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I have a cousin like this. Guy would call me fat, say I have no style etc. The kicker is he has a huge beer gut (I am far from this body type) and dresses like hes going to a club circa 1980's. Never liked dealing with it.
Thank you Op. I hadn't been 'aware' that I was doing this in my family get together. My one niece whom I adore..often gets my attention. She is a bit timid and needs some encouragement...little did I 'realize' that my compliments to her were seen as a put down to my other kin. This is meant sincerely ..I reckon it's time I wo"man up on this flaw and do a better job at impartial compliments.
Being sincere is going to be a challenge for my one nephew...I'm going to really need to be creative in how I compliment him. He tends to think he is already 'above' everyone else... (arrogant ). Maybe I'll tell him I admire his imagination ....
And ... You don't HAVE to compliment them.
You could just engage them in conversation about what they are doing and what interests them. Sometimes compliments, especially when you TRY to think of something to compliment, can make kids uncomfortable.
Try to deflect it with a comment like "Beauty is only skin deep" or "Don't judge a book by its cover" and then compliment someone else on - their great career, their fashion sense, their wonderful family, their charitable works -- you get the picture.
I like to joke that my sister got the looks, brains, and ambition in the family, but truthfully I would not trade places with her as she is short in the love and kindness department. Which I have plenty of.
I guess you didn't know that your sister reads this forum?
Just sayin’ this is not normal in my universe at all. Neither in my original or any in-law family (I’ve had a few!). And there have always been some really pretty females and a few that were quite overweight or less pretty.
I agree. This is not normally done in my family either.
Our family has a few members who are considered "better looking" than the others. This happens in each generation. At gatherings, inevitably this is commented upon, especially when these individuals are female.
And trying not to sound like a humble brag (because its NOT), I am one of those people. I am 40 now, so I would have hoped it would stop. No. Standing next to a similarly aged female relative at a recent gathering I was compared to her (not favorably for her) by another relative, told "your husband must be really handsome!" and that I was part of the "good genes" that "not everyone got." This is incredibly awkward and not complimentary. And the comments went on. Many of these were from older men which gives it a different level of ickiness as I am related to them in some way.
I saw this behavior repeated with other younger relatives. Its nice to be considered attractive, but not the be all end all. And it creates animus between siblings, cousins, etc. Its just not necessary. Women do have other skills that they work hard to develop. People grow into different looks over time. Its just not positive to constantly call this out.
It sure does create animosity. I'm living proof of that. I never asked to look different then my siblings. It's not my fault what "genes" I got from both parents. I have a cousin who got really good genes too; the blue eyes and dark hair. What a beautiful woman she's always been but she has bad health that I also have too.
We were compared in school too. I was the C, D student while they were the A, B students. They were bankers while I pumped gas or cut hair. I never brought home the amount of money they did.
It was like this a bit in my family, too. I remember getting together with extended relatives, and how one of my aunts would compliment my siblings on how attractive they were becoming. (this being back when we were teenagers)
Which made me feel bad, because this aunt would make these comments around/in front of me, so I felt like she was indirectly saying that I was ugly compared to my siblings.
I agree. This is not normally done in my family either.
OP, just walk away when someone starts with this.
I agree on the walk away part. I did that myself, even though in my mind I went to town on the cousin insultung me as I had more ammo on him then he did me so to speak. They dont change, the situation doesnt either and life is too short.
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Originally Posted by MinivanDriver
Don't be ridiculous. What if the target of the intended advice is 8 or 18? They don't always have the wherewithal to take that kind of criticism.
Absolutely. My family, on both sides, tends to be vain and narcissistic, My maternal grandmother chose a favorite child among her grandchildren in each family. The animus it causes among us is still dividing grown siblings and cousins today, some of whom have carried it on in there own families.
Others have stopped it. To stop it one must remove one's self from the family.
As a child, even after being singled out as very pretty, I was way too fragile and needy in my own way to deflect the compliment. I was also afraid of the older person who was complimenting me. Afraid of rejection. And pobably on some level - afraid it would end.
When children are singled out like that, they pay for it later. The children who are not singled out, more obviously pay for it, instantly. I can understand their bitterness.
I had a cousin who had the audacity of having a slight weight problem. I loved her and had a lot of fun with her, growing up. I was her maid of honor at her wedding.
However, as a result, I was the recipient of much of her pent up anger as an adult. What could have been a nice, lifelong relationship, is so strained that we barely speak.
This kind of competition among children is fuled by the narcisisim of adults. It is toxic,
Now this is a harsh complication to throw into this discussion, but one reason that there's so much variation in characteristics among siblings in a family, is that about 25% of children born to couples, have a biological father other than the one who is in residence. There's a large bunch of cousins in my family and this is the reason that the youngest one looks totally different than all the others. The guy from the neighboring farm was her biological father.
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