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There are several reasons why people have funerals. And yes, they are for the living, because the dead don't care. It's primarily it's to help the family and those who really cared about the deceased to say goodbye and try to find closure. However, when you really love someone, a few hours at a funeral crying and hugging each other is just not enough. And some will grieve for their loved ones for years and even decades afterwards.
But there is another aspect to funerals, and I believe that family pride is involved. So if there is a large showing at the funeral, then the family gets to feel that their loved one was important and beloved to the community and made a difference while they were alive. So when not many people attend, it's a slap in the face that no one else outside the family cared for the deceased or thought them worthy of attending. To have few show up makes them feel as if the family has lost face in their community standing.
In recent years, I've lost a several grandparents, a sister, a father-n-law I adored, a aunt, an uncle, several close friends to cancer, and several pals from school. It has gotten to the point I can't bring myself to attend them. Too painful for many people I'm guessing?[/quote]
In three years back in the 80s, I lost a father, three grandparents, two uncles, an aunt, a cousin, a good friend, and a girlfriend who died in a car wreck. And yet I went.
Clearly, it is best for me to not go to funerals. I don't understand or agree with them anyway- especially open casket. My parents do not want funerals- that's not the way my family mourns. Cremation and a party with no black allowed... that's the way I prefer it. I understand that others need funerals to get their closure, but their closure does not need to be marred by me doing something uncontrollable to embarrass myself.
"Funerals", as such, do not exhibit dead bodies. "Wakes" do, and as far as I'm concerned, it is completely understandable to not wish to view the body. I have not participated in that since I was very young. I don't care for my last memory of someone to be lying in a casket - so I agree with you on this. However, to say you cannot attend a funeral (graveside service) or a closed-casket memorial service (which most are today) is rather self-indulgent I think. You should expend some effort on maturing enough to deal with being around people that are grieving - because that is really the crux of it.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
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Quote:
Originally Posted by artsyguy
Put two and two together. They weren't really friends then.
That's pretty harsh for not knowing the people involved. My dad is a big macho tough guy-ex-truck driver and rugged Alaskan man but inside, he's a big marshmallow. He had a best friend whom he would meet for coffee every morning, then they'd go work on cars together all day--for years. When that friend was diagnosed with a fatal disease (Lou Garricks? not sure of the spelling) and eventually died, my dad wouldn't go to his funeral. My mom said he broke down and was so distraught he couldn't even talk about it. He loved his friend dearly. He just couldn't say goodbye.
Sometimes you want to remember them as you knew them. A funeral with an open casket can traumatize someone for life. I know this did it for me. It was hard to explain to the family but the closest ones that know me knew I meant no disrespect. Seeing someone you love and just saw days ago ice cold can be horrifying. The soul is gone, that is who you knew not some corpse in a suite.
"Funerals", as such, do not exhibit dead bodies. "Wakes" do, and as far as I'm concerned, it is completely understandable to not wish to view the body. I have not participated in that since I was very young. I don't care for my last memory of someone to be lying in a casket - so I agree with you on this. However, to say you cannot attend a funeral (graveside service) or a closed-casket memorial service (which most are today) is rather self-indulgent I think. You should expend some effort on maturing enough to deal with being around people that are grieving - because that is really the crux of it.
I'm just wondering how old you were when you happened upon your first dead body? I discovered a bloody homicide in an alley when I was 6 years old. When are you going to mature enough to realize that there are all kinds of reasons why a person might have problems at a funeral or with death?
I think that you can really tell alot about people when someone passes away. When my parents died together in a crash we set up a big funeral and few of their so called friends attended. I can remember many people who Mom and Dad talked about for years as being such good friends and wonderful people, did not have the time to go to the viewing, funeral or burial. I found this odd because it was on a number of days. These so called friends sent us a Hallmark Card and said they were sorry they could not attend but were so busy.
In other cases I have seen people show up a funerals of people they had not talked to in years and really did not like.
Why does it take a death to really know about family friends? What has been your experience?
First, I wanted to say I am so sorry about your loss. I can only imagine what it must of been like for you.
I have been very fortunate to still have both of my parents still living. My girls have suffered the most losses. They have lost their dad, a grandpa..a step-grandpa that they called their real grandpa..a great grandpa, and a dear friend that was also my half brothers half sister. It has been a rough few years for them. It has been the hardest i've ever had to deal with is watching my babies suffer..
I hope you have had people around to help you through your tough time.
I think that you can really tell alot about people when someone passes away. When my parents died together in a crash we set up a big funeral and few of their so called friends attended.
Political, I lost my parents at once, too, and I really know how it feels. My sincerest condolences.
Quote:
Originally Posted by younglisa7
I lost my father and he died way too early. I went to the funeral and I shouldn't have. It didn't help one bit.
You know, it so happened I've been to only one funeral in my life, too - my uncle's and I do wish I didn't go, either. Would rather remember him alive. I couldn't go to my own parents' funerals... It was impossible due to logistics. Their deaths were not quite unexpected, even though they weren't expected to happen almost simultaneously. I knew beforehand I wasn't gonna be able to go to the funerals and besides, as you say, they're for the living; that's why I made sure I went to see them alive before it's too late. I was gonna go home the following summer. Had made plans to spend Christmas some place else here, but something was telling me summer was gonna be too late and I canceled my vacation and went home for Christmas instead. Good thing I did. It was gonna be too late in summer... In a way I'm glad I wasn't at their funerals... As a matter of fact, I even seriously entertained a crazy idea for quite some time... I was thinking of forgetting about property, cutting ties with all relatives, never going back... and just keep on living and thinking they're OK... just far away... the way it's always been... Obviously, that kind of denial wasn't realistic. It's weird how things work from a huge distance... Some time ago a relative helped me sell their condo (I had gone in the meantime to take care of their graves and home). Even though I obviously know it's been sold, I still can't quite imagine how it's gonna feel to walk by it some day and finally realize that's not our home anymore...
I'm just wondering how old you were when you happened upon your first dead body? I discovered a bloody homicide in an alley when I was 6 years old. When are you going to mature enough to realize that there are all kinds of reasons why a person might have problems at a funeral or with death?
I've had my share of traumatic incidents that occurred in my childhood. I think part of maturing, is learning to deal with that baggage. Obviously some handle it better than others. I wish you luck with yours.
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