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Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."
Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal, Suki, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 85 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and the way it works is to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
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A Golden Oldie (not sure if this has been posted before)
A young guy from West Virginia moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in West Virginia ."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!?
Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here.
We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida.
One sale a day might have been acceptable in West Virginia, but you're not in the mines anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day.
He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said,
'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,454 posts, read 25,987,852 times
Reputation: 59813
To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors instead of illegals in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.
Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home.
Be sure to send this notice to your relatives and friends so they'll know what happened to you.
I started to cry when I thought of you. Then it dawned on me … I'll see you on the bus!!!
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,454 posts, read 25,987,852 times
Reputation: 59813
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night they all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I'm impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They're all grounded.
My 4 moods: I need coffee, I need a nap, I need a vacation, and I need duct tape, a rope and a shovel.
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Getting over body issues is like getting over fear of heights. The trick is to not look down.
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If the potholes around here were any bigger they'd have their own zip codes
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