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In short, I'm 25 and have yet to tell my parents that I'm gay. I'm really not ready to share this part of myself with them right now, but I don't know when I'll ever be so I might as well just get it out.
I thought they might have figured it out by now. I've only had one girlfriend, and that lasted less than a month, I was quite effeminate as a child and teased mercilessly because of it, and at the age of 13 I was caught looking at gay porn on the family computer twice.
When my mom found out she started hyper-ventilating and screaming the most wretched scream I have ever heard. She ran down stairs, jumped in bed and started crying. I felt horrible. My mom's reaction to that event is a big part of why I'm very apprehensive to tell them I'm gay--I don't want to disappoint my mom.
Anyway, I butched up in highschool and started talking about girls so perhaps this is why they're confused and are holding out hope that I like girls. I tried so hard to convince myself. I wanted nothing more than to be a normal, red blooded, straight male, but gave up on that idea years ago.
Now, whenever I talk to my grandmother she tells me that she and my mom are praying that I find a nice girl to settle down with. This makes me feel horrible for two reasons. One, because I know this will never happen and goes against every part of who I am and two because they're wishing... praying I be someone I'm not. In other words, I'm not good enough/worthy enough as I am. It makes me feel like complete garbage.
To make matters worse, I'm an only child so if I don't have kids that's the end of the line.
I know that no parent wants to hear that their child is gay but I can't go on living like this. It KILLS me to have to lie to them.
If you were to find out your kid was gay how would you prefer to hear the news? Face to face? Through a letter? A phone call? My mom is older now and based on her reaction to the porn I want to minimize any adverse reaction she might have.
This is so scary. But almost every 25 year-old and younger gay guy I talk to is already out to their parents so I keep asking myself why I haven't done it yet. I don't know what's going to happen but I can only hope for the best.
Hugs for you. As a parent of an only child I would be more devastated to learn my son was feeling so much anguish on telling me that he is gay vs the fact that he is. I think every parent knows. Some want to not believe it and some wait for the day to be informed. I am sorry your mother had such a strong reaction to finding you looking at gay porn. I can't imagine how terrible you must have felt. Honestly though, I have known mothers to lose their sheet even if their son's are caught looking at straight porn.
My good friend is gay and I asked him once how he told his family and when. He said he was 25. He was at the point where everyone kept asking when he was going to settle down and find a girl, blah blah. He finally told his mother and she admitted she always knew but was waiting for him to tell her. She was completely accepting. His father not so much. My friend said it pained him to feel the distance from his father after that, but he had to be true to himself. You were born this way. This is who you are.
You need to find the way that is best for you. Write a letter if that is the better way or is there another family member you can confide in that will share the news softening the blow. Since your mother might be the freak out type, a letter might be the better route so she can spaz out and then have time to calm down. I hope it turns out far better than what you are expecting.
This is a tough situation. I agree with the idea of writing a letter. Hugs to you from me also, I can't imagine how you must be feeling. Good luck with this.
More hugs for you. I know exactly how you feel. I am an only child and also had to go through the ordeal of breaking the news to my mother. I probably didn't do it in the best of ways...just blurted it out one day while riding in the car. My mom was so hip and cool, plus she had gay friends so I didn't think it would be a big deal but it was. She had a really hard time - she cried, blamed herself, told me it was a phase...all of the things that parents will say as they try process this information. Just as you had to come to terms with your sexuality, your parents will have to come to terms with it as well. For whatever reason, having a gay child makes them think they've failed you in some way. I think a lot of it is based in fear...what will people say, will my child be gay bashed, everyone will ridicule them, they won't have a happy life without being able to get married and have children, and if you come from a religious family, they'll go to hell.
However, the reality is, you can have a happy life, get married, in some states, or have your own commitment ceremony, and you can definitely have children if that's what you want to do. I can't promise you won't get gay bashed or ridiculed - it comes with the territory sometimes. Also can't speak on if you'll go to hell or not but I have a hard time believing God really cares whom you choose to love as long as you give and share the love He gives to you. It baffles me that people think we choose to be gay. We can choose to not act on it, but the feelings will always be there.
Some parents never come around, but many do and even though they may not accept your "lifestyle" (I hate that term), they will accept you and continue to love you unconditionally.
Fast forward 18 years later, my mom and I continue to have a great relationship. She loves my partner and always tells me how proud she is of me. Now, I don't suspect she'll be marching in any gay pride parades, but I'm happy to know she loves me.
I've got a feeling your parents will be the same. After all...you're their only one! Just give them the time they need to process and come to accept your new life in baby steps. Respect their process and things will be fine.
Feel free to PM me if you just need someone to talk to and good luck.
If you were to find out your kid was gay how would you prefer to hear the news? Face to face? Through a letter? A phone call? My mom is older now and based on her reaction to the porn I want to minimize any adverse reaction she might have.
I'd want to hear it face to face. It would break my heart if my child were afraid to confide in me. True happiness is all I wish for my children.
Like fallingwater said, there are many mothers who would have had the same reaction to straight porn. Her reaction that time might not be an indication of how she'll react to the news.
But you're mostly trying to protect your own feelings, not your mother's. As a result, it's probably best to write a heart-felt letter. That way you won't be there to see the initial reaction. The downside is that you won't have the benefit of seeing a positive reaction if there is one.
I hope your parents find their way to accepting you for who you are. Good luck to you.
Most parents already know, I knew my son was gay for years, before he told me. It is right there in front of you, and you already know...but just sort of don't acknowledge it, until he is ready to discuss it. And life goes on.
I will tell you that there are more family dynamics after the "revel", but, it depends on your family. I won't go into what happened in our family, but everyone now, is settled down, and accepting.
To be honest, I think his older brother has more issues with his brother being gay, than either me or my ex. They don't get along very well, never have, and this has just added to that.
I was going to say write a letter, but Hopes is right, this is something that should be done face to face. So, my suggestion would be to write a letter and revise it a few times to make sure it's exactly what you want to say and how you want to say it and then read that letter to your parents.
I have a couple gay friends and all of them experienced a different coming out. Some tackled it early in life around 18 or so, others waited until they were in their late 30's had been married twice and had 3 kids. The one universal was that they simply felt they were living a lie hiding who they really were. When it really came down to it the reaction and possible rejection by their families was not nearly as bad as continuing to live a lie.
I'd like to say all of them had joyous coming outs, but that isn't the case. None of them were outright rejected by their immediate family, but some people certainly cut off contact with them and even then it took a long time for everyone to come to terms with the revelation.
Good luck and never be ashamed of who you are. If it goes as bad as you are imagining it might, remember that it's their job to love you unconditionally, not your job to fulfill all of their preconceived expectations for you.
Most parents already know, I knew my son was gay for years, before he told me. It is right there in front of you, and you already know...but just sort of don't acknowledge it, until he is ready to discuss it. And life goes on.
I couldn't see myself doing that. If I "knew" that my child was gay but too uncomfortable to tell me, I wouldn't ignore it by not acknowledging it. I would approach my child to break the ice so he/she would know there's no reason to be afraid to discuss it with me.
Good luck and never be ashamed of who you are. If it goes as bad as you are imagining it might, remember that it's their job to love you unconditionally, not your job to fulfill all of their preconceived expectations for you.
This, exactly. Never be ashamed of who you are. Obviously, you know that this isn't a choice you made. You sound like an intelligent, level-headed, considerate person. I'd be proud to be your mother.
I think that whatever her reaction, you will get relief from being honest. You'll no longer have to worry about what may happen, you'll no longer have to imagine things worse than they probably will be. If coming out doesn't go entirely smoothly, it will be easier to deal with the resulting emotions from that and ultimately get past it than it is to worry about the whole situation.
As other posters have said, the shock over the porn was likely largely due to the fact that it was porn in general. There are definitely a lot of mothers who are horrified when they see their son looking at porn (not me, but I know many). She was probably just really surprised, and since then, she's had plenty of time to remember that event and realize that you are gay. Even if she hasn't admitted it to herself yet, she probably won't be shocked and go crazy when she finds out.
As for how to tell her, I'd honestly go with the letter. Sure, face-to-face is always a more direct way to approach it, but with the letter, what you'll see from her is her honest reaction, not her instant surprise. I think you'll feel better in the end if you go with the letter.
So many hugs to you. Let us know how it goes, if you feel like it. I am just so sorry that you're going through so much pain over this. Just remember that you're not garbage, you're not a disappointment. Stay true to who you are, don't be afraid, and whatever happens, it will be alright in the end.
My son told me very casually face to face. However, he knew that I am very tolerant and I had told him years before that if he was gay, I would be totally accepting. So, in a way, I prepared him for it instead of the other way around.
However, it sounds like your family is not very accepting, so maybe the letter would be best. I would hate for their reaction to be hysterical and you could never get that image out of your head.
Let them read it, reread it, pray over it and THEN discuss it in person.
BTW, as accepting as I am, I think the gay porn would have freaked me out a little too. Knowing my son is gay is one thing, but actually SEEING the very graphic images of what that means would be something else altogether.
Good luck with this. If they don't accept you, try to surround yourself with people who do love you for who you are. Life is to short to do otherwise.
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