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Which is why studies use large groups and controls.
Studies are needed here because emotions and strong personal beliefs blind us. It is human nature to think we are different. To think that what applies to our neighbor doesn't apply to us. We do studies to take the blinders off.
Yes, I tout out studies. IMO, they're a lot better than "Because I think so.".
I would definitely be interested to see the studies so I can look at the study design, including sample size, duration, definition of better/worse, and how they controlled for other factors.
The truth is some people are special. There are actual, real-life nuclear physicists and rocket scientists out there. And, believe it or not, many of them become grandparents. And if grandpa is a rocket scientist who wants to baby sit the grand kids a parent would be dumber than dirt to say, "No. I'll think I'll used the underpaid child care worker whose education I know nothing about."
There are also grandparents who are artists and writers and gourmet chefs and candle makers and story tellers and football coaches. Each of them have something unique to give to a grandchild. Sorry, but as long as I know those people exist I'm not going to be reading studies. A loving grandparent who raised great kids or a day care worker?
It's not punishing the MIL. Choosing one over the other pits one against the other.
Your suggestion only ramps up the animosity in the family. It pits mom against mother-in-law, which is actually what punishes the MIL. The child does not need to be in the middle of family tension, and your "solution" only makes things much much worse.
The quickest way to neutralize the situation is to remove themselves from it and see the grandparents socially. Get the kid a non-related babysitter and move on.
Figure out what's wrong with Mom anyway, regardless of the childcare situation.
I am stunned by the OP's post! I cannot even imagine your mother not only asking $50 a day for childcare, but to be with you? That's insane. Seriously, I never heard of such a thing, this is her grandchild. Well, I would not be giving my mother ANY time to watch my child if she acted like that. Then if she continues to ask how much she'll get when you want to spend time with her, I would make it very clear that you DO NOT want to ever hear her ask how much money you will pay her to spend time with her, or she will not be seeing any of you anytime soon. I would let my MIL watch her all during the week. I think if you split it up between them, you are only encouraging you mom to expect money from you. Wow, that would really upset me.
Time machine, since in previous posts you say your mom still wants to "spank" and "hit" you with wooden objects and other questionable parenting techniques and that your MIL has issues with your daughter's curly hair and "pig" nose, and they you can afford daycare, why are either of them taking care of your daughter? Is this totally a financial matter or are the previous posts unimportant?
If I had serious issues with my parent's child care attitude, and I do, I would never put another child in the same situation. Spending occasional time with grandparents is totally different from a daily exposure. They would be expected to discipline and use their own judgement during the day. If they caused you pain, what do you expect them to do now in the same situtaiton?
The truth is some people are special. There are actual, real-life nuclear physicists and rocket scientists out there. And, believe it or not, many of them become grandparents. And if grandpa is a rocket scientist who wants to baby sit the grand kids a parent would be dumber than dirt to say, "No. I'll think I'll used the underpaid child care worker whose education I know nothing about."
There are also grandparents who are artists and writers and gourmet chefs and candle makers and story tellers and football coaches. Each of them have something unique to give to a grandchild. Sorry, but as long as I know those people exist I'm not going to be reading studies. A loving grandparent who raised great kids or a day care worker?
No contest as far as I'm concerned.
That's right, SOME are special. However, most think they are.
Even I do this. I didn't think I did but I do. A study came out in the 90's about time spent with children that had the average number of hours in day care as 8 for preschool children and the average working couple spending just over 7 hours per day parenting (it was 24 minutes more for stay at home households). I was CERTAIN I beat the averages because of my flexible work arrangements. Nope. I ended up smack dab in the middle when I crunched the numbers. That was eye opening. I don't trust my instinct about where I fit anymore and I shouldn't. Without reason to believe otherwise, we have to assume that that which applies to the public at large also applies to us. That's where studies come in.
Being a physicist doesn't mean you know squat about child development. I know lots of smart people who lack common sense. I'd go with grandma who used to be a montessori teacher (our ex dcp for example) over grandma who used to be a physicist in a heart beat. My grandmother was an intelligent woman but I don't remember her ever reading to us when she "watched" (that's what she called it) us. I don't recall her ever playing developmental games with us. She "watched" us while mom worked. Period. All too often, this is what kith and kin care is. Unfortunately, if mom were home, odds have it, she would have used some of the extra time for developmental activities not because she has superior knowledge but simply because there'd be so much time to fill. Friends and relatives often just go about their business while the kids play.
The issues with kith and kin care, as I've stated before, rest in the feeling that the grand parents are doing a favor to their children. The children don't want to rock the boat even if they don't feel grandma is doing what she should. After all, she's grandma. Also, we have this "feeling" that family and friends are better than strangers when it may not be true. The question to ask is is my children's caregiver doing everything a trained dcp would do? Too many times, friends and family just baby sit where dcp's do develomental things that mom doesn't have time for because she works.
It's not punishing the MIL. Choosing one over the other pits one against the other.
Your suggestion only ramps up the animosity in the family. It pits mom against mother-in-law, which is actually what punishes the MIL. The child does not need to be in the middle of family tension, and your "solution" only makes things much much worse.
The quickest way to neutralize the situation is to remove themselves from it and see the grandparents socially. Get the kid a non-related babysitter and move on.
Figure out what's wrong with Mom anyway, regardless of the childcare situation.
ITA! Neither grandmother should be providing child care in this situation.
That's right, SOME are special. However, most think they are.
Even I do this. I didn't think I did but I do. A study came out in the 90's about time spent with children that had the average number of hours in day care as 8 for preschool children and the average working couple spending just over 7 hours per day parenting (it was 24 minutes more for stay at home households). I was CERTAIN I beat the averages because of my flexible work arrangements. Nope. I ended up smack dab in the middle when I crunched the numbers. That was eye opening. I don't trust my instinct about where I fit anymore and I shouldn't. Without reason to believe otherwise, we have to assume that that which applies to the public at large also applies to us. That's where studies come in.
Being a physicist doesn't mean you know squat about child development. I know lots of smart people who lack common sense. I'd go with grandma who used to be a montessori teacher (our ex dcp for example) over grandma who used to be a physicist in a heart beat. My grandmother was an intelligent woman but I don't remember her ever reading to us when she "watched" (that's what she called it) us. I don't recall her ever playing developmental games with us. She "watched" us while mom worked. Period. All too often, this is what kith and kin care is. Unfortunately, if mom were home, odds have it, she would have used some of the extra time for developmental activities not because she has superior knowledge but simply because there'd be so much time to fill. Friends and relatives often just go about their business while the kids play.
The issues with kith and kin care, as I've stated before, rest in the feeling that the grand parents are doing a favor to their children. The children don't want to rock the boat even if they don't feel grandma is doing what she should. After all, she's grandma. Also, we have this "feeling" that family and friends are better than strangers when it may not be true. The question to ask is is my children's caregiver doing everything a trained dcp would do? Too many times, friends and family just baby sit where dcp's do develomental things that mom doesn't have time for because she works.
Back in the day, I used to play at my daycare provider's house. And we watched t.v. at times, too ( a big these days, I know). We had a quiet time during the day where the little ones would lie down for naps and the older ones would read books to ourselves or play silently with puzzles & crosswords but, looking back, I think that quiet time was more for our daycare provider's sanity than anything else. Otherwise, the kids just played - usually the boys with the boys and the girls with the girls. But sometimes we would all go outside and just play - tag or hide and seek or some other game. I enjoyed it but it was always a bit of a relief to me when my parents came to pick me up in the evening...
This involves much more than the childcare issue, as I'm sure you know.
Whatever childcare resolution you choose should not involve either grandmother, since it will only make your relationships with MIL and mom worse, and it will eventually strain your marriage as people (inevitably) take sides.
Good advice. I would have gladly paid my mom -- I can't see taking advantage of people just because they are family and if I would pay a stranger, then I would happily pay a relative -- as long as the child care is at least as good.
In this case, it does look like the grandmothers are competing - and are either of them capable of caring for a small child? Free doesn't always mean better. But for the sake of family harmony, I think both should be excluded and other arrangements should be made.
For one, many kids have had mixed daycare studies...how do you factor in those kids...maybe the ones who were at home with mom for a year, then went to a center daycare for a while...or any other sort of combination.
As for the "trained" dcp, that suggests that every daycare worker comes to work with a positive attituded and is engaged in what they do, which isn't always the case.
How does a 2 or 3 year old really even have the verbal skills to "rock the boat" whether it is with the dcp or grandma? How do they even conceptualize that things aren't as mom hopes they are?
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these days, I know). We had a quiet time during the day where the little ones would lie down for naps and the older ones would read books to ourselves or play silently with puzzles & crosswords but, looking back, I think that quiet time was more for our daycare provider's sanity than anything else. Otherwise, the kids just played - usually the boys with the boys and the girls with the girls. But sometimes we would all go outside and just play - tag or hide and seek or some other game. I enjoyed it but it was always a bit of a relief to me when my parents came to pick me up in the evening...
