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In 2000, there were more than twice as many stepchildren (4.4 million) as adopted children (2.1 million), with stepchildren representing 5 percent of children of the householder.
Was there 1 or 2 step-parents in the home (i.e only one parent had children from previous relationship or both parents did)?
How old were you when the blending occured?
Did you have a certain way of addressing the step parent or did you call them by first name?
What do you think worked in your step-family?
What do you think didn't work in your step-family?
I was raised in two different households. Both with step Mothers - yes really!
1: In my Mother's household I was the only child.
1b: In my Father's household I had a step brother and step sister.
2: I was young when parents split up. I lived with my Mother's household from the age of 6 until 10. Then moved in with my Father and his wife and her two kids from age 10 to age 11.5. Then back to my Mother.
3: Called them by their first names. Tried calling Dad's wife 'Mum' once, Makes me want to gag just thinking about it.
4: Very little. It wasn't a great situation in either household.
5: My Mother's partner never wanted kids and was steralized in her 20s. It was ok with her before I went to live with my Dad, but awful after that. Guess she got used to having my Mother to herself and couldn't get used to a kid being around again.
My Father's wife is a miserable, unbalanced woman. I think she was very threatened by my presence. I tried to do things to please her, but nothing ever worked. I eventually stopped seeing her almost altogether when I was 18. See her occassionally at family occassions (invited her to my wedding, etc), but wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her.
Tough decision as it also means that I rarely see my step siblings (who were fine) and haven't been to either of the last two homes that my Father has lived in for 10 years or more.
He comes to see me or I meet him somewhere. He has been to the US twice in 5 years. It's tough, and I know it's not easy for him to be married to her either.
I have a great relationship with both parents (although it's been touch and go with Dad a few times), but hardly any relationship with either of the step Mothers. It's a real shame too, because it doesn't have to be that way.
Sorry for the doom and gloom. It can be done, and it can work. Just didn't work too well in my case sadly.
1) Are one or both parents step-parents (i.e only one parent had children from previous relationship or both parents did)?
We both have kids
2)What are the ages of the children involved?
They were 7, 15 & 23 - now 15, 23 & 30
3) How do they kids address the step-parent (i.e. special term or by first name)?
By the 1st name
4) What works in your family? (any tips you can offer for step-family success)
It's hard merging families as someone isn't going to be happy at some point. You just have to work with it.
5) What struggles (if any) have you faced? (again, tips you can offer to overcome them)
Since my SS was older he's had a hard time adjusting to it. Hard to see his father raising another ladies kids. The best advice I can give is if there is animosity from one of the kids towards the new parent, the kids natural parent needs to not get into the middle of it and not believe what is being said if trouble is starting. They need to say "this is between you & that person, don't involve me". The step parent also has to abide by that, not just the kid.
Thank you both for sharing. I thought about asking these questions because I have custody of my 2 kids who both live with me, a boy 19 and a girl 15. My fiance has custody of his 3 kids, all living with him, a boy 15 and 2 little girls ages 3 & 4.
I was raised in a single parent home. Only me and my mom, though my grandmother was always around. I had no contact with my father as he took off when I was 1 and to this day, I have never met him, know anything as to his whereabouts or if he is even dead or alive (neither does his family).
I was married to a man that had a child from his previous relationship. She was only 6 months old when he and I were married and I raised her until she was 14. She used to call me "mama" and her mother "mom" or "mommy". (It was at the child's initiation and her mom and dad were okay with this). There were some little issues here and there, primarily due to different rules in her mom's house than those in ours.
In our home though, all the kids were equal and she was never made to feel like she was "visiting" her dad's house. It was her house too. Vacations and all were planned around time we had her and there were periods of time where we had her more often than the mom.
We had our 2 kids too and the 3 of them generally got along just fine, short of the normal sibling rivalry that goes on at times.
My ex and I have been divorced now 3 years. I don't really have a relationship with my step-daughter, left it up to her to continue it and told her I would always be here for her but she is (as a lot of teenagers) self-absorbed and selfish right now. She just turned 18. When we at times see each other, it's nice... hugs, kisses, miss you type things but right now she just see's me as no longer part of her family. As she matures, she may seek more contact with me, or maybe not. I won't force it on her though.
In my current relationship. The kids get a long pretty good right now. No known issues or problems. It appears the blending will go smoothly, but I'm sure that after the wedding and we are all living under the same roof, there may be some things that come up here and there. I.E. arguments over the bathroom LOL. 5 kids sharing 1 bathroom, 3 of which are teenagers <yikes>.
His 3 kids currently call me by my first name. My kids call him by his first name. My preference is some sort of term that is special and more of a family level than first name but again, it won't be forced or imposed. If it happens great, if it doesn't, it doesn't. With the older kids especially, I am not really expecting it to. Maybe with the younger ones as time goes on... but will be up to them.
My fiance and I have very similar values, morals and goals. We do have slightly different approaches to parenting, but nothing major and the important things are similar, just addressed a little differently.
So figured asking these questions wouldn't hurt to gain some insight from those who have been there or are there.
Again, thank you both for responding. Looking forward to more responses.
You know, I voted that I was in a step family household growing up, but I wasn't, that was a mistake.
I lived with both natural parents, it was my brothers and sisters who had a step father/step mother.
It was both of my parents second marriage and I was their only child. My mother brought three children to the marriage, my father brought two, then they had me.
If I ever marry again, or if my wasband ever marries again, there will be at least a step mother/father.
My mothers other kids, my brothers and sister, never felt like they got a fair shake... I don't know exactly how the other two felt, I was not as close to them, as when I was born, they had already moved out, for the most part.
Seemed like as we all got older, everyone grew closer, though.
You know, I voted that I was in a step family household growing up, but I wasn't, that was a mistake.
I lived with both natural parents, it was my brothers and sisters who had a step father/step mother.
It was both of my parents second marriage and I was their only child. My mother brought three children to the marriage, my father brought two, then they had me.
If I ever marry again, or if my wasband ever marries again, there will be at least a step mother/father.
My mothers other kids, my brothers and sister, never felt like they got a fair shake... I don't know exactly how the other two felt, I was not as close to them, as when I was born, they had already moved out, for the most part.
Seemed like as we all got older, everyone grew closer, though.
If I understand your post correctly then you didn't vote wrong. In fact you voted correctly.
If your mom and your father both had children from a previous marriage before getting together and having you, you had a step-family situation through your half-brothers and sisters. It was a sort of his kids, her kids, their kid together situation.
Were any of them still living at home, or visit regularly as you were growing up?
It's not an option on the poll, but I was a part of such situation and will never, EVER, be again! Did i mention NEVER?!
Ohhh.. yeah seems I left that one out. Thought I covered it all but forgot the one of ... Have been in a step-family household but not anymore. Sorry about that. Thanks for posting though... care to briefly share why? You don't have to if you don't want to.
Thank you both for sharing. I thought about asking these questions because I have custody of my 2 kids who both live with me, a boy 19 and a girl 15. My fiance has custody of his 3 kids, all living with him, a boy 15 and 2 little girls ages 3 & 4.
Wow, that is going to be tough. How did you decide who is sharing a room?
Quote:
Originally Posted by mari4him
I was married to a man that had a child from his previous relationship. She was only 6 months old when he and I were married and I raised her until she was 14. She used to call me "mama" and her mother "mom" or "mommy". (It was at the child's initiation and her mom and dad were okay with this). There were some little issues here and there, primarily due to different rules in her mom's house than those in ours.
My ex and I have been divorced now 3 years. I don't really have a relationship with my step-daughter, left it up to her to continue it and told her I would always be here for her but she is (as a lot of teenagers) self-absorbed and selfish right now. She just turned 18. When we at times see each other, it's nice... hugs, kisses, miss you type things but right now she just see's me as no longer part of her family. As she matures, she may seek more contact with me, or maybe not. I won't force it on her though.
If you have texting on your phone you might try to text her just to let her know you are still there. I don't doubt she's adjusting to the new situation and probably feels weird calling you 1st.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mari4him
In our home though, all the kids were equal and she was never made to feel like she was "visiting" her dad's house. It was her house too. Vacations and all were planned around time we had her and there were periods of time where we had her more often than the mom.
I can tell stories about my experience. I welcomed my SS into our home, it was his childhood home but he'd already moved out when I came along. When he came to visit he seemed fine. At one time he had to move back and was not in sync with the 4 of us which ended up causing problems.
We had routines, laundry, showers; he just did what he wanted, when he wanted. Same thing with the phone, we stopped taking calls at 7:30, people called for him some times after 10pm. My hubby is a truck driver and goes to sleep any where from 8 to 10.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mari4him
In my current relationship. The kids get a long pretty good right now. No known issues or problems. It appears the blending will go smoothly, but I'm sure that after the wedding and we are all living under the same roof, there may be some things that come up here and there. I.E. arguments over the bathroom LOL. 5 kids sharing 1 bathroom, 3 of which are teenagers <yikes>.
If one child has been living in the house you will be in, another child of the same age may want to hang with that one and their friends; if they have nothing in common, that will be hard.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mari4him
His 3 kids currently call me by my first name. My kids call him by his first name. My preference is some sort of term that is special and more of a family level than first name but again, it won't be forced or imposed. If it happens great, if it doesn't, it doesn't. With the older kids especially, I am not really expecting it to. Maybe with the younger ones as time goes on... but will be up to them.
If you want them to call you something get it going asap. My daughter wishes she started calling my hubby dad and at 15 feels weird doing it. Time flies.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mari4him
My fiance and I have very similar values, morals and goals. We do have slightly different approaches to parenting, but nothing major and the important things are similar, just addressed a little differently.
Also take into consideration who will deal with what child and when. Say that you are home and his child is supposed to vac and stays in their room all day doing nothing. Will you say something to them during the day or will you tell your hubby and have him speak to the kid?
Thank you both for sharing. I thought about asking these questions because I have custody of my 2 kids who both live with me, a boy 19 and a girl 15. My fiance has custody of his 3 kids, all living with him, a boy 15 and 2 little girls ages 3 & 4.
I was raised in a single parent home. Only me and my mom, though my grandmother was always around. I had no contact with my father as he took off when I was 1 and to this day, I have never met him, know anything as to his whereabouts or if he is even dead or alive (neither does his family).
I was married to a man that had a child from his previous relationship. She was only 6 months old when he and I were married and I raised her until she was 14. She used to call me "mama" and her mother "mom" or "mommy". (It was at the child's initiation and her mom and dad were okay with this). There were some little issues here and there, primarily due to different rules in her mom's house than those in ours.
In our home though, all the kids were equal and she was never made to feel like she was "visiting" her dad's house. It was her house too. Vacations and all were planned around time we had her and there were periods of time where we had her more often than the mom.
We had our 2 kids too and the 3 of them generally got along just fine, short of the normal sibling rivalry that goes on at times.
My ex and I have been divorced now 3 years. I don't really have a relationship with my step-daughter, left it up to her to continue it and told her I would always be here for her but she is (as a lot of teenagers) self-absorbed and selfish right now. She just turned 18. When we at times see each other, it's nice... hugs, kisses, miss you type things but right now she just see's me as no longer part of her family. As she matures, she may seek more contact with me, or maybe not. I won't force it on her though.
In my current relationship. The kids get a long pretty good right now. No known issues or problems. It appears the blending will go smoothly, but I'm sure that after the wedding and we are all living under the same roof, there may be some things that come up here and there. I.E. arguments over the bathroom LOL. 5 kids sharing 1 bathroom, 3 of which are teenagers <yikes>.
His 3 kids currently call me by my first name. My kids call him by his first name. My preference is some sort of term that is special and more of a family level than first name but again, it won't be forced or imposed. If it happens great, if it doesn't, it doesn't. With the older kids especially, I am not really expecting it to. Maybe with the younger ones as time goes on... but will be up to them.
My fiance and I have very similar values, morals and goals. We do have slightly different approaches to parenting, but nothing major and the important things are similar, just addressed a little differently.
So figured asking these questions wouldn't hurt to gain some insight from those who have been there or are there.
Again, thank you both for responding. Looking forward to more responses.
God and all powers help ya... You have to be a saint!
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