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Most of my jokes would be considered "offensive" but this is about as light a joke I have:
What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market?
"Good morning ladies!"
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight..
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.
So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.
This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The senior reaches into his pocket,hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
I know we make fun of blondes, but we know they are all a wonderful, and beautiful creation of God, and they are not as empty-headed as the jokes suggest.
A young blonde was out shopping for Alligator Shoes, but after becoming very frustrated with the high prices of such shoes, and the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?' The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and she hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back. Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration.....
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of
left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to
visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.
He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the
ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the
couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was
wondering if either one of you wanted that ability." Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great!
When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I
could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who
you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please........." On
and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).
Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that
if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort
of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam
were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.
And so it was. And it was...well, good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts.
I bet I could quit gambling.
What if there were no hypothetical situations?
It's not my fault I don't take responsibility for my actions.
As I said before, I’ll only say this once.
This statement is false.
Don't you hate rhetorical questions?
God, I want patience, and I WANT IT NOW!
Sorry, I forgot all about the Amnesia Conference!
The creation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
I can resist everything except temptation.
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
Never believe generalisations.
Avoid alliterations always.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
Thank God I'm an atheist.
Just say NO to negativity.
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Leftovers...LOL
The Outhouse
