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From what posters are saying though, "pit" parties are out "in the middle of nowhere"; the OP described them as "held in an out-of-way location (such as a gravel pit) to evade detection". The bonfire parties my son and his friends have here are in someone's private yard. I think without any kind of parental supervision, a "pit" party could get wildly out of control.
Could be regional. We called them bonfires regardless of where they are located---backyards or middle of nowhere.
The ones I attended were rather boring, definitely not out of control. I'm sure it depends on the teens attending.
That's why KNOWING is important---you can help the children judge better things like the type of participants, etc.
This is a difficult question for me. I grew up in a different country where alcohol use was more accepted, in our own house now we drink a glass of wine after dinner nightly. I attended tons of "bush parties" as a teenager and was quite responsible.
The truth is that in just a year or two your 16yr old will be at college or living on their own and attending these parties and will need to know how to handle themselves. Looking back on college, the kids who were never allowed to do anything were the ones that the more experienced of us were carrying home drunk. There is something to be said for observing negative behaviour within the safety of still living at home.
HOWEVER. The legal consequences of a party like this could be dire and I would have to know more about them before allowing my child to attend something like this. Attend with the understanding that drinking for them, is NOT allowed.
From what posters are saying though, "pit" parties are out "in the middle of nowhere"; the OP described them as "held in an out-of-way location (such as a gravel pit) to evade detection". The bonfire parties my son and his friends have here are in someone's private yard. I think without any kind of parental supervision, a "pit" party could get wildly out of control.
Perhaps, but she also said that the party was not that far from their house and they could easily walk there. I'm not sure if that really changes my opinion of letting my kid go, but I think it would make someone sitting on the fence have something else to consider.
The truth is that in just a year or two your 16yr old will be at college or living on their own and attending these parties and will need to know how to handle themselves. Looking back on college, the kids who were never allowed to do anything were the ones that the more experienced of us were carrying home drunk. There is something to be said for observing negative behaviour within the safety of still living at home.
Interesting point. I always found the kids who were most sheltered and prevented from a little teen rebellion were the ones who went off the deep end when it came time for college. Chances are the dorm alcoholic never had a beer before college. Chances are the dorm **** came to college a virgin. Chances are the dorm pot head never smoked a joint before college.
Not that it's a universal, but allowing your kids a little freedom to explore when you have the ability to intercede and provide guidance, is much better than hoping someone at the frat house cares enough to roll them on their side when they're passed out drunk.
The truth is that in just a year or two your 16yr old will be at college or living on their own and attending these parties and will need to know how to handle themselves. Looking back on college, the kids who were never allowed to do anything were the ones that the more experienced of us were carrying home drunk. There is something to be said for observing negative behaviour within the safety of still living at home.
I totally agree. Teens who are the most sheltered often end up making terrible decisions as young adults when they get freedom.
1. I wouldn't *let* my 16 year old go to any unsupervised party.
2. I wouldn't *let* my 16 year old go to any event where teenagers would gather to consume alcohol.
I wouldn't *let* anyone under the legal drinking age go to any party where I know, or are led to believe, alcohol will be made available to said child.
Well said. But to add...I think we can assume most parties, for this age group and up, will have, to some degree, this element (drugs / alcohol).
When I was in that age group, my parents would have said no so I never asked. Basically I just lied about my whereabouts. This was before cell phones and GPS. I did know basic right from wrong (Thanks Mom and Dad) but I also was no saint. The good news is that I was able to control my behavior and whatever "experimentation" I engaged in did not keep me from moving on in life and acheiving success and lucky enough not to get into any real trouble.
In retrospect, and now being the father of a young girl, I see just how risky and dangerous life can be. But just as Anon uses *let*, we know we only have so much control. You just have to trust your children will make good decisions in general. Awareness is good for all concerned. I have a friend who consulted me about raves. They had no idea what went on. They do now. That being said, I would not say yes or condone the party but would not be surprised if my daughter tried to get to one of these anyway.
I can hear me now..."My house. My rules!" Darn it...I have become my father.
I can't argue with your points, because they are very valid. I can only express my feelings on it from my perspective. Assuming that my kids were otherwise model citizens and met all of our expectations with school, chores and behavior, I would hard pressed to give them a flat out no to attending a party they wanted to go to.
The reality is that they hardly needed to ask my permission to go as it would be very easy to lie and go anyway. I know the risks perfectly well as I took many of these risks as a teen, generally without my parents knowledge or permission.
However, again, if it is something they really want to do and I have no issue not to trust them, I don't see the point in keeping them from going. You essentially send them out into the world daily only armed with the knowledge and guidance that you've given them and they deal with multiple perils daily. Drinking, drugs, sex, fighting, rape, etc. aren't things that only happen at "pit" parties. I would also expect that if my kids want to go that it's becasue the party is something their friends are attending as well.
While it is true that some things are blatantly stupid, texting and driving for instance, attending a party is pretty routine. I think most people are getting the mental image of "Lord of the Flies" with a bunch of half-naked alcohol and drug fueled teens debauching themselves in the woods. While that may happen, if I know my kid well enough to let them go, this isn't the kind of thing they would be into. Chances are it's just a bunch of friends hanging out around a fire listening to music, maybe drinking some beers and passing some joints, maybe some people will have sex. These aren't things that I need to shield my child from as they have the ability to do any of that at anytime unbeknownst to me.
I know they don't need to ask as they could sneak off and do the same but let's go with the situation OP described.
Given that we are having an open dialogue with the teen I would ask them why they were so interested in going if they weren't going to be drinking, (or smoking pot or having sex). THE POINT of the party is to engage in illegal activity and 'because my friends are going' isn't sound justification. That's extremely WEAK justification and, IMO, points to a correlating weakness in character that would make me question if my trust in their judgment was undeserved.
Given they are 'model citizens' I don't see a pit party as something they would be interested in participating in....it would certainly jeopardize their standing in that regard.
The conversation wouldn't be as much about granting permission as sorting out reasoning and determining the value vs. risk and what would make them think there was something a party of this sort had to offer.
Also, knowing they face challenges each day and trusting/hoping in their ability them to face them is different than knowingly sending them into a situation designed to allow teens to engage in illegal/risky activities.
If a teen attends a bonfire with a parent's knowledge, the teen is more likely to call the parent for help if something goes wrong.
If a teen attends a bonfire without a parent's knowledge, the teen is less likely to call parents for help, which increases the possible risks.
True. And also being overprotective can backfire. But it seems most parents err to the over rather than the under protective. After all, that's our job, isn't it? Still, when reviewing the initial poll questions, I felt compelled to respond in the absolute most conservative manner even though I agree about being too restrictive. The question of what is "Too much" is not absolute and therefore, probably the real issue here.
I know they don't need to ask as they could sneak off and do the same but let's go with the situation OP described.
Given that we are having an open dialogue with the teen I would ask them why they were so interested in going if they weren't going to be drinking, (or smoking pot or having sex). THE POINT of the party is to engage in illegal activity and 'because my friends are going' isn't sound justification. That's extremely WEAK justification and, IMO, points to a correlating weakness in character that would make me question if my trust in their judgment was undeserved.
Given they are 'model citizens' I don't see a pit party as something they would be interested in participating in....it would certainly jeopardize their standing in that regard.
The conversation wouldn't be as much about granting permission as sorting out reasoning and determining the value vs. risk and what would make them think there was something a party of this sort had to offer.
Also, knowing they face challenges each day and trusting/hoping in their ability them to face them is different than knowingly sending them into a situation designed to allow teens to engage in illegal/risky activities.
I take exception to the statement that the point of the party is to engage in illegal activity. The point of the party, or at least anyone I've ever been to is to socialize. Yes, alcohol and drugs can be an element of that party, but I sincerely feel that there are very few people who go solely with the intent to get wasted. I'm sure it happens, but I think the main theme is socialization. In that aspect letting them go to the party to socialize shouldn't be an issue. When it comes to the other factors; drugs, alcohol, sex, that is up to the teen to decide for themselves and they hardly need to be at a party to engage in those activities.
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