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How do you know she wasn't invited by other friends and felt weird about asking you along?
You need to seriously get a grip. A person who went through that kind of trouble when your dog died is likely a good friend. But even the best of friends don't always do everything with each other.
I need to "get a grip?" Okay, thanks for letting me know.
Hey nobodysbusiness, I get how you feel. It's tough.
Maybe this friend has lot of friends and tries to split her time with all of them. Maybe she knows that her friends and you wouldn't mesh well. Feel free to ask her about this (if you don't feel comfortable asking her this, then that's an indication that you're putting too much stock into the friendship.)
If you know that she's purposely leaving you out, that's one thing. If you aren't sure, ask her.
Also, if you're annoyed or feeling something is off about not being invited, the best thing to do I think is to just invite her yourself to some things. She doesn't necessarily have to accept, but just see how she responds. People miss stuff from time to time, but if she doesn't respond to like 5 things in a row or something like that, then you have your answer.
If you've already made some initiation and there isn't some reasonable reciprocation back, then you should just fade away from her. As much as yourself or I may want to tell someone like her that you don't want to be friends anymore, that is not the best way to go generally as we all make mistakes, maybe didn't really mean to or didn't know any better either. If the person obviously meant to be mean to you, then it's okay to push them away like that.
So far, it sounds like she's a friend, but maybe currently not that great, deep friendship some of us want. Maybe it could become that. Usually, if something doesn't continue to develop, it doesn't get that deep ever, but it could. Just don't have high expectations, but keep your door open and keep looking around.
Also, if your efforts turn out to be or seem fruitless after awhile, you can just disconnect from the person or allow them to meet you at your convenience. I wouldn't shut the door, but you know the balance isn't enough quality, create standards for the relationship that allow that quality to develop and that withhold your social integrity. If the person then comes back to you to ask you/tell you you haven't been contacting them, then that gives you room to tell them why.
In the mean time, look for other people to build connections with. Good luck!
Thank you. I am "over it," for the most part - the ornament just reminded me of it. I think I am just wanting a deeper, more trustworthy connection to someone - it's just a missing piece in my life.
I am not sure how I feel about her at the moment. When I get a new dog, maybe I will invite her and her dogs over to my house.
Thank you. I am "over it," for the most part - the ornament just reminded me of it. I think I am just wanting a deeper, more trustworthy connection to someone - it's just a missing piece in my life.
I am not sure how I feel about her at the moment. When I get a new dog, maybe I will invite her and her dogs over to my house.
I hope you invite her to do something. You don't have to ditch her while you seek a soulmate type friend.
After a friend disappointed me - again - a counselor I was seeing told me that I needed to lower my expectations of that friend. it took a couple of years before I really understood that.
This friend and I are friends again. I have different expectations of her now, and within those boundaries, our friendship is great now.
I'm finally learning, though, to think twice before tossing someone out of my life. I do think it's important to have good boundaries first, so you don't just keep losers around for the sake of having friends. But, beyond that, it's true that people aren't perfect. If they're more perfect than not, overall, you might want to think twice before tossing them away.
That's exactly what I was doing with several "friends" - lowering my standards - I hear what you're saying, but I think I lowered mine too far in a couple of cases . . . I am not seeking perfection, just nice, decent, thoughtful people!!!! And I do think I am usually a good friend, but I have plenty of flaws - one is that I don't like commitment so don't like making plans in advance - like to see how I'll be feeling, and that is not practical for most people. I don't mind if people call me at the last minute to see if I would like to do something, and I like to do that, as well. I think that is a problem for many people.
I need to "get a grip?" Okay, thanks for letting me know.
Well, you asked. I wrote a post supportive of you in your other thread. But this endless navel gazing of what people say and don't say, or do and don't do, will drive you up the wall.
In 12 step programs, what you are doing is called "taking my inventory." You went and read some of my posts for some reason and now think you know me - but you don't (and I don't know you or why you would do that).
I do often respond when I feel attacked. That's just my personality.
Thank you for your well-wishes about my happiness
So you are an alcoholic?? That would explain a lot.
I am really a "good person." I have helped many people in sickness, and even some with cancer. I wasn't able to "be there" for her at that time. I am sure you're 100% awesome all of the time. Congrats on that.
I'm not awesome 100% of the time, but I'm also not the one posting here upset about not being invited to a gathering of people you don't know well and feeling disappointed at someone not willing to open up emotionally to you, while at the same time saying that I didn't show up when my "friend" had cancer. You have zero (0) space to be upset with her over such minor things when you screwed up in such a major way.
And yes, you screwed up. Have you apologized to her for your absence?
The people who didn't show up during my cancer treatment no longer have a place in my life. They may have very good personal reasons why they couldn't buckle up and deal, but it showed me that I wasn't important to them. That includes family and old friends. I may still send cards or gifts at the holidays or wish them well, but they're never going to be someone I trust again. I (and your "friend") didn't outlive cancer to lower our standards so much!
That's exactly what I was doing with several "friends" - lowering my standards - I hear what you're saying, but I think I lowered mine too far in a couple of cases . . . I am not seeking perfection, just nice, decent, thoughtful people!!!! And I do think I am usually a good friend, but I have plenty of flaws - one is that I don't like commitment so don't like making plans in advance - like to see how I'll be feeling, and that is not practical for most people. I don't mind if people call me at the last minute to see if I would like to do something, and I like to do that, as well. I think that is a problem for many people.
It's hard to not like commitment and have quality good friends.
Possible, but hard.
The problem with not liking commitment but wanting deep friendships is that if you unintentionally infringe on other people's time, energy, schedules, psyche, or whatever else I can't think of, then you are not able to be a good friend to said person yourself. Most people who don't do commitment tend to unintentionally or intentionally f-up others' schedules.
I tend to want deeper friendships myself, but I am a planner. I am okay with spontaneous, but people have to be okay with me saying "no" too "a million times" possibly.
I have a friend who is very spontaneous but he is respectful to me as a person and my schedule. Most spontaneous I have met don't fit this realm well unfortunately.
It's about both people- not just one. Also, when you're spontaneous, it also implies that for the other person, if they are feeling like a date or prefer another activity over yours or over your company, they will choose it because it wasn't set in stone. So, keep that in mind.
Maybe, some commitment for the right person/people here and there for certain, random things and not others might be the best way for you to go. Make sure people you think you clique with know this about you- especially if they seem more like planners to you. This will help with your building of connection(s) a lot.
I'm not awesome 100% of the time, but I'm also not the one posting here upset about not being invited to a gathering of people you don't know well and feeling disappointed at someone not willing to open up emotionally to you, while at the same time saying that I didn't show up when my "friend" had cancer. You have zero (0) space to be upset with her over such minor things when you screwed up in such a major way.
And yes, you screwed up. Have you apologized to her for your absence?
The people who didn't show up during my cancer treatment no longer have a place in my life. They may have very good personal reasons why they couldn't buckle up and deal, but it showed me that I wasn't important to them. That includes family and old friends. I may still send cards or gifts at the holidays or wish them well, but they're never going to be someone I trust again. I (and your "friend") didn't outlive cancer to lower our standards so much!
Ha ha. You are projecting on me!
I assume I disappointed my friend, and I have apologized, more than once. There is a logical excuse, in that she lives quite far from me, AND if I was able to be a better friend at the time, I "should" have visited her.
I still do not wish to visit her - I guess I don't consider her a true friend.
P.S. I have had skin cancers more than once and no one was ever "there" for me - family or friends.
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