No help for adult children (support, parents, chores, daughter)
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Just a vent of sorts. I know when I was a young adult starting out, I had "help", from my parents.
Now I know that there are lots of folks that fought the hard scrabble life on their own, no help at all from their folks, and they turned out fine for the wear and tear. That's fine too.
But I'm just kind of lamenting the sad state of the economy and the fact that I'm not in any position to help my grown kids, as I was helped.
Wondering if anybody else has the same thoughts.
Our first home, it was a run-down HUD rental that my mom owned as investment property. In a bad area of town, and run down and in pretty bad shape. But she deeded it to us, along with the small mortgage that went with it. That was a huge step, in helping us along the way. We worked hard and fixed the house up (eons ago, a lifetime ago). Sold it for a huge profit over what was owed on it, and bought our next home, the one we currently live in.
The folks were able to help us along, as newly marrieds, young adults, with just simple things, like paint for one of the rooms in the house, like a ceiling fan for the bedroom when we couldn't afford to buy one ourselves, dinners out on occasion or help to pay for a big extended family vacation so we could all be together.
Just lamenting the fact that I now have grown kids and am not in the same position, same station, my parents were, and able to help them much. It's sad, to me. Can't help them at all with the purchase of a home, not a prayer of that. I did just buy one daughter (grown) a new pair of eyeglasses, that were sorely needed. Did help the oldest daughter when she bought her place a couple of years back with a paltry $250 (it was all I could do). Did help and pay for a wedding, a conservative, not costly, wedding for the middle daughter. But not all the nice wedding I was able to have, that my parents could afford.
I'm not one for big fancy vacations, or big fancy boats or other gadgets. I get my happiness from my family and all of us seem to thoroughly enjoy one another for the most part. I would like to be able to gain *more* happiness by being in a position to help my newly (or fairly new to it) adult children, but am not.
Just a vent of sorts. I know when I was a young adult starting out, I had "help", from my parents.
Now I know that there are lots of folks that fought the hard scrabble life on their own, no help at all from their folks, and they turned out fine for the wear and tear. That's fine too.
But I'm just kind of lamenting the sad state of the economy and the fact that I'm not in any position to help my grown kids, as I was helped.
Wondering if anybody else has the same thoughts.
Our first home, it was a run-down HUD rental that my mom owned as investment property. In a bad area of town, and run down and in pretty bad shape. But she deeded it to us, along with the small mortgage that went with it. That was a huge step, in helping us along the way. We worked hard and fixed the house up (eons ago, a lifetime ago). Sold it for a huge profit over what was owed on it, and bought our next home, the one we currently live in.
The folks were able to help us along, as newly marrieds, young adults, with just simple things, like paint for one of the rooms in the house, like a ceiling fan for the bedroom when we couldn't afford to buy one ourselves, dinners out on occasion or help to pay for a big extended family vacation so we could all be together.
Just lamenting the fact that I now have grown kids and am not in the same position, same station, my parents were, and able to help them much. It's sad, to me. Can't help them at all with the purchase of a home, not a prayer of that. I did just buy one daughter (grown) a new pair of eyeglasses, that were sorely needed. Did help the oldest daughter when she bought her place a couple of years back with a paltry $250 (it was all I could do). Did help and pay for a wedding, a conservative, not costly, wedding for the middle daughter. But not all the nice wedding I was able to have, that my parents could afford.
I'm not one for big fancy vacations, or big fancy boats or other gadgets. I get my happiness from my family and all of us seem to thoroughly enjoy one another for the most part. I would like to be able to gain *more* happiness by being in a position to help my newly (or fairly new to it) adult children, but am not.
Just wondering if others have the same issues.
It seems as if it's your issue alone, and not necessarily your kids' issue, right? You've done the best for them that you could, I'm sure, and they will survive. It sounds as if you view helping them with certain things as the norm when it may not be. My parents were not in a position to help us at all with anything like buying real estate (I was one of seven), but they did help us here and there--contributed something toward weddings, but didn't pay for it all--helped out two of my sisters who were struggling financially when their kids were young to take care of some basic needs.
On the other hand, I know people whose parents handed them a down payment for a home. That certainly would have been a nice thing to get, but I didn't love my parents any less because they weren't wealthy enough to do that.
Put it all in perspective--did you raise your now-adult kids to be good people whose presence in the world makes a positive contribution? Then you've done the most important job of all. Money's only money.
some of us are in the position of having helped our adult kids too much and might feel taken advantage of. The sense of entitlement many young people have might come from being overindulged while growing up. we can't win either way.
I'm sure your kids are grateful for what you have done. The best gift you can give your children is to be able to take care of YOURSELF in your golden years and not look to them for financial help. Maybe that perspective will make you feel better.
It seems as if it's your issue alone, and not necessarily your kids' issue, right? You've done the best for them that you could, I'm sure, and they will survive. It sounds as if you view helping them with certain things as the norm when it may not be. My parents were not in a position to help us at all with anything like buying real estate (I was one of seven), but they did help us here and there--contributed something toward weddings, but didn't pay for it all--helped out two of my sisters who were struggling financially when their kids were young to take care of some basic needs.
On the other hand, I know people whose parents handed them a down payment for a home. That certainly would have been a nice thing to get, but I didn't love my parents any less because they weren't wealthy enough to do that.
Put it all in perspective--did you raise your now-adult kids to be good people whose presence in the world makes a positive contribution? Then you've done the most important job of all. Money's only money.
Well I suppose we did the very best job we could, with the resources we had. And they'e all turned out to be wonderful, productive, relatively happy adults. That, I'm grateful for.
And yes, they do so seem to appreciate us, and strive to spend time with us. It always surprises me how much they strive to make that happen. I can't say that I did the same when I was their age, going out of my way to try to do what I can to be with my folks. Just recently I happened to mention, casually, in conversation with my oldest daughter, a movie coming out on DVD soon that I want to see. She got the movie when it came out and called me to come over. I couldn't come at that time, some conflict in the schedule. She said "well I'll wait, cuz I want to see it when you can come over", asked if I could come the next night. That kinda thing.
The other daughter, having a bday celebration for a buddy of her's, at her place. A friend of her's that we happen to know, and think a lot of. She made it a point to invite us to join in. I even said to her "oh that's ok, I know you guys don't want us old fogies in the middle of all that". Oh she was hurt, No No,she wanted us there. So we went.
So they are wonderful people, who don't expect, at all that we "do" for them financially. It's just a longing that I have, wish I could do more for them monetarily than I'm able to do.
But I guess, like it was put here in this thread, if they are good people, be grateful for that. And they are, good people.
Did you teach your kids to be responsible and self reliant? Do you love them and reassure them of that fact constantly? Do you do what you can, even if it's not a lot? If you can say yes, you did the best thing any parent could for them. Sure, it's nice if you can give them things, but at some point you will be dead and they'll be completely on their own.
I'm 25 and support myself. If something were to happen to my parents tomorrow, I'd still be able to take care of myself and I love that I don't rely on them financially. I don't begrudge my parents the fact that they won't be able to pay for a down payment on my house or pay for my wedding. I'm grateful that they taught me how to manage money, work hard and be successful.
Well, it depends on how you define help. Given the state of the economy, I'm surprised we're not seeing more multigenerational households. That would help everyone, financially and many hands make light work. Unfortunately, we're to stuck on independence to realize the benefits of living in a multigenerational household.
I used to work for a Massadonian family and this was their tradition. The kids lived with the parents until they were in position to build their own home and pay cash for it. They in turn, allowed their children to live at home until they could do the same. Kids married, brought their new spouse home, their kids were born and then maybe about the time the grand kids were entering elementary school, they built their own home.
That's an incredible leg up on life. To find yourself in your early 30's with your house paid off and a big enough house that when your kids have their kids they can stay with you. I kind of like that idea, of course I don't have the room to offer this to my kids. We could pool resources and do well though and the house would be theirs when I die.
My parents paid for my college. When they wrote the last tuition check, that was it! I bought my own car (at 20), paid for my own wedding (at 22), and will buy my first house myself (hopefully at 25-26). My parents could help (my dad has actually offered to loan me down payment money), but I don't want it. They raised me well, and it's a pride thing that I am able to be completely self sufficient.
I work with a few people, all in our early-mid twenties, who still get financial support from their parents. One has his car lease paid by his parents, another has rent paid for, and a third lives at home at 26 despite making $50k+ for the past 5 years. I am glad that's not me.
Just the other end of the spectrum--your kids might not feel like they're missing out on anything by not getting free money from mom and dad!
Well, it depends on how you define help. Given the state of the economy, I'm surprised we're not seeing more multigenerational households. That would help everyone, financially and many hands make light work. Unfortunately, we're to stuck on independence to realize the benefits of living in a multigenerational household.
I used to work for a Massadonian family and this was their tradition. The kids lived with the parents until they were in position to build their own home and pay cash for it. They in turn, allowed their children to live at home until they could do the same. Kids married, brought their new spouse home, their kids were born and then maybe about the time the grand kids were entering elementary school, they built their own home.
That's an incredible leg up on life. To find yourself in your early 30's with your house paid off and a big enough house that when your kids have their kids they can stay with you. I kind of like that idea, of course I don't have the room to offer this to my kids. We could pool resources and do well though and the house would be theirs when I die.
I've heard that, in other countries, it seems to be more the norm than it is here. And yes, that would be an incredible leg up on life.
I've often thought of that. The oldest daughter, in our case, seems to be doing relatively *ok*. She lives a frugal life and has a decent place to live that she can call her very own. And doesn't seem to struggle too much to do it. The middle daughter however, newly married, there are times that they don't even have enough money for food, but they pay their rent, and their light bill (we feed them if we need to, and don't mind doing so). If ever there was a case that living arrangement would be helpful it's their case. But, I'm not sure she could live at home anymore, nor am I sure I want her to. I love her, of course, dearly, but she is a grown woman and is used to running the show at her place, as I am here. I'm sure it would cause conflict.
Wonder how that works out in other cultures. How do they divy up the household chores so that no one person is carrying more than their fair share of the load?
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