Official Joke & Humor Thread - Part Deux [MERGED]

[PAhippo]

Everyone knows how to raise children except those who have them.
*****


All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.


****


I like long walks especially when they're taken by those who annoy me.

[1973PINTO]

This rooster wakes up early Easter Sunday morning. He sticks his head out of the chicken coop, and sees all these multicolored eggs all over the barnyard. He takes a look at the eggs, takes a look at the hens, takes another look at the eggs, takes one more look at the hens, he thinks about it for a minute, then he walks across the barnyard and kicks the crap out of the peacock.

[moguldreamer]

Do you know the first French Fry wasn't actually cooked in France?


It was cooked in Greece.

[PAhippo]

With all the craziness in Washington I'm surprised April 1st isn't a federal holiday.

[moguldreamer]

An 18 year old high school girl suspects she is pregnant, and confirms this with an over the counter pregnancy test. Scared and mortified, she tells her mother and father. Her mother is outraged and says they must talk to the boy who did this to the daughter. The daughter picks up her phone makes a call, speaks for a bit, hangs up and tells her mother he's on his way.

Later that afternoon, a Ferrari pulls up in front of the house, and out steps a well-dressed man who is quite distinguished-looking, with a bit of gray hair. He rings the door bell, and is invited inside.

"Your daughter has informed me of the predicament, and don't worry - I'll take full financial responsibly. If the baby is born a girl, I'll set up a trust fund with $10 Million in it to pay for all her childhood expenses and her future education and to establish her in whatever career she chooses. If the baby is born a boy, I'll set up a trust fund with $10 Million to pay for all childhood epenses and future education, and he can if he so chooses, come work for one of my companies as an adult."

"And, of course, I'll set up a trust fund with $10 million for your daughter's future as well. But this raises a question. If your daughter miscarries and no child is born, what do you suggest I do?"

The girl's father, who had been quiet up until that point, replied, "Well, you try again."

[moguldreamer]

To stop Canadian bacon from curling in your frying pan, you should definitely take away their little brooms.

[moguldreamer]

I've often wondered if songbirds get mad at hummingbirds for not knowing the words.

[Bayarea4]

The cashier told me "Strip down facing me".
By the time I realized they meant the debit card, it was too late.

[2goldens]

My landlord wants to talk to me about my high heating bills,
I told him my door is always open.

Fruit farmers eat what they can,
and can what they can't.

Taking steps to overcome my hiking addiction,
I'm not out of the woods yet.

I bought a fake Koi fish, it's my DeKoi.
(Every time you see a Koi fish, you're gonna be thinking "Is this Koi real?"

Great Hide And Seek players are really hard to find.

Laughing Out Loud is forbidden in Hawaii because it's a Low Ha State.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

I think my wife is putting glue on my firearms. She denies it,
but I'm sticking to my guns.

I left Adderall inside my Ford Fiesta, now I have a Ford Focus.

Man in boxers leads Police in brief chase.

I got booted from the Coffee Club because I wore a Tea shirt.

Boarding school taught me how to get on an airplane.

Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.

To make a long story short, I became an Editor.

Swarms of flying insects threatened town! Police deploy the SWAT Team!

When the Dentist married the Manicurist, They fought tooth and nail.

My wife told me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can't read anything.

I made a chicken salad last night. Apparently they prefer grain.

My Therapist said I have trouble expressing emotion., can't say I'm surprised.

Woman's Roofing EXPO this weekend. All the Shingle Ladies will be there!

The Doctor says I have high nitrates so I'm switching to day rates.

What do you call a BOOMERANG that doesn't return? A stick.

Larve was a great band before The Beatles emerged.

James Bond sports grey hair in his latest film "No Time To Dye"

Ants never get sick because they have little anty bodies.

I was in a band called The Hinges. We opened for The Doors.

To spell the word Panda, you just need a P and A.

Do race horses slow down when they see Police Horses?

It wouldn't have been Wright if Ford invented the airplane.

Please cancel my subscription to your issues.

My neighbor couldn't afford his water bill so I got him a get well soon card.

If you wear a sweater and you sweat, are you the sweater?

[PAhippo]

I finally realized what's wrong with my brain: on the left side there's nothing right and on the right side there's nothing left.