be different but a sibling? With this attitude sounds like your wife might have been the reason the relationship was cold and distant.

[sheerbliss]

I could see "making amends" if they'd loved each other and had a falling out over a minor thing. Or if this was her child. But part of being an adult is realizing that relationships should be organic. Some people aren't going to like each other, even if they're sisters.

There are people I don't talk to much, but we exchange Christmas cards. I wouldn't go see them on their death bed, though. If your wife and sister don't even send Christmas cards to each other, haven't communicated at all in ten years, I don't see that there's a relationship to be mended.

[Spuggy]

I don’t understand that lack of compassion or empathy at all. Even if they didn’t keep in touch ,had nothing in common, didn’t love each other , there seems to be no compassion. Ugh!

[HighFlyingBird]

I think there is way more to the story then "cold and distant". Something more behind the scenes. My husband has a cold and distant relationship with his siblings and they never call each other. But they talk occasionally at family functions, which are rare (we all live far apart). The point is, they don't avoid each other. They are all polite to each other in person, but don't seek each other out. That is what "cold and distant" siblings do, I think.

Total avoidance, like not even calling a sibling as they are on their death bed seems like there is way more to the story. Maybe they had a major beef they don't talk about. Maybe they came from an abusive family and talking triggers each other. There just has to be more. Unless your wife really does lack compassion.

Also, I have never known siblings that grew up together not to have any good memories or love...even if they are night and day different.

[chiluvr1228]

It seems odd to me that your wife wouldn't at least call her sister. Maybe her sister is laying on her deathbed thinking about your wife and having regrets. I would rather know my sister died with us saying our good-byes rather than leave it unfinished. Is your wife cold and distant to anyone else in the family?


My mother, 80 and her older sister were always rather close. As my aunt grow sicker with heart failure and other issues, she became difficult and paranoid. One day my mother had had enough and she stopped speaking to my aunt. A nurse called to tell my mother that her sister was back in the hospital. My mother went to see her and the sister kept saying "I just want to die" over and over. This was 2 1/2 years ago and my mother beats herself up about it saying she feels it is because my aunt had nobody in this world (her choice) except my mother and she blames herself for my aunt not trying harder to live. Totally ridiculous but that's how our minds work sometimes. What kind of regrets is your wife going to have when her sister passes?

[ClaraC]

If the sister is lucid and capable of a conversation, I'd go visit.

If she's reached the point where she's unable to communicate effectively or wouldn't know the sister was in the room, I think I wouldn't.

[Ceira]

If neither of them have made any attempt to talk to each other for the past 10 years, then I don't think your wife needs to jump in her car and drive 500 miles now. If your wife will have no regrets then I don't see why she should go out of her way to see her sister before she dies.

[oregonwoodsmoke]

So there is some reason that the dying sister can't make a phone call if she wants to patch things up? Any hospital I've ever been in has phones.

My suggestion, for your own self preservation, OP, is to not get yourself into the middle of it. It's your wife's decision, let her be the one to make the decision.

[joee5]

If wife doesn't call and/or visit her dying sister, she will regret it later on.
Wish I had one last call or visit with my departed brother and sister. Bought were sudden and unexpected so I never had the opportunity to say goodbye