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So yes, we could have dated for years and taken everything much slowly, but we didnt. Here we are. I feel that our decision to move faster is kind of irrelevant at this point. we are invested.
You just refuse to listen, don't you?
You really believe your decision to move faster is irrelevant, really? Really? REALLY????? Holy crap. That's why you're here.
Some people.... smack them in the face with logic and reality, and they just spit it right out.
You really believe your decision to move faster is irrelevant, really? Really? REALLY????? Holy crap. That's why you're here.
Some people.... smack them in the face with logic and reality, and they just spit it right out.
no, im not saying its irrelevant in terms of us now being in this situation, i mean we have already done this, so there is no going back
so in that sense, yes the fact we moved in so early is now irrelevant. If we could simply just move out and pretend we havent been living together then you would have a point. But we are here so what does dwelling on that do for me going forward?
So yes i recognize things went fast, how can i learn from that and apply going forward?
Okay, I criticized, so here's some suggestions too.
1) Figure out the naming issue. Your daughters should be the only ones who call you daddy. Can your gf's daughter call you Pops or some other name you come up with?
2) Along with 1, do not force your daughters to call the gf's daughter their sister. They're not. Your oldest is smart enough to realize it. Respect that.
3) Make sure you spend time alone with your daughters. All their time with you shouldn't also be spent with gf and her daughter.
4) Don't make your daughters share everything with gf's daughter. Your girls should have their own stuff, their own space/bedroom if possible. They need to feel like they are still an important part of your life, not that they've become something you shoehorn into your new arrangement.
5) Stand up for your girls when the gf or her daughter is being unreasonable, preferrably so your girls can see it so they know you're on their side and will go to bat for them when needed.
6) Every decision made should be considered in light of how it will effect your daughters. No, they don't have to be indulged at every turn, but, for example, going on vacation with gf and her daughter, without your daughters will cause more problems than it's worth. And it's not fair to your daughters.
I still advocate for your moving out. The lines are very clear then whose father you are, what your priorities are, where your daughters' place is, etc. I know you don't agree, so I won't mention it again.
You really believe your decision to move faster is irrelevant, really? Really? REALLY????? Holy crap. That's why you're here.
Some people.... smack them in the face with logic and reality, and they just spit it right out.
I think you're being harsh. I have witnessed examples of some awful parenting in some of these threads. This guy sounds like he wants to do the right thing and is thinking about things. He could use some advice, but he's not THAT bad.
Okay, I criticized, so here's some suggestions too.
1) Figure out the naming issue. Your daughters should be the only ones who call you daddy. Can your gf's daughter call you Pops or some other name you come up with?
2) Along with 1, do not force your daughters to call the gf's daughter their sister. They're not. Your oldest is smart enough to realize it. Respect that.
3) Make sure you spend time alone with your daughters. All their time with you shouldn't also be spent with gf and her daughter.
4) Don't make your daughters share everything with gf's daughter. Your girls should have their own stuff, their own space/bedroom if possible. They need to feel like they are still an important part of your life, not that they've become something you shoehorn into your new arrangement.
5) Stand up for your girls when the gf or her daughter is being unreasonable, preferrably so your girls can see it so they know you're on their side and will go to bat for them when needed.
6) Every decision made should be considered in light of how it will effect your daughters. No, they don't have to be indulged at every turn, but, for example, going on vacation with gf and her daughter, without your daughters will cause more problems than it's worth. And it's not fair to your daughters.
I still advocate for your moving out. The lines are very clear then whose father you are, what your priorities are, where your daughters' place is, etc. I know you don't agree, so I won't mention it again.
Thank you. These are helpful ideas i can use in my situation. I feel that what im trying to do is exactly that, show clearly whose father I am and am not, etc etc. I feel that can be done in this blended family scenario. I get where your coming from with moving out, and if unfortunately things dont work i will find myself there. However im not here because i think thats the case, i legitimately beleive we have something great here and i want to move forward on that
for each item you mentioned:
1) i agree and its my number 1 issue to work on right now. Im going to brainstorm ideas and then sit down with her mom first then her to come up with something and explain WHY we have to come up with a name besides daddy
2) already taken care of. Sometimes my gf's daughter would tell my oldest that my youngest is her sister and i did step in and clarify that wasnt the case, because her younger sister is one of the few things she still has in this new life and she cant lose that
3) im getting better at this one. I used to spend 100% of my time with the girls, and i admit i lost sight of alone time when we first moved in together in an effort to bring everyone close. now i realize the importance and have been taking them out to do things with just daddy a lot. I think its perfectly reasonable to take them out for a few hours atleast once during each stay, just my two girls. Could be a few hours or all day. Then i make it a point to do one meal out too, a chance to sit down over dinner or something. THis last week it was breakfast before drop off at school. Only issue is that my girlfriends daughter freaks out sometimes if her mom takes her to do something alone and she knows im doing something with my girls, but we just deal with it.
4) my girls have their own stuff. My girls share a room, her daughter has her own room. My girls shared a room at my previous place when i was a single dad and i wanted to keep that the same. Ive been very clear thats the intention until they are older and want their own room. I think my girlfriends daughter sometimes brings up the idea of sharing a room with my oldest but i have been clear with my GF that is just not to happen. my two girls have a dynamic that i dont want broken. All girls have some toys/animals, etc that they dont HAVE to share, etc.
5) this is something i should be better at. When the girls fight over calling me dad, sisters, etc... i want to rush to their side and stand up for them, but im cognisent of my gf's daughters feelings and dont want to be the bad guy... usually i do nothing... its hard. need to improve for sure
6) i understand
thanks again
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