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Think that at that age, reading an age appropriate book about "Bullies", I am sure that there are many. And discuss bullying in general, as part of the book.
Often, reading is a way to bring up subjects, recently I read a book about date rape, and sent it to my daughter...we talked about the book the other day...our opinion of the situations, and my son joined the conversation from his perspective, which was very interesting...
Eh? No, I'm saying I'd believe that "Most kids bully another kid verbally/emotionally at some point in their lives" before I'd believe "Most kids bully another kid physically at some point in their lives". The latter infers (even by definition of the word "bully") a matter of one kid being more powerful than the other. So it'd be harder for most kids to do this physically, on a regular basis at that, than it would for them to just simply be mean with their words.
Heck, your child doesn't even have to actually say anything to another child to bully them. All they've got to do is be a part of a crowd that looks at another kid, puts their heads together and whispers, then giggles and looks back at the kid that they're making fun of. Some people don't consider that bullying. Me? Yeah, I consider that bullying. It's quite often overlooked, but it's still a crowd, singling out and intimidating another person. It's important to start your little one out, right from the get go, understanding that you do not ever do to someone..something you wouldn't want done to you.
Heck, your child doesn't even have to actually say anything to another child to bully them. All they've got to do is be a part of a crowd that looks at another kid, puts their heads together and whispers, then giggles and looks back at the kid that they're making fun of. Some people don't consider that bullying. Me? Yeah, I consider that bullying. It's quite often overlooked, but it's still a crowd, singling out and intimidating another person. It's important to start your little one out, right from the get go, understanding that you do not ever do to someone..something you wouldn't want done to you.
Girls of a certain age are notorious for this sort of relational bullying.
Heck, your child doesn't even have to actually say anything to another child to bully them. All they've got to do is be a part of a crowd that looks at another kid, puts their heads together and whispers, then giggles and looks back at the kid that they're making fun of. Some people don't consider that bullying. Me? Yeah, I consider that bullying. It's quite often overlooked, but it's still a crowd, singling out and intimidating another person. It's important to start your little one out, right from the get go, understanding that you do not ever do to someone..something you wouldn't want done to you.
Yeah, I would call that bullying, if you do it regularly. In general, I agree; you should teach your kid not to be cruel in ANY way. It hurts everyone, including yourself. I plan on teaching my kid about how hostility is a cause of heart problems before he starts school. Just in case empathy isn't enough
Girls of a certain age are notorious for this sort of relational bullying.
It has become a real problem in some schools.
Yes they are. Of course, some of those boys can be just as bad. Boys though, used to be more physical about it, as in "accidentally" bumping into another boy, knocking him into a crowd of people or a locker. With the zero tolerance policy though, it's gotten to where the boys are getting as bad with their mouths as the girls ...pushing the "picked on" ones beyond their tolerance level, until they snap and get physical. Of course, the snake/bully walks away grinning, while the one who lashed out gets expelled.
My philosophy on bullying is tied to the belief that we can never "legislate" against bullying. Meaning, there will always be bullying and bullies, just look at all of recorded human history for proof. So, with that in mind, the best way is to "bully proof" yourself, which basically comes down to self-confidence that is built on the foundation of empathy and being empowered to defend yourself.
Now, how to teach that is the tricky part and I agree with the posts of dr74(?) in that it generally revolves around discovering teaching moments and using them to help your child better frame their response, or to analyze their actions and what they could have done better. I find a lot of times, it is often more productive to sit back and watch how your child reacts to situations on their own.
If one of my kids is on the playground and gets into an argument with another kid, I don't run right in and "save" them, I sit back and see what they do. I find that many times, they are perfectly capable of working the issue out on their own by the time they are around 3. At younger ages, I would "coach" them though the situation, hopefully with the other parent doing the same. This helps start empowering them to deal with the situations on their own.
The only time I really intervene directly is when my kid is the one that is obviously being the bully. At that moment I am reminding them of expected behavior and what is acceptable. One time my son was excluding another boy from a game on the playground, because the kid was "too slow". I reminded him that everyone is good at different things and that there are things that boy is probably better at than the other kids. Just being slow, doesn't mean he shouldn't be allowed to play and how would my son feel if he was the slowest? We're starting to build empathy, which is what keeps us from bullying others.
So, as the lessons build on each other in these little "teaching moments" we are forging self-confidence which results in your child being "bully proof". They will have empathy to deal with both their bullies and help to remind them not to engage in bullying themselves. At the same time, they are being empowered to be able to defend themselves (both physically and verbally) and resolve situations on their own without adults needing to intervene. The end result is a self-confident person who feels neither the need to bully nor is susceptible to bullying.
I think where "modern" parenting is letting down our kids in the realm of bullying is the "tattle" culture that we are insisting upon. If John hits you, you need to tell the teacher. If John looks at you funny, you need to tell the teacher. If John says you smell, you need to tell the teacher. You can replace "teacher" with any other adult present. We aren't letting our kids resolve conflicts on their own. Most play is highly regulated and adults are omnipresent. The schools aren't helping either with "zero tolerance" policies and constantly drumming it into kids heads that they shouldn't fight back, even to defend themselves, to which I say, BS. I've shaken my head at more than one parent who swoops in to resolve their childs conflicts on a regular basis, never letting them figure it out for themselves. These parents are the ones most often complaining about "pervasive bullying" and that their child is just "sensitive".
I agree with the cause portion of this post in its entirety.
Wasn't that long ago that kids ran around together without adults all the time. The peer group itself taught children that when they are mean or bully they are left out next time everyone is going out. Now it isnt until children are much older that they are unsupervised socially.
Unfortunately that means they are much smarter but less emotionally mature. I think that is why we see such vicious emotional and relational bullying in high school now. It is not really a case of just "chin up" because it is a never ending wave of humiliation for some kids. Ryan Halligan springs to mind.
My philosophy on bullying is tied to the belief that we can never "legislate" against bullying. Meaning, there will always be bullying and bullies, just look at all of recorded human history for proof. So, with that in mind, the best way is to "bully proof" yourself, which basically comes down to self-confidence that is built on the foundation of empathy and being empowered to defend yourself.
Now, how to teach that is the tricky part and I agree with the posts of dr74(?) in that it generally revolves around discovering teaching moments and using them to help your child better frame their response, or to analyze their actions and what they could have done better. I find a lot of times, it is often more productive to sit back and watch how your child reacts to situations on their own.
If one of my kids is on the playground and gets into an argument with another kid, I don't run right in and "save" them, I sit back and see what they do. I find that many times, they are perfectly capable of working the issue out on their own by the time they are around 3. At younger ages, I would "coach" them though the situation, hopefully with the other parent doing the same. This helps start empowering them to deal with the situations on their own.
The only time I really intervene directly is when my kid is the one that is obviously being the bully. At that moment I am reminding them of expected behavior and what is acceptable. One time my son was excluding another boy from a game on the playground, because the kid was "too slow". I reminded him that everyone is good at different things and that there are things that boy is probably better at than the other kids. Just being slow, doesn't mean he shouldn't be allowed to play and how would my son feel if he was the slowest? We're starting to build empathy, which is what keeps us from bullying others.
So, as the lessons build on each other in these little "teaching moments" we are forging self-confidence which results in your child being "bully proof". They will have empathy to deal with both their bullies and help to remind them not to engage in bullying themselves. At the same time, they are being empowered to be able to defend themselves (both physically and verbally) and resolve situations on their own without adults needing to intervene. The end result is a self-confident person who feels neither the need to bully nor is susceptible to bullying.
I think where "modern" parenting is letting down our kids in the realm of bullying is the "tattle" culture that we are insisting upon. If John hits you, you need to tell the teacher. If John looks at you funny, you need to tell the teacher. If John says you smell, you need to tell the teacher. You can replace "teacher" with any other adult present. We aren't letting our kids resolve conflicts on their own. Most play is highly regulated and adults are omnipresent. The schools aren't helping either with "zero tolerance" policies and constantly drumming it into kids heads that they shouldn't fight back, even to defend themselves, to which I say, BS. I've shaken my head at more than one parent who swoops in to resolve their childs conflicts on a regular basis, never letting them figure it out for themselves. These parents are the ones most often complaining about "pervasive bullying" and that their child is just "sensitive".
Yes. Any little bit of teasing and normal banter between kids can be made into some big deal and when you do that the kids will take it to another level.
Just like the boys who might slug one another almost as a way to just introduce themselves can now get in trouble for it, be suspended from school. It forces kids to "challenge" the authority by becoming more emotionally abusive.
The schools here have a big anti-bullying campaign which has become weird. It's one thing if they try to reach out to the lonely emotionally and physically abused kids and do something about the abusers but it's way beyond that.
My son came home from 9th grade telling me that a lot of kids were crying that day. I asked why they were crying and he said that it has to do with the anti-bully stuff the school was doing. The teachers had divided the kids into groups of 4 or 5 to a table and the kids had to discuss their problems.
And he said many of the teachers were crying. Kids were discussing all the bad things at home, bad things at school, bad things on the news, things that made them sad, things that were said that hurt their feelings but the main focus seemed to be to get them to come out with their problems. Boys and girls and teachers were crying he said. I asked him what his group cried about and he said that his group was one of the only groups that didn't cry, he said they just sat there. I asked him what problems he talked about and he said none, I asked why not and he said he didn't have problems. I brought up some things that could be problems and he said they aren't problems, they are just the way it is.
I just wonder how healthy trying to get kids to dwell on problems and hurt feelings really is. And too bad the school doesn't focus on a little more academics because the low test scores should be seen a problems also.
I just wonder how healthy trying to get kids to dwell on problems and hurt feelings really is. And too bad the school doesn't focus on a little more academics because the low test scores should be seen a problems also.[/quote]
I agree and applaud you for doing a great job parenting. The teachers should be the one aware and only draw it to the attention of the kids when it actually happens. In this day and age we are teaching kids the wrong kind of behavior is getting the attention look at reality TV-different tangent. It is up to us as parents to guide our children and not hold them responsible until they are 18 for many of these worries. This does not mean let them go loose but guide them through and be there when they do fall and make mistakes and let them know that is ok and put it in the past because everyone makes them. The parents that are concerned about bullying usually do not have to worry about raising a bully it is the parents that do not have an active part in their kids life that will have those problems. What comes around goes around and when the children bully at a young age they will get a bully bigger than them later on in life and will not know what to do is my philosophy which maybe wrong but who knows. Just going by the kite strings of life with this one and the wind my blow a different way tomorrow.
...I just wonder how healthy trying to get kids to dwell on problems and hurt feelings really is. And too bad the school doesn't focus on a little more academics because the low test scores should be seen a problems also.
It would depend on how long and how often they do this, as well as if there's any closure. Any opportunity to transition back into a positive frame of mind. But I don't doubt the school sees these problems as a hindrance to the students' schoolwork.
I've always felt that maybe students should learn Psychology and/or Sociology sooner, that it should at least be an elective. Maybe I'm just biased, Majoring in Psychology myself. But I really think it'd help people more in the long run than some of what they teach (No, I'm not going to specify and derail my beautiful thread!)
It would depend on how long and how often they do this, as well as if there's any closure. Any opportunity to transition back into a positive frame of mind. But I don't doubt the school sees these problems as a hindrance to the students' schoolwork.
I've always felt that maybe students should learn Psychology and/or Sociology sooner, that it should at least be an elective. Maybe I'm just biased, Majoring in Psychology myself. But I really think it'd help people more in the long run than some of what they teach (No, I'm not going to specify and derail my beautiful thread!)
I agree! Just look at how many young people enter college, take Soc & Psych and all of a sudden Get IT! Come on, it's not like this isn't something that they're not going to need in life. Why not give it to them a little sooner?
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It's important to start your little one out, right from the get go, understanding that you do not ever do to someone..something you wouldn't want done to you.
