Husband's dad dying--- (father, member, children, brother)
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My husband's dad left his mom 15 years ago. They were married 45 years! for another woman. Make a long story short-my husband's sister died at 31 of lung ca.(never,smoked- a rare form, was diagnosed and in 6 months she died)..His father left 6 months after my husband's sister died.. Obviously, the children, (my husband and his sister), have a LOT of resentment. She got a call from her dad this past Xmas *after not talking for 15 years)and out of the blue he called. Well, my husband got a Xmas card from his father, with a picture of himself (his father)in the card..to wish him a Merry Xmas. I told my husband maybe he was dying? and wanted to make peace? My husband said, "he left my mother and our family"...all of a sudden now?.....Oh, and he is STILL with the other woman!living near my mother in law---supposedly she comes from "a lot of "old money"won't mention the name...for obvious reasons.
My hub would probably sht if he saw me writing this! But since then, an uncle in the family was doing a geneology tree and needed some info and I sent it back to him with a picture of my children in it...He called yesterday and announced on our answering machine (addressing my husband)that his dad *the uncle's brother* had come back to the "area" and basically is dying from cancer *advanced stages* at this point. Said on the machine, his father had a month to live per the doctors.. I passed the message along to my husband. Obviously, he is still hurt and resentful and basically said, he left my mom and now he wants to talk?His relationship with his dad growing up was never super close but still---he was definitely close to his mother in comparison....
So, what are your thoughts? I had a really good set of parents, almost like June and Ward Cleaver or Ozzie and Harriet types...I cannot imagine the pain he is feeling and mixed emotions from all of this. He *his father* is basically dead in his mind after leaving and never getting in touch with him after he left the mother. I have a brother who is pretty much "dead" to me too, for reasons I will not go into because its a long story! (I posted something way back on a thread I started)...but it is a different "animal" than your parents...
Anyway, can anyone give me guidance or opinions on what YOU would do?
It is a tough situation. I can see if the father came around through the years BUT now?
thanks for any help in this matter! Is it for the father to clear his own conscience of his own wrongdoing?
I know its tough, but your husband needs to try to forgive him.
His Dad is on his death bed, and maybe this is his way of trying to reach out, and ask for his forgiveness.
Either way, the air needs to be cleared, before they both can "move on."
I know of someone who was married for 25 years. He left her too, and she carried a grudge for alot of years after that. Well...she was on her death bed. She could not speak, but she could hear him. He ask her to forgive him, and to squeeze his hand, if she accepted...she did.
I agree with Yankeegirl. Your hubby will never forgive himself if he doesn't. At the very least, hubby should go, see his father to say good-bye. The emotions may come pouring out. He only has one chance at this. I am so sorry you and your hubby are going through this.
I agree, he needs to make amends. He also needs to remember that grief and the loss of a child effects people in different ways. Could his sisters death had anything to do with his dad leaving his mom? I'm not condoning his affair but sometimes a marriage can't survive the loss of a child (even if that child was a grown adult). He also has to consider that his dad is still with this woman. Even though his dad went about it the wrong way, does he really want to punish his dad forever for finding happiness with someone else?
Situations like this are hard to handle sometimes.
I think when the time comes for those of us who realize we have made mistakes, and have very little time to apologize or make amends, we want the other party to know that they are not out of our thoughts.
It is a last ditch effort to ask forgiveness for having human failings from those you still care about.
Impending death has a way of bringing back what is really important.
Maybe your husbands forgiveness is really important to the old man and will let him go in peace.
I think that is what he is asking for.
It won't cause any harm. The old man is your husbands father and maybe he has made mistakes but he planted the seed that gave your husband life.
If it was me I would respond just to thank him for giving me life.
Years from now your husband will probably feel better about making that decision than he would about keeping his hate inside and knowing that his Dad wanted forgiveness and never recieved it.
Blood is thicker than water. And thicker than human mistakes some people make in their life.
And just maybe the death of a younger daughter affected him in such a way that what he did was an unconcious defense against ever being hurt that way again.
Maybe he was afraid to show love after that happened and had to get away from everything connected with that part of his life.
Losing a kid can change peoples lives and destroy their goals and even their minds.
I should be more specific. The uncle called, not his father... but was reaching out to my husband...
thanks for everyone's opinions. I am 3rd party here trying to look at all sides!
He also has a daughter he talked to at Xmas time....but hasn't called her either since...........1 time in 15 years...She had told me she felt kind of numb to it all..didn't really feel much of anything after that long....
I say be the bigger one and just call say hello.....at least my husband can close the door on it in peace...
I cannot make him call him either. I just wanted some opinions...and thanks again!! I appreciate it.
It's possible his lack of contact was a combination of guilt and maybe because they reminded him too much of his daughter who died? I'm sure it's really hurt them but to hold it against him even in the face of death would be a shame.
Hey PA2,
I understand what you mean....but from what I know, it went back way before......the sister died..I am sure it didn't help matters but he and his father never really clicked and never did anything with him growing up...... I know, long story........whew, it's a tough one.....
My husband is very respectful of his mom (used to pay her bills and take her of her financially for a while also)....and treated his mom right....I think he is protecting his mom and her feelings too. That has to play into it. I can see that written on his face.
My husband's dad left his mom 15 years ago. They were married 45 years! for another woman. ..............?
Your "father in law" was married to your mother in-law for 45 years when he left her for another woman. And that was 15 years ago. Uhm,
So, how old was your husband when this happened? I guess old enough to understand that a separation doesn't happen overnight or out of the blue. I am not defending your father in law, my guess is that his actions hurt many people, and right after a terrible loss such as you mentioned, but lets see the other side of the coin.
I see a desperate and confused man.
Maybe he was unhappy in the reationship, maybe he was depressed, maybe he got greedy, materialistic and wanted to spice up whatever youth left in him,
maybe he was going thru midlife crisis, maybe he was cruel...and why did he married your mother in law in the first place?
Oh yes, he hurt many people, the scars are still vivid, the memories shattered, the dreams of seeing your parents aging together broken forever.
Something similar happened in our family, but you know what?, as you get older you learn, (you have to!) you learn to forgive and forget,
which in the end benefits your physical and emotional health.
I am not sarcastic, believe me, I'm just trying to understand why someone would leave a partner of 45 years! When you guys find the answer,
there may be forgiveness and healing.
Him leaving your mother in law after 45 years, 20 years or 8 years, either way and the fact is, he left, and he lost a great opportunity.
But Please don't let him win in the end. Reach out and contact him before he passes away. Let him know how good you guys turn out, how happy you are, how the children (grandchildren?) have grown, the similar traits, laugh and remember the good memories, and if you have to, let him know that although his actions are unforgivable,
you understand that it was a situation between a married couple and it was not your husband's fault and that you are thankful for the time he was with the mother.
Let him(father in law) go, release him and you'll be free. I hope you understand this last part.
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Make a long story short-my husband's sister died at 31 of lung ca.(never,smoked- a rare form, was diagnosed and in 6 months she died)..His father left 6 months after my husband's sister died.. Obviously, the children, (my husband and his sister), have a LOT of resentment. She got a call from her dad this past Xmas *after not talking for 15 years)and out of the blue he called. Well, my husband got a Xmas card from his father, with a picture of himself (his father)in the card..to wish him a Merry Xmas. I told my husband maybe he was dying? and wanted to make peace? My husband said, "he left my mother and our family"...all of a sudden now?.....Oh, and he is STILL with the other woman!living near my mother in law---supposedly she comes from "a lot of "old money"won't mention the name...for obvious reasons.
