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I commiserate. I actually started a very similar thread several months ago which has gotten a lot of replies - many of them telling me I'm lazy and spoiled and disorganized and how dare I ask DH for more help, he works after all. My husband is also a gamer, and likes to stay up and sleep in (of course so do I, but who cares, right)? I don't really have too much advice, but I will say it has gotten better as DS got older - now that he's 3.5 DH seems to enjoy spending time with him more and doesn't see it as such a chore. Also, I've learned to ask for what I want, not expect him to offer, or better yet I'll just state it as fact, as in 'can you get him dressed while I'm doing the laundry' as I'm walking away. I'll share a small trick: I'll often leave some chores for the evening rather than trying to get them done during the day; that way, while DS naps or plays on his own I can rest, and DH is much more open to watching DS while I'm doing chores or grocery shopping etc than if I simply asked for time to rest. What else...oh, I found that if I actively played with and entertained DS in the evenings when hubby was home, he'd take it as free time to sit at the computer. Now, I'll just walk away and start doing something else - cooking, cleaning, checking email, whatever, and DS ends up in the same room with DH and bugging him so he can't play comfortably anyways, and he'll often end up playing with DS instead and I never had to ask him do it. We've also designated some things as his responsibility, like bathing. It takes on a whole different dynamic with you since you have the twin babies as well, but hopefully some of this will help. Good luck!
You're letting your husband get away with too much. You need to step back and let him take care of his family.
And you need to have a serious discussion about the gaming. It has obviously become a problem for your family. Time to find help if he refuses to set it aside for real world affairs.
Are some people missing that this is going on for 5-6 hours a DAY??? How on earth can you zone out in a game for 5-6 hours a DAY when working full-time?? You can when you are single and have no spouse to connect with, I guess, but you know darn well your marriage and family will go down the toilet when you neglect them so much.
My husband likes to play a video game from 7-7:30/8 every night after the kids go to bed (on about 4 nights a week) and the rest of those nights (7:30ish-bedtime) + 7-bedtime on the other nights is spent with us as a couple, having a drink on our patio, watching a movie, or having sex.
This man is addicted to SOMETHING, whether it's an RPG or something else.
Maybe he'll outgrow it (unlikely) - but the damage will still be done. No woman will stay in love with a husband that neglects her and the children like that. She might stay married out of 'obligation' but she won't love him.
Are some people missing that this is going on for 5-6 hours a DAY??? How onearth can you zone out in a game for 5-6 hours a DAY when working full-time?? You can when you are single and have no spouse to connect with, I guess, but you know darn well your marriage and family will go down the toilet when you neglect them so much.
My husband likes to play a video game from 7-7:30/8 every night after the kids go to bed (on about 4 nights a week) and the rest of those nights (7:30ish-bedtime) + 7-bedtime on the other nights is spent with us as a couple, having a drink on our patio, watching a movie, or having sex.
This man is addicted to SOMETHING, whether it's an RPG or something else.
Maybe he'll outgrow it (unlikely) - but the damage will still be done. No woman will stay in love with a husband that neglects her and the children like that. She might stay married out of 'obligation' but she won't love him.
I agree that spending 5 to 6 hours each evening away from your spouse and young children, after being away from home all day long at work, doing any hobby/vice/addiction would be a very serious family and marital problem. This would be an especially big problem as his wife also works full time so (almost) the full parenting responsibilities fall on her.
Games like WoW can be extremely addictive. It's probably time to have a "come to Jesus" type meeting with him and set some sort of limit on the video gaming. Frankly, with that many young kids, his video game playing should be limited to no more than a handful of hours a week, not a handful of hours per day.
If that doesn't work, it's probably time for some serious marriage counseling.
First of all, that's not exactly what I said, is it?
Lots of by-the-book people here (and on the Internet in general). I speak in this thread from experience only. I am not a psychologist. I feel I am/was very much like the OP's husband.
"The addiction would run its course" is exactly what you said. I don't think it matters what type of addiction it is. If it's causing someone to be MIA and causing strain to relationships it's all the same. Assuming someone eventually will just snap out of addiction on their own is a dangerous game my friend. I think you're only sympathetic because you're an avid gamer too.
I'm not even going to touch the notion that parents should spend time with their young kids based on how entertaining they are. That's just weird
I am so sorry. That simply would not fly in my house.
Here is an idea....pump enough extra milk for the twins for a few days and plan a weekend away with the girls, your mom, whatever. Leave him with the kids, tell him you are doing it because you need a break and leave. Kiss your babies and go take some well deserved time for yourself. Let him see what you do day in and day out.
Enough with the computer and the games. He is checked out and its partially your fault (not to be mean at all) because you have not sat him down and specifically said no more of this nonsense. He needs to know he is not doing his fair share and he needs to know how it is affecting you and the kids directly.
Take PP advice and "suck it up" if you feel like being a maid the rest of your life. Your husband shouldnt have married or had children if he thougt he could sit around, sleep, eat and play video games all day. That has nothing to do with not being "into fatherhood" or marriage, etc. It has everything to do with not deserving a famiy
Scratch that. I would kind of fear for my kids safety if I were gone a couple days based on how neglectful he already is when you ARE home. I would be scared to death he wouldnt be paying attention and he would leave the kids unsupervised and unattended to too much
It sounds odd probably because nobody here or other parenting forums want to say it. Maybe not on the forums you visit where there aren't as many dads who are being candid about their thoughts. If you visit some tech forums, you'll see how crude some mature men can be, about everything.
Mommy did the breast pumping and had her skin/contact time and I did probably an equal amount of bottle feedings (we have twins, remember) and puke cleanings, a ton of running errands for them, all doctor visits, etc. (didn't mind). She would tell me to come be with the babies and I'd think to myself "I should, but what would I do?" I'm NOT asking mommy to be with them all the other times. Simply put, there's only so much of doing nothing you can do with them when they're just staring around into space. To have to write this out seems funny to me, but it was the reality then. "Sit out"? From what exactly? Even up to last year when my boys were 4 I still remind my wife how I was right all along that I would play with them more, WHEN THEY GOT OLD ENOUGH TO ACTUALLY DO THINGS WITH ME. That is not a waste of time - I say all the time I will miss these days when they are young and fun and entertain the way they randomly talk and act. But I certainly do NOT miss the days when they were infants doing nothing. And it's not because of the hard work.
/a dad.
Assuming that's true, SOMEONE has to watch them when they're babies. If you and your wife are the only people in the house and you don't want to do it, then she has to (assuming they're not sleeping or somewhere you know they're safe). If it's boring for you, it's probably boring for her as well.
A friend of mine told me that he would play more with his sons when they got older and he could take them hunting and fishing. Meanwhile, he continued on with the life he'd lived pre-babies--lots of out-of-town fishing and hunting trips, plenty of time spent in his warehouse space doing the things he loved like restoring cars, building boats--you know, fun stuff. Guess how that turned out? His wife divorced him and no one who knows them blamed her at all. Now he gets to take them hunting and fishing every other weekend when he has visitation.
"The addiction would run its course" is exactly what you said. I don't think it matters what type of addiction it is. If it's causing someone to be MIA and causing strain to relationships it's all the same. Assuming someone eventually will just snap out of addiction on their own is a dangerous game my friend. I think you're only sympathetic because you're an avid gamer too.
I'm actually not an avid gamer - never was - don't even know the games that come out every year nor can I name those that have. WoW is the only game I play and not even so much anymore. Through the last 5+ years I've been playing, I went from casual to serious and back to very casual. In that same amount of time I have seen people I've come to know personally come and go in the same way. This is the personal experience I speak of. People form and join guilds and "raid" with each other. Over time, these guilds fall apart and the urge to play drops when there are less familiar people to play with. If not that, then the 3 scheduled nights a week of 4+ hours of game time can wear on you. If there's one negative, it's that it's VERY repetitive. Every week you do the same thing. People simply burn out and find other things to do. WoW has been around for a lot of years. It is actually winding down and the subscription numbers once in the 11 million range is now down to 8 million. No other MMORPG in all these years has successfully replaced WoW. Where does everyone go? Likely not raiding 4 hours a night anymore...
This is not a substance abuse thing that messes with the chemistry in your brain. Again, I suggest we take off the psychiatrist/psychologist hats. The addiction he has is in wanting to improve his character(s) because he's been working so hard at it. That's what most subscribers are doing. If the OP's husband is addicted only to WoW (rather than addicted to gaming and using anything and everything to deflect attention as a whole), his time will come too. Aside from giving our perspective, I think only the OP knows whether he is father material underneath.
It sounds odd probably because nobody here or other parenting forums want to say it. Maybe not on the forums you visit where there aren't as many dads who are being candid about their thoughts. If you visit some tech forums, you'll see how crude some mature men can be, about everything.
Mommy did the breast pumping and had her skin/contact time and I did probably an equal amount of bottle feedings (we have twins, remember) and puke cleanings, a ton of running errands for them, all doctor visits, etc. (didn't mind). She would tell me to come be with the babies and I'd think to myself "I should, but what would I do?" I'm NOT asking mommy to be with them all the other times. Simply put, there's only so much of doing nothing you can do with them when they're just staring around into space. To have to write this out seems funny to me, but it was the reality then. "Sit out"? From what exactly? Even up to last year when my boys were 4 I still remind my wife how I was right all along that I would play with them more, WHEN THEY GOT OLD ENOUGH TO ACTUALLY DO THINGS WITH ME. That is not a waste of time - I say all the time I will miss these days when they are young and fun and entertain the way they randomly talk and act. But I certainly do NOT miss the days when they were infants doing nothing. And it's not because of the hard work.
/a dad.
You sign "a dad" as if your views here are representative of dads in general. Do you think that's the case? I wonder if this character (caricature really) adds to, or is responsible for, the current culture of disrespect some have towards men in our society. Often in the relationships forum I read men complaning about how men are portrayed on TV and in movies- the big kid dad whose wife calls him her 2nd or 3rd child. A desire to be entertained by children, and in general, makes me think of this as well as the mindset of "helping out mom" with the kids. My husband is not like that, although my cousin's husband is. Dad's definitely play with their kids more and this is an important role, but for some guys it seems to have gone to the extreme.
With my husband and daughter I try to take a position that I will help him out when he needs it, not the other way around. That doesn't mean that he partakes in more childcare than I do. I'm so tuned into my daughter that it's impossible. But, I don't what the dynamic of her helper dad or baby sitting dad. He is a primary caretaker of our child as I am. I think that's best for our daughter.
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