Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I know someone that had parents that went through a nasty divorce (really nasty on one side only). The father was in the hospital awaiting an organ transplant, daughter went to visit and he used the opportunity to "re-ignite" the divorce saga! Deathbed visits don't always go well.
Nothing says siblings have to be friendly for life. I have 2 that I have not spoken to in almost 20 years. Both made poor life choices and I choose not to be associated with them. Their life choices have affected them greatly (negatively) and I consciously chose not to be around them.
If either called from a local hospital to say they were dying I wouldn't visit. I refuse to be the bad guy for something I had nothing to do with. I took the high road, they took the hard road.
If I was the one dying, I wouldn't call them either.
Even in such a situation, your response remained unchanged, then I would suggest you lack basic human compassion.
Speaking for myself, you have no idea at all of the decades of hurt and anger some relatives put on others. In the case of my dad, I could even understand why he did what he did. But that doesn't mean I excuse his actions or, if he were still alive, I would allow him to keep on doing what he did.
Unless you've lived like this, you have no right to tell someone else they have no compassion because they don't want to confront that person on his deathbed. You don't know what's happened and you have no idea what people have been through.
My father was fully in control of his facilities before he died. He had constant contact with my mom who had contact with me. If he wanted me there when he was dying, he would have said so. But after more than forty years of him calling me names, putting me down, telling me how stupid I was and how I would never amount to anything, among so many other things, well, there's just so much of it you can take. I had no choice as a child except to put up with it. As an adult, I put up with it for years because "he's my father". Finally I decided enough was enough. He was obviously never going to end his abuse, so I removed myself from the line of his fire and finally found some peace in myself.
For my own mental health, I cut ties with my father and I never saw any reason to willingly line up to be verbally abused again. And if you want to call it a lack of compassion for not trying to make amends - AGAIN - when he was on his death bed, then so be it. I'd made my peace with not talking to my dad years and years earlier. I'm sorry we couldn't have had a father-daughter relationship, but that was his loss and I refuse to make it mine or feel like a failure because of it.
Just kidding. Commenters here who feel sorry for people who've ended up dying and estranged from family members are free to spend their own time and energy volunteering at a hospital or hospice since they're so compassionate.
It's kinda hard for me to read this and not view it as harsh/mean, but I'm keeping an open mind.
I would think a possible exception to your position (I hope) is if through an intermediary your sister requested you visit because she was scared of facing death and asked you to help see her through it, in her last days/hours(hypothetically).
Even in such a situation, your response remained unchanged, then I would suggest you lack basic human compassion.
two observations:
1) you make a wild as*ed hypothetical assumption of circumstances that will NEVER happen, my sis has nothing but knowing disdain for anything and everything about my existence from her lofty $gazillions wealth perch. You use a typical of a "straw man" argument to justify ...
2) your name calling me as to having a "lack of basic human compassion".
Apparently, you don't have a friggin' clue as to how toxic, devastating, damaging, and aggressively spiteful or malicious some folks can be just for the pure pleasure they derive from deriding others lives. If nothing else, my sis felt it was her duty to let me know as frequently and often as possible how worthless I was in all of my endeavors and accomplishments in life. That extended to anything and everything, no matter how mundane or trivial. She never missed an opportunity to aggressively seek to let me know that I was a "useless jerk" ... and all the more so oblivious to the fact that she was projecting her attitudes and behaviors upon me. She, of course, was absolute perfection in everything she did with all her $fortune, so had millions of reasons to justify her rationale that I was less than something you'd want to wipe off the bottom of your shoe.
She didn't let it go at just attacking me ... she got between me and my children, turned them against me, too. With the allure of all that glittering gold and affluence compared to my modest means, the kids ... and now their spouses ... get to bask in the glory of her affluence/benevolence. I'm evil incarnate because I don't have the financial resources to shower upon them, and she has stoked the resentment that I didn't provide for them as she has been able to reward them. (and yes, my kids drove BMW's and MB's and had college paid for and season ski passes at Vail and Aspen and we stayed in my house in Vail many weekends through the year, not just ski season. Boating at Dillon, fishing, other Colorado mountain/resort activities for years ... but not jewelry, expensive watches, fancy high dollar clothing and all those other trappings that the kids were taught by my sis that were "essentials" in life that I didn't provide at their whims).
As well, when I had a major cardiac surgery with some high risk 20 years ago ... my elderly somewhat disabled Mom who could/would not travel alone anymore asked my sister if she'd accompany her on a trip to Houston (DeBakey Heart Clinic) to visit me post-surgery for a couple of days in the recovery process. My sis ... for whom extensive airline travel, first class ... to multiple destinations around the USA and the world (such as "I need new shoes to match a dress for an important dinner meeting next week ... I think I'll go to London tomorrow to see if they have the shoes that will work for this upcoming event") ... refused to assist Mom to visit me. So Mom was unable to make the trip, even with the proviso that she would pick up all the expenses, the fancy gourmet restaurants that my sis MUST eat at, the hotel SUITE she must stay at, and so forth. You got it ... I spent the 24 hrs in intensive care recovery and the 4 days of hospitalization post surgery ... alone except for a few phone calls with Mom. I got to dwell for days upon how splendidly my sis let me know how important I as a sibling could be in her life. Oh ... and she went to Houston a couple months later for an evening at an art gallery show. (Oh, and she had to bring a case of her own $400/bottle wine because the swill they were serving at the gallery show was simply undrinkable by her standards)
Perhaps you've never encountered such behavior patterns in a sibling (or anybody else, for that matter) ... but for those of us who have (and these are just the tip of the iceberg situations of many years) ... to bring up a straw man argument as your approach to justify calling me names is, as I had written previously ... quite insulting.
I've got news for you. Unfortunately, TOS for C-D would have many moderators throwing me off this forum for life if I were so bold as to let you know what I think of your personal assault. You simply don't have a clue as to what you think you know about toxic sibling relationships. Judging from the responses from others to my post in this thread, I don't appear to be alone in having such a situation.
1) you make a wild as*ed hypothetical assumption of circumstances that will NEVER happen, my sis has nothing but knowing disdain for anything and everything about my existence from her lofty $gazillions wealth perch. You use a typical of a "straw man" argument to justify ...
2) your name calling me as to having a "lack of basic human compassion".
Apparently, you don't have a friggin' clue as to how toxic, devastating, damaging, and aggressively spiteful or malicious some folks can be just for the pure pleasure they derive from deriding others lives. If nothing else, my sis felt it was her duty to let me know as frequently and often as possible how worthless I was in all of my endeavors and accomplishments in life. That extended to anything and everything, no matter how mundane or trivial. She never missed an opportunity to aggressively seek to let me know that I was a "useless jerk" ... and all the more so oblivious to the fact that she was projecting her attitudes and behaviors upon me. She, of course, was absolute perfection in everything she did with all her $fortune, so had millions of reasons to justify her rationale that I was less than something you'd want to wipe off the bottom of your shoe.
She didn't let it go at just attacking me ... she got between me and my children, turned them against me, too. With the allure of all that glittering gold and affluence compared to my modest means, the kids ... and now their spouses ... get to bask in the glory of her affluence/benevolence. I'm evil incarnate because I don't have the financial resources to shower upon them, and she has stoked the resentment that I didn't provide for them as she has been able to reward them. (and yes, my kids drove BMW's and MB's and had college paid for and season ski passes at Vail and Aspen and we stayed in my house in Vail many weekends through the year, not just ski season. Boating at Dillon, fishing, other Colorado mountain/resort activities for years ... but not jewelry, expensive watches, fancy high dollar clothing and all those other trappings that the kids were taught by my sis that were "essentials" in life that I didn't provide at their whims).
As well, when I had a major cardiac surgery with some high risk ... my elderly somewhat disabled Mom who could/would not travel alone anymore asked my sister if she'd accompany her on a trip to Houston (DeBakey Heart Clinic) to visit me post-surgery for a couple of days in the recovery process. My sis ... for whom extensive airline travel, first class ... to multiple destinations around the USA and the world (such as "I need new shoes to match a dress for an important dinner meeting next week ... I think I'll go to London tomorrow to see if they have the shoes that will work for this upcoming event") ... refused to assist Mom to visit me. So Mom was unable to make the trip, even with the proviso that she would pick up all the expenses, the fancy gourmet restaurants that my sis MUST eat at, the hotel SUITE she must stay at, and so forth. You got it ... I spent the 24 hrs in intensive care recovery and the 4 days of hospitalization post surgery ... alone except for a few phone calls with Mom. I got to dwell for days upon how splendidly my sis let me know how important I as a sibling could be in her life. Oh ... and she went to Houston a couple months later for an evening at an art gallery show.
Perhaps you've never encountered such behavior patterns in a sibling (or anybody else, for that matter) ... but for those of us who have (and these are just the tip of the iceberg situations of many years) ... but to bring up a straw man argument as your approach to calling me names ...
I've got news for you. Unfortunately, TOS for C-D would have many moderators throwing me off this forum for life if I were so bold as to let you know what I think of your personal assault. You simply don't have a clue as to what you think you know.
Seeing your and the other person's follow-up to my post, makes me realize it was a mistake. It's genuinely how I feel, but maybe I should purchase a diary instead of making CD posts.
Perhaps compared to you, I haven't been alive a long time at 35. It's possible that if a person has had a terrible relationship with a sibling or parent for longer than I've been alive, then that could reach a breaking point where your mind just says enough, I can't "feel anything" for this person any longer under any circumstances -- if only for my own protection.
The life that I have lived and relationships built with my parents, grandparents, and sibling just do not allow me to have a proper reference point for me to properly understand your position. I can only hope things stay that way for me.
So yes, I'm (genuinely) sorry I offended you. It was not meant as an "assault"; I didn't choose my words carefully.
I sometimes get emotional about near-death stuff, since even at a relatively young age, I've seen (too many times) how frightening it can be for all involved, especially the dying.
1) you make a wild as*ed hypothetical assumption of circumstances that will NEVER happen, my sis has nothing but knowing disdain for anything and everything about my existence from her lofty $gazillions wealth perch. You use a typical of a "straw man" argument to justify ...
2) your name calling me as to having a "lack of basic human compassion".
Apparently, you don't have a friggin' clue as to how toxic, devastating, damaging, and aggressively spiteful or malicious some folks can be just for the pure pleasure they derive from deriding others lives. If nothing else, my sis felt it was her duty to let me know as frequently and often as possible how worthless I was in all of my endeavors and accomplishments in life. That extended to anything and everything, no matter how mundane or trivial. She never missed an opportunity to aggressively seek to let me know that I was a "useless jerk" ... and all the more so oblivious to the fact that she was projecting her attitudes and behaviors upon me. She, of course, was absolute perfection in everything she did with all her $fortune, so had millions of reasons to justify her rationale that I was less than something you'd want to wipe off the bottom of your shoe.
She didn't let it go at just attacking me ... she got between me and my children, turned them against me, too. With the allure of all that glittering gold and affluence compared to my modest means, the kids ... and now their spouses ... get to bask in the glory of her affluence/benevolence. I'm evil incarnate because I don't have the financial resources to shower upon them, and she has stoked the resentment that I didn't provide for them as she has been able to reward them. (and yes, my kids drove BMW's and MB's and had college paid for and season ski passes at Vail and Aspen and we stayed in my house in Vail many weekends through the year, not just ski season. Boating at Dillon, fishing, other Colorado mountain/resort activities for years ... but not jewelry, expensive watches, fancy high dollar clothing and all those other trappings that the kids were taught by my sis that were "essentials" in life that I didn't provide at their whims).
As well, when I had a major cardiac surgery with some high risk 20 years ago ... my elderly somewhat disabled Mom who could/would not travel alone anymore asked my sister if she'd accompany her on a trip to Houston (DeBakey Heart Clinic) to visit me post-surgery for a couple of days in the recovery process. My sis ... for whom extensive airline travel, first class ... to multiple destinations around the USA and the world (such as "I need new shoes to match a dress for an important dinner meeting next week ... I think I'll go to London tomorrow to see if they have the shoes that will work for this upcoming event") ... refused to assist Mom to visit me. So Mom was unable to make the trip, even with the proviso that she would pick up all the expenses, the fancy gourmet restaurants that my sis MUST eat at, the hotel SUITE she must stay at, and so forth. You got it ... I spent the 24 hrs in intensive care recovery and the 4 days of hospitalization post surgery ... alone except for a few phone calls with Mom. I got to dwell for days upon how splendidly my sis let me know how important I as a sibling could be in her life. Oh ... and she went to Houston a couple months later for an evening at an art gallery show. (Oh, and she had to bring a case of her own $400/bottle wine because the swill they were serving at the gallery show was simply undrinkable by her standards)
Perhaps you've never encountered such behavior patterns in a sibling (or anybody else, for that matter) ... but for those of us who have (and these are just the tip of the iceberg situations of many years) ... to bring up a straw man argument as your approach to justify calling me names is, as I had written previously ... quite insulting.
I've got news for you. Unfortunately, TOS for C-D would have many moderators throwing me off this forum for life if I were so bold as to let you know what I think of your personal assault. You simply don't have a clue as to what you think you know about toxic sibling relationships. Judging from the responses from others to my post in this thread, I don't appear to be alone in having such a situation.
Brava. well said, every word of it.
and i'm so sorry you had to go through that.
My wife has a sister she has not talked to in ten years who is in a hospital dying of cancer. I understand the sister will likely die within a month. The dying sister is in a hospital 500 miles away from where we live.
I asked my wife why she does not call her sister up on the phone or plan a trip to visit her. My wife said, "why should I, we have not talked to each other for the last ten years when she was well, why now?"
The sister dying of cancer and my wife never had a major blow up but just had a cold distant relationship. Nothing in common and their personalities did not match, so they just stopped communicating.
I don't know what to make of it. On one hand, if siblings don't talk to each other for ten years when they are healthy, maybe making an effort when one of them is dying is hypocritical. But maybe when someone is dying, that is a time to be an adult and make amends.
What about you? If you had a brother or sister you had such a distant cold relationship with that you had not talked to them in ten years, would you drive 500 miles to visit them at the hospital on their death bed?
My husband has not spoken to his brother in a decade. They never had anything in common, nor did they have a major falling out. They don't like each other now, and never did. After high school they just drifted further and further appart.
They just stopped comunicating.
I think it is hypocritical to visit after all this time. I totally understand. There are no ammends to be made. They are being adults. They are adults who just don't like each other and have no relationship.
If the sister was dying alone and was begging to see your wife, it would be a matter of human decency - NOT because they are sisters, because they are human beings.
However, you did not mention that her sister was all alone - or that she even wanted to see your wife.
I'd stay out of this one if I were you. I don't mean to sound cold, but this really is none of your business.
OP, your post is sad. As a parent, you love your kids and want them to get along. Where does this breakdown all start in the childhood? Is it because a parent favors one child more than another? Does the parents not encourage the children to love each other and share? I don't know, but wish these things didn't happen. I hope your wife can soften her heart and find some last minute compassion.
Perfect example of why NOT to get advise on a forum!
I say not to push the wife into making a call or visit unless she decides she wants to. That is strictly her decision to make and only she will have the regret or not later on.
In my opinion, compassion has very, very little to do with whether an estranged relative should visit a dying one.
These two may biologically be sisters, but the relationship ends with DNA. They have no personal relationship. The OP's wife might as well be visiting a stranger in the hospital. We don't even know if the dying sister WANTS to hear from her. A visit would be arrogant and self-serving in my opinion and not at all conducive to a peaceful passing. I mean, the sentiment would seem fake. "Hey, I haven't given a damn about your life for 10 years (even if it's justified) but I just wanted to tell you I love you and will miss you terribly when you're gone!"
I have compassion for anyone who is ill and facing the end of life. However it doesn't mean a visit is appropriate. We need to stop conflating the two.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
