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As a kid, I could fall 10 feet off the monkey bars and walk away unhurt.
Last month I tried to scoop some hard frozen ice cream and dislocated my shoulder.
Two Mafia dudes were walking at night in a dark wooded area.
Mafia dude one says: I gotta admit I'm scared in here.
Mafia dude two says: You think you're scared, I gotta walk back alone.
Can you guess the number of lawyer jokes being told?
There are only three of them, the rest are true stories.
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A woman had a heart attack and died. The service at the church was beautiful, and everyone offered their condolences and support to the family. The flowers were beautiful. The pallbearers carried the casket out to the hearse but accidentally bumped it on the corner of the church - and then they heard a gasping sound from inside. They set the casket down, opened it, and the woman sat up - she was alive!
She went on to live another 20 years, thankful for every day. Then, one day, she passed away in her sleep. The service at the church was even more beautiful than the first, and the flowers were even more beautiful than before. Once again, everyone offered their condolences and support to the family.
As the pallbearers lifted the casket to take it out of the church & carry it to the hearse,
the widower said, “hey guys, watch out for the corner of the church there."
•So, cocaine is now legal in Oregon, but straws aren’t. That must be frustrating.
•Threw out my back sleeping, and tweaked my neck sneezing so I’m probably just one strong fart away from complete paralysis.
•Dear scaredy cat people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers. If you do find one, what’s your plan?
•The older I get, the more I understand why roosters just scream to start their day.
•Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the ‘cool table’ in the cafeteria of a mental hospital.
•You know you’re over 60 when you have ‘upstairs ibuprofen’ and ‘downstairs ibuprofen’
•How did doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life, when….the rabbit is always jumping but only lives for around two year, and…the turtle that doesn’t exercise at all, lives over 200 years.
•I too was once a male trapped in a female body…but then my mother gave birth.
•If only vegetables smelled as good as bacon.
•When I lost the fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked the doctor if I would still be able to write with it. He said, “Probably, but I couldn’t count on it.
•I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise. But that was four hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.
•Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had two candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.
•We live in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended
•The biggest joke on mankind is that AI computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren’t a robot.
•When a kid says “Daddy, I want mommy” that’s the kid version of “I’d like to speak to your supervisor”.
•It’s weird being the same age as old people.
•Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say CLOSE ENOUGH.
•Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.
•If Adam and Eve were Cajuns they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.
•We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages …… Metamucil and Ensure.
•You know you are getting old when friends with benefits means having someone who can drive at night.
•Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.
•After watching how some people wore their masks, I understand why contraception fails.
•Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile I am watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
•For those of you that don’t want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they are making a male version…it doesn’t listen to anything.
•I just got a present labeled, ‘From Mom and Dad’, and I know darn well Dad has no idea what’s inside.
•There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
•Reading gives us someplace to go when we have to stay where we are.
•I have many hidden talents. I wish I could remember where I hid them.
•My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.
•Apparently exercise helps you with decision-making. It’s true. I went for a run this morning and decided I’m never going again.
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Last edited by Mike from back east; 12-23-2023 at 09:05 AM..
This was sent to me by a friend. I don't think it's been posted before.
That you wake up one day with a waist nearly the size of your hip measurement;
That those cute dimples that appear when you smile leave a permanent dent;
That your dreams of running like you used to turn into dreams of walking like you used to;
That suddenly you seem to have another chin and oh my goodness are they jowls!
That the time has come to embrace comfort- in with elastic at the waist, out with any heels above 2 inches;
That your foundation, on the rare occasions you wear it,needs to be geared towards coverage and evening out skin tone;
That even with many years of robust skin care regimes you will have lines and wrinkles, of unknown origin, and not at all related to laughter lines;
That the trendy texting you used to do is like Latin to next generation texters.
That you discover your bottomless pit of patient and tolerance does in fact have a defined depth;
That looking back with nostalgia gives you more joy than looking forward with hope;
That losing one and then both of your parents is a grief so deep it changes you and that, even in death ,you seek their love and approval because you know they still walk by your side.
But....
You understand through experience that the sun rises even after the darkest night and sets on the darkest day;
You have evidence based opinions backed by life ;
You can work that comfort chic; go girl!
You can laugh at yourself without embarrassment; and don’t care about the lines your laughter makes;
That you can love the skin you are in and it’s worth continuing to care about it and yourself;
You have friendships that have lasted as many as 5 decades , so far;
You can still write a good letter and know the joy of receiving one;
That Facebook, messenger, Skype and Zoom are a lifeline but not a place to live your life;
Some days, most days even, you don’t wear make up and the postman/ delivery man still smiles at you;
Garden centres become your retail therapy and who knew they sold all that other lovely stuff as well!
You see joy in the little things, like a new flower, a bird singing, the first journey from their nest of the baby blackbirds; the little hug from your partner that lets you know you matter;
Which gives hope for the future but in a more measured way; you learn that a good life is not about the grand gestures but the small everyday kindnesses and you appreciate each and every one of them.
You know life is precious, time passes more quickly that you ever believed possible, so you find moments to just be still, and listen to nature’s conversations.
You learn that anger is negative energy that saps your soul so you pick your battles more wisely with the right words at the right moment.
You are more thankful for each moment and each day.
Most of all, as I saw recently you realise the truth that “ you are given this life because you are strong enough to live it”. You are and you will.
So, head up, shoulders back, smile and embrace the day.
A couple married for 40 years. The husband drives over an hour each day for his 12 hour shift. The sweet wife does what she can for her dedicated man.
On his way home one day he hits terrible traffic. Takes him 2 hours to get home after a particular tough shift. All he wants is a beer and his chair.
He walks in the door and something seems different. He looks around and sees candles lit and a sweet aroma about the humble home. The lights are dimmed, and romantic music floats through the air. Rose petals lead his way from the front entry to the bedroom.
Once in the bedroom he squints to make out a bed with silk sheets, fluffed pillows, full wine glasses. One the bed he sees his loving wife. She's dressed in a see through nighty, crotch-less fishnet stockings, red lipstick. Her legs are slightly spread and she smiles at him, saying "My love, how would you like some of this."
He looks for a second and says "I'm sorry but hell no. Look what that did to you drawers".
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