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Hm. I guess I wouldn't have wanted to experience elBulli or Alinea on my own--it was just too much....theater for me to enjoy alone (that said, I prefer to go to the actual theater alone). But a steak sitting at the bar of a steakhouse, especially if I'm travelling alone for pleasure or work? Nothing I'd think twice about. I think when you travel alone, you see things a little differently. I do, anyway. A meal can be social, or merely pleasurably (or sometimes just perfunctory, but I always aim for pleasurable, especially when traveling).
Oddly, if I see someone eating a steak at a bar, the pity reflex doesn’t kick in. Seems more diner-like I guess. Of course the bottom line is who cares if they are being pitied? If you want a good meal and you have to do it alone, and a few people stare, screw them. There’s worse things than being pitied.
Also, something else just occurred to me. I feel far more pity for a woman eating alone in a restaurant setting, than a man. Probably latent sexism, but it seems sadder if the lone diner is a woman. I usually equate being a loner as more of a male problem.
Oddly, if I see someone eating a steak at a bar, the pity reflex doesn’t kick in. Seems more diner-like I guess. Of course the bottom line is who cares if they are being pitied? If you want a good meal and you have to do it alone, and a few people stare, screw them. There’s worse things than being pitied.
Also, something else just occurred to me. I feel far more pity for a woman eating alone in a restaurant setting, than a man. Probably latent sexism, but it seems sadder if the lone diner is a woman. I usually equate being a loner as more of a male problem.
Very interesting that seeing someone eating alone triggers a "it's a problem" response to you in the first place (I actually mean that, it is interesting to me because my viewpoint is so very different). I grew up an only child with a single parent, so though I live with a partner and have good friends and family and a dog and a fairly social job, I still do like traveling alone and eating alone and generally being out and about in the world alone at times. It's not a case of settling for doing something alone for lack of a partner but a preference.
Having an opinion on the lonliness of another diner eating alone in a restaurant is not failing to mind one’s business. To achieve that status, one would have to express that opinion to the diner eating alone. But thinking about the sadness of someone eating alone is called empathy.
But....empathy implies that the person eating alone is sad and would prefer to be eating with someone. That is your projection, because you don't like eating alone.
A friend of mine and I were talking about this yesterday and how where we live the people are so closed off to transplants (which we both are). He commented we should buy a house in the same neighborhood and just form our own tribe.
I like people, but I don't like being judged. I like having a handful of close friends who I see regularly. That has been nearly impossible to find since moving out here to the Plains. I hate it. My buddy hates it too, so at least I know I'm not the only one, but it sure feels that way sometimes. Its very isolating. I get tired of being the one who has to initiate meeting up for a drink or hanging out and watching a game or something. The world has changed. I long for a simpler life with more authentic people.
Having an opinion on the lonliness of another diner eating alone in a restaurant is not failing to mind one’s business. To achieve that status, one would have to express that opinion to the diner eating alone. But thinking about the sadness of someone eating alone is called empathy.
Well.... it's also called making assumptions. Why do you think they are sad?
I think that a part of the problem here is that many people think that being alone is BAD, as though people wouldn't be alone or do things alone if there were any other choice. People assume that it must be because the loner doesn't have any choice, maybe they are social misfits, they can't make or keep friends. It's as if the thought that maybe some people not only don't mind being alone, but might actually prefer it is never even a consideration, it's just unthinkable! I'm sure for some people it is bothersome and they probably are lonely, but it IS frustrating that the overwhelming default opinion is that people who are alone need to be pitied because, well obviously something is wrong with being alone.
I doubt most of us like being pitied, or feeling like we are being put on the defensive for making a conscious lifestyle choice.
Last edited by DubbleT; 02-13-2019 at 02:08 PM..
Reason: I see Cantabridgienne beat me to it, and nicely expressed it too, lol
Yeah, I agree. When I see someone eating alone at a restaurant (not a diner, that’s different), I always think it seems sad.
It only seems sad to those like you, who are way too insecure to do it themselves. The reality is all the person is thinking about is having a bite to eat.
But....empathy implies that the person eating alone is sad and would prefer to be eating with someone. That is your projection, because you don't like eating alone.
It is more likely a probability observation. In the fine dining space, the amount of times you see someone eating alone is quite low. I would even call it rare. If I go out to a restaurant (fine dining, not informal), I might only see a diner eating alone once every 20 visits. It’s just not a common thing. The restaurant experience seems to be an activity that is overwhelmingly enjoyed as a social undertaking rather than solitary. So when I see someone eating alone, it stands out, and in a negative way rather than a positive. You feel sorry for the person and wish they were eating with a spouse or a good friend.
It only seems sad to those like you, who are way too insecure to do it themselves. The reality is all the person is thinking about is having a bite to eat.
See how you are going into attack mode? That could be part of your problem.
Well.... it's also called making assumptions. Why do you think they are sad?
I think that a part of the problem here is that many people think that being alone is BAD, as though people wouldn't be alone or do things alone if there were any other choice. People assume that it must be because the loner doesn't have any choice, maybe they are social misfits, they can't make or keep friends. It's as if the thought that maybe some people not only don't mind being alone, but might actually prefer it is never even a consideration, it's just unthinkable! I'm sure for some people it is bothersome and they probably are lonely, but it IS frustrating that the overwhelming default opinion is that people who are alone need to be pitied because, well obviously something is wrong with being alone.
I doubt most of us like being pitied, or feeling like we are being put on the defensive for making a conscious lifestyle choice.
You are just going to have to ignore it. If you are alone in a space where the activity is usually overwhelmingly social, you are going to get some pity. For example, if I saw someone at Disney World on a day trip all by themselves, the pity reflex would be extreme.
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