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Bob and I are really good friends. We met from a previous job (company A) and were an amazing duo. We were both highly recognized and praised together by many and worked together every day for 4 years.
Unfortunately, eventually I had to leave company A but we always wanted the opportunity to work together again. We have always kept in touch as our friendship was more than just being coworkers.
Last year Bob was thinking about leaving and going to company B. He reached out to me and asked if we wanted to work together again and be the dynamic duo. Of course I said yes. When I started interviewing with company B, I told them I was only interested if Bob joined. Bob eventually decided not to move forward.
Now 2019, I'm thinking about leaving and going to company C. Of course, I reached out to Bob. He seemed optimistic. I had gotten a job offer from company C (time bound as usual) and asked Bob if he was serious about joining me because I know he just got promoted at company A. I told him I wouldn't accept the offer unless Bob would eventually join too. Bob agreed, so I accepted the job offer. Bob continued through the interview process, but was super flaky. We kept in touch through the process and he often had to "reschedule". I continued to promote and pump him up with company C saying how great of a guy Bob is and how Bob is serious about joining. Eventually, but very slowly, he was down to the final rounds. I double checked with him a couple days before his final rounds to make sure he was serious and he assured me he was. He even asked me for prep material and I spent time writing a long email to prepare for him.
This is where the red flags started...
As I said, I sent him a long email to help him prep. By default in my Gmail, I have an email tracker (see when people open/read your email). He opened my email once the day I sent it to him, and never again.
Today is 1 day supposedly after his final rounds. I called him last night, he didn't pick up. I texted him today, he never responded. Bob is a very direct/open/responsive person, and this has me very concerned.
Lastly, selfishly, my reputation is at stake with company C since I vouched for Bob. Also, Bob not joining definitely makes me reconsider (even though it's too late)
For those saying
Why don't I just check with company C? I haven't officially started, but of course when I start I could
Maybe Bob is afraid to say no to me? As I said, Bob is a super direct/open/responsive person so that's not him
Option #2.
Perhaps not really afraid, but not interested to work with you anymore. One of those guys who don't want to end a (flaky) friendship by saying it to your face.
After the incident with work B you should get a hint. It was already pretty obvious.
More hints followed, but you kept pushing him to make decision.
Stop wanting and waiting for him. Find the best job that suits you and stop thinking about him. He seems to be happy with his work arrangements.
Bob and I are really good friends. We met from a previous job (company A) and were an amazing duo. We were both highly recognized and praised together by many and worked together every day for 4 years.
Unfortunately, eventually I had to leave company A but we always wanted the opportunity to work together again. We have always kept in touch as our friendship was more than just being coworkers.
Last year Bob was thinking about leaving and going to company B. He reached out to me and asked if we wanted to work together again and be the dynamic duo. Of course I said yes. When I started interviewing with company B, I told them I was only interested if Bob joined. Bob eventually decided not to move forward.
Now 2019, I'm thinking about leaving and going to company C. Of course, I reached out to Bob. He seemed optimistic. I had gotten a job offer from company C (time bound as usual) and asked Bob if he was serious about joining me because I know he just got promoted at company A. I told him I wouldn't accept the offer unless Bob would eventually join too. Bob agreed, so I accepted the job offer. Bob continued through the interview process, but was super flaky. We kept in touch through the process and he often had to "reschedule". I continued to promote and pump him up with company C saying how great of a guy Bob is and how Bob is serious about joining. Eventually, but very slowly, he was down to the final rounds. I double checked with him a couple days before his final rounds to make sure he was serious and he assured me he was. He even asked me for prep material and I spent time writing a long email to prepare for him.
This is where the red flags started...
As I said, I sent him a long email to help him prep. By default in my Gmail, I have an email tracker (see when people open/read your email). He opened my email once the day I sent it to him, and never again.
Today is 1 day supposedly after his final rounds. I called him last night, he didn't pick up. I texted him today, he never responded. Bob is a very direct/open/responsive person, and this has me very concerned.
Lastly, selfishly, my reputation is at stake with company C since I vouched for Bob. Also, Bob not joining definitely makes me reconsider (even though it's too late)
For those saying
Why don't I just check with company C? I haven't officially started, but of course when I start I could
Maybe Bob is afraid to say no to me? As I said, Bob is a super direct/open/responsive person so that's not him
//end rant. Just feel very betrayed and let down
I don't see why you feel betrayed. You were the one trying to make these moves to company C happen, not Bob, and you unintentionally put him in an awkward position. Bob isn't convinced he wants to move to company C for his own reasons. Maybe he is enjoying the work where he is and doesn't want change. He may have some doubts and may feel you have talked him into something. He is probably in conflict...on one hand he doesn't want to let you down or be dismissive of the efforts you've gone to on his behalf, but on the other he still has reservations about making the move. Have you two discussed his side of it? Have you invited or even welcomed that conversation? Maybe you need to.
In the end, he has to do what makes the most sense for himself. You two are individual people, no matter how brilliantly you work together. His life and what is right for him at this moment is more important than pleasing you no matter how much he respects you. I think you were expecting him to be loyal to YOU, which is why you now feel betrayed and let down. Often, when someone is reluctant to make a decision, they procrastinate...which is why he hasn't followed through in the process and why he is avoiding speaking to you. He doesn't want to disappoint you because he values your relationship.
IMHO you need to let him do what's right for him and accept it. If he chooses not to follow through with company C you need to respect that and wish him well. There really isn't a wrong answer here. He isn't doing anything to deliberately let you down. Relationships change with every decision we make in our lives. The strongest relationships are the ones that can flex and adjust to whatever comes along. There's no reason you two can't continue your friendship even though you don't work at the same office. As for your reputation with company C...don't worry about it. They'll survive if he doesn't end up working for them. If he's the straightforward honest person you described, he will explain his decision in his own way.
Last edited by Parnassia; 02-09-2019 at 12:47 AM..
The only red flag I see here is not wanting to join a company you were interested in because your friend didn't find it interesting. You are way too dependent.
I do not understand needing to or wanting to work as a twosome so strongly.
In our specific position, sales, it matters a lot who you work with. Plus, at my age, relationships + networking are more important than "just a job"
Quote:
Originally Posted by elnina
Option #2.
Perhaps not really afraid, but not interested to work with you anymore. One of those guys who don't want to end a (flaky) friendship by saying it to your face.
That just doesn't seem like him. We are an open book, and we tell it as is
Quote:
Originally Posted by Parnassia
I don't see why you feel betrayed. You were the one trying to make these moves to company C happen, not Bob, and you unintentionally put him in an awkward position. Bob isn't convinced he wants to move to company C for his own reasons. Maybe he is enjoying the work where he is and doesn't want change. He may have some doubts and may feel you have talked him into something. He is probably in conflict...on one hand he doesn't want to let you down or be dismissive of the efforts you've gone to on his behalf, but on the other he still has reservations about making the move. Have you two discussed his side of it? Have you invited or even welcomed that conversation? Maybe you need to.
In the end, he has to do what makes the most sense for himself. You two are individual people, no matter how brilliantly you work together. His life and what is right for him at this moment is more important than pleasing you no matter how much he respects you. I think you were expecting him to be loyal to YOU, which is why you now feel betrayed and let down. Often, when someone is reluctant to make a decision, they procrastinate...which is why he hasn't followed through in the process and why he is avoiding speaking to you. He doesn't want to disappoint you because he values your relationship.
IMHO you need to let him do what's right for him and accept it. If he chooses not to follow through with company C you need to respect that and wish him well. There really isn't a wrong answer here. He isn't doing anything to deliberately let you down. Relationships change with every decision we make in our lives. The strongest relationships are the ones that can flex and adjust to whatever comes along. There's no reason you two can't continue your friendship even though you don't work at the same office. As for your reputation with company C...don't worry about it. They'll survive if he doesn't end up working for them. If he's the straightforward honest person you described, he will explain his decision in his own way.
Thanks for a well-written reply.
To answer your question - Yes I did discuss his side of it. I was very upfront with him. I told/asked if he is serious about joining because I know he is not actively looking. I told him I didn't want to, respectfully, waste his nor company's C time. I said cut the BS I don't care if he says no I just need to know. He told me/assured me he was serious and he wants to move on from company A. He is not a lying or deceiving type, he is an open book and we have a very direct open friendship...this is the confusing part...
Bob and I are really good friends. We met from a previous job (company A) and were an amazing duo. We were both highly recognized and praised together by many and worked together every day for 4 years.
Unfortunately, eventually I had to leave company A but we always wanted the opportunity to work together again. We have always kept in touch as our friendship was more than just being coworkers.
Last year Bob was thinking about leaving and going to company B. He reached out to me and asked if we wanted to work together again and be the dynamic duo. Of course I said yes. When I started interviewing with company B, I told them I was only interested if Bob joined. Bob eventually decided not to move forward.
Now 2019, I'm thinking about leaving and going to company C. Of course, I reached out to Bob. He seemed optimistic. I had gotten a job offer from company C (time bound as usual) and asked Bob if he was serious about joining me because I know he just got promoted at company A. I told him I wouldn't accept the offer unless Bob would eventually join too. Bob agreed, so I accepted the job offer. Bob continued through the interview process, but was super flaky. We kept in touch through the process and he often had to "reschedule". I continued to promote and pump him up with company C saying how great of a guy Bob is and how Bob is serious about joining. Eventually, but very slowly, he was down to the final rounds. I double checked with him a couple days before his final rounds to make sure he was serious and he assured me he was. He even asked me for prep material and I spent time writing a long email to prepare for him.
This is where the red flags started...
As I said, I sent him a long email to help him prep. By default in my Gmail, I have an email tracker (see when people open/read your email). He opened my email once the day I sent it to him, and never again.
Today is 1 day supposedly after his final rounds. I called him last night, he didn't pick up. I texted him today, he never responded. Bob is a very direct/open/responsive person, and this has me very concerned.
Lastly, selfishly, my reputation is at stake with company C since I vouched for Bob. Also, Bob not joining definitely makes me reconsider (even though it's too late)
For those saying
Why don't I just check with company C? I haven't officially started, but of course when I start I could
Maybe Bob is afraid to say no to me? As I said, Bob is a super direct/open/responsive person so that's not him
//end rant. Just feel very betrayed and let down
This is the second time Bob has bailed on changing jobs and in fact has continued to work for Company A. It's been my experience that some people like the idea of changing jobs but cannot pull the trigger on making the change. It's a psychological issue related to security of the known vs. the unknown, that is difficult (or embarrassing) for them to explain.
Last edited by Maddie104; 02-09-2019 at 07:21 AM..
I had a situation many years ago where I had a 7-year professional/personal relationship with a colleague and we were about to go into a deal — I was buying a small business — that I would fund and he would run the operation. He agreed, agreed, agreed. Started ghosting me about 48 hours before I was to go into the bank closing. I went through with the deal and he never followed through. In the end simply sent me a text saying his wife was too opposed to it. So there I was, stuck with something to manage I never planned on. In the end, I got the operation up and running and sold it without a loss. It damaged the relationship and although he has reached out I have not responded to him.
The point of this story is radio-silence is a loud and clear signal that he is not going to go with Company C.
I think it's very bizarre for two adults to make vows to take a job only if the other one does. It sounds like something my bff and I would have done as teenagers. Maybe as Bob went through the interview process, he didn't get a good feeling and as he learned more about the job, didn't feel it was a good fit anymore. He was probably avoiding telling you. I think your expectation that an adult take a job he discovers isn't in his best interests for any reason, take it anyway because he promised you he would is, again, IMO, absurd.
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