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I've spoken before about my friend whose son came out to her the senior year in high school. Before everybody knew he was gay (well before the adults knew, my son says all the kids knew and it didn't matter) he took a female friend to the prom. We all met at a spectacular country club for pictures before the limos came. I'll never forget the extremely pained look on his mother's face while she watched the photo session. She looked like she was about to burst out in tears. She watched all the couples having fun and joking about outfits and she was the only Mom not smiling. I'm sure her heart was breaking now that I know what she had been told only days before. So yes I think most parents would have an initial period of disbelief, maybe shock and disappointment. But this woman and her husband completely rearranged their lives to accommodate their son and their family.
They both had extremely successful careers. A local favorite sandwich shop named sandwiches after each of them. They were big in community government, school board, church activities. I don't remember exactly how it happened and what event happened but some in the community started writing letters to the editor about the immoral gay community and they said some very hurtful things. The father wrote a letter to the editor defending his son and his friends and declaring he would love his son no matter what, that there were closeted and married gay men in the community which would surprise everybody, that being gay is much more prevalent that people knew and that bashing anybody because of who they were was not Christian. In no time his place of business was broken into and horrible graffiti was written all over his walls, furniture, etc. Their cars were vandalized.
They began to feel unsafe and certainly the atmosphere in their church and community was changing drastically. The parents continued to try to hold meetings, set up support groups for parents, etc. all to no avail. They worried about their younger son who was still in high school when all this happened.
Finally they sold their beautiful home and businesses (what was left of them)and moved to The Big City, Atlanta to start over. The son graduated from college with honors. His parents were beaming as they took photos on graduation day with him and his partner.We were there with our son as well. This was a completely transformed family and I would say for the best.
The son and mother went into real estate together and to this day have a successful business. (This was in the late 90's) Their home is a haven for kids thrown away by their families. Not just gay kids but all discarded kids. The business is very popular with gays in Atlanta as they know the backstory and feel safe with them. They have been profiled in local as well as national publications. The younger son went to law school to become an attorney directly involved with civil rights. None of them ever looked back.
When I brought my ex girlfriend to my grandparents house, they weren't very accepting and I ended up barely seeing them until after we broke up. It's not that they shunned me for it, just some of the comments and their view on it hurt my feelings. The older generations are always going to be less accepting because they didn't grow up with it being prominent. The younger generations will only be hateful if they're brought up to be.
An open relationship should be just that. My mother always said that the only issues that are insurmountable are those that aren't discussed.
I am straight. Had I been a lesbian, my relationship with my Mom would have been awkward. But she would have loved me just the same. We probably would have talked about it and would have had differing views. But she would have accepted me and loved me for who I am. I had a gay aunt in a very long-term relationship - my Mom considered them "roommates." I'm sure she knew, but had a tough time coming to terms with it. But she did love them both.
I remember when my boyfriend and I moved in together. She was actually more worried about what to tell people. I told her to tell people that she raised me better than that. She laughed and was okay with it. Eventually she told others about it. She came back and said that she wasn't the only one with a kid "shacking up."
I think the same is true for gay relationships. Parents don't have to understand it. They just need to accept that is the way it is. And if they open up about, they will find they aren't the only parents with gay kids.
Here we go again with another poorly disguised thread promoting this tiresome gay agenda thing.
If you do not want to read threads on the subject then simply do not open them. No one has a gun against your head forcing you to do so. I see this as a perfectly valid and useful thread however. Many parents undergo the surprise and uncertainty of finding out one or more of their children are homosexual. And it is perfectly valid to have a discussion on the topic here. I do not see this thread as promoting any kind of agenda at all... but as a thread where people are discussing a topic relevant to themselves. Your own post interjected into the thread however very much drips of your anti homosexual agenda. I suggest you pocket it and move on.
My advice to the OP would be...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Annie3
If so, how did you react to their relationship - good or bad?
..... remember that as a parent all you really should want for your child is a long and happy life. In this dark world if your child finds love... and someone who makes them happy.... then what more do you need to know? The sexual genitals that happen to occupy the underwear of that loved one has nothing to do with it.... or you.... and all you should be concerned with is cherishing the fact that your child has found someone to love.... and to be loved by.
I don't advocate non-traditional relationships/marriages, so I'm assuming my reaction to the likes of would not be positive or supportive.
The issue with appeals to tradition is that one has to cherry pick when to limit the time range for "tradition". The kind of marriage we have today is "current" not "traditional". Marriage has changed so much over time, passing through everything from temporary contracts to polygamy, that "tradition" is whatever one wishes to make it.
I think when supporting an adult child a parent has to remember that no one is asking THEM to get married in a "non traditional" marriage. They are just asking that parent to be understanding and supportive of the fact that they themselves are entering into one.
As parents our primary concern should be the happiness of our children. Not their forcing themselves to act like we would. If such a marriage is truly the right choice for their happiness then since they are not doing anything "wrong" we need know no more to allow us to support them.
Not so. If your children ended up miserable then you could possibly BEGIN to entertain thoughts on being a failure as a parent. But even then there are so many factors influencing how a child turns out, of which parents are only one, that you would really just be engaging in pointless navel gazing.
But if your child turns out happy and content, then you are far from being a failure as a parent. The type of marriage that child ends up in is entirely irrelevant. You might as well consider yourself a failure "as a responsible Caucasian parent" if your child married an Asian for all the sense you would be making.
Plus parenting, good or bad, does not turn children gay. If you have a gay child then all evidence I know of suggests that it would have been gay no matter what kind of parent you were. And no evidence I know of, or have been shown, much less by anyone on this forum, suggests otherwise.
The issue with appeals to tradition is that one has to cherry pick when to limit the time range for "tradition". The kind of marriage we have today is "current" not "traditional". Marriage has changed so much over time, passing through everything from temporary contracts to polygamy, that "tradition" is whatever one wishes to make it.
I think when supporting an adult child a parent has to remember that no one is asking THEM to get married in a "non traditional" marriage. They are just asking that parent to be understanding and supportive of the fact that they themselves are entering into one.
As parents our primary concern should be the happiness of our children. Not their forcing themselves to act like we would. If such a marriage is truly the right choice for their happiness then since they are not doing anything "wrong" we need know no more to allow us to support them.
So very true. Through most of history, marriage was a primarily civil affair.
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