Official Joke & Humor Thread - Part Deux [MERGED] (zip code, West Virginia, cost)

[farm108]

In communism I was always told as a kid to turn off the light when I leave my room or any other room in the house. I would go to the bathroom but before I left my room I had to turn off the light. Then after coming back into my room I would turn on the light again. And so on. To save energy, and money. Everyone did this.

There were multiple jokes about this particular issue, people used humor to cope with hard times. Anyway there were these sayings:"The last one has to turn off the light" or "Don't forget to turn off the light when you leave!" It was used in various funny circumstances.

For instance, when people traveled outside the country (on rare occasions) for work, to a different Eastern European country. We knew that some of them would never come back. In fact they will try to cross the border illegally into a Western European country, ask for asylum and then live in freedom. I knew someone who had to swim across a river (during the night) to accomplish this, he's in the US now, a carpenter but has a BS in Engineering).

The joke was, the final person escaping from communism to freedom...just had to remember to do one thing, and one thing only, but very important! To turn off the light!

[Mike from back east]

For those who don’t want Alexa or Siri listening to their conversations, they're making a male version -- it doesn’t listen at all.

[SFX]

A blast from the past

Originally Posted by motormaker

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!

The husband, typically nonromantic, texted this reply: I am on the commode. Please advise.

[PAhippo]

Originally Posted by LilyLady

How to clean the toilet


This is simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you.


1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.


2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.


3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.
(Note: You may need to stand on the lid)


4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet - the cat is actually enjoying this.


5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash and rinse'.


6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.


7. Stand beside or behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.


8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.


9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean...


Yours sincerely,

The Dog

love that too much to not repeat it.

[Gerania]

Originally Posted by PAhippo

love that too much to not repeat it.

Thank you because I missed it the first time.

[1973PINTO]

When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn't even know.
When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.
Then a man approached me and said, 'Enjoy life son, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn't enjoy it.'
Then he passed his hand over my head and left.
My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person.
When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me!
I was so traumatized I couldn't sleep properly.
I had terrible nightmares. I was terrified of being alone.
I couldn't sleep without a night light for many years.
I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years.
It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear.
Years later, I discovered something incredible that changed my life.

The dead man had a twin.

[PAhippo]

Treat your passwords like underwear: never share them with anyone and change them regularly.




&&&&&&&&&&&&
I may not have been my mother's favorite child but I was the 1st one she thought of when the police showed up.


&&&&&&&&&


Another snowstorm coming. Going to the store for essentials: cat food, ice cream and wine.






&&&&&&


I think too many people have been drinking from the fountain of stupid.

[1973PINTO]

Brother John entered the "Monastery of Silence" and the Abbott said,
"Brother, this is a silent monastery; you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Brother John lived in the monastery for five years before the Abbott said to him, "Brother John, you have been here five years now; you may speak two words."
Brother John said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Abbot said. "We will get you a better bed."
After another five years, Brother John was called by the Abbott. "You may say another two words, Brother John."
"Cold food," said Brother John, and the Abbott assured him that the food would be better in the future.
On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Abbott again call Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today."
"I quit," said Brother John.
"It is probably best, you've done nothing but complain since you got here."

[motormaker]

A wife's eulogy at her husband's funeral:

“Norman needed a blood transfusion, but his blood type was not on record, so the doctors asked me if I knew what it was.

They urgently needed to know, to save Norman's life.

Tragically, I had never known his blood type, so

I only had time to sit and say goodbye.

I'll never forget how supportive my Norman was. Even as he was fading away, he kept on whispering to me,

Spoiler

“Be positive, be positive!"
That was my Norman! Always thinking of others."

[1973PINTO]

So a guys walking down the road with a real long stick.

I stopped and asked him, “Are you a Pole Vaulter?”

He responded with “No, I’m German, but how did you know my name was Walter?”