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Several things that I read from the OP were on how to manage the home, how to spend time with her daughter, how her daughter is growing up and eventually those moments she could have had with her will be gone. I get that. As a dad my wife is always telling me the same thing. I missed a lot of things with the older kids and now with the younger kids they are slowly outgrowing things. It used to be that I would take 3 kids to the park after work. Now I am down to one most of the time and two every once in a while. We have 6 kids.
Having kids is a sacrifice, one that we as parents make to help a child grow to their potential. We sacrifice our wants and needs so that we can offer a better life for our children. The things that more money offer can not replace the moments lost with parents being away from the home. I doubt that a single toddler will remember what kind of car that mom drove around in when they were young, but that child will never forget that mom was at home with her when she was young.
The OP asked how to better manage the time she has, and she has received some good suggestions. I think it is amusing how many posters in this forum don't think other people think through decisions like quitting a job. It IS possible that the OP and her husband did think about all the things you mentioned and still came to the conclusion that she should keep working. It happens.
Based on her posts, IMO, the OP's cleanliness standards may be too high, and her philosophy that she needs to spend every second catering to her child in the evenings is flawed. I don't think it benefits the OP or the child.
we hardly spend any time during the day together. So, while she eats, I eat the left overs or have coffee etc. I generally sit beside her on the table and talk to her/ sing to her etc. I tried cooking while she eats but its taking away that time from her. All day I am away from her...so I am trying to grab on to what ever is left of in the evening with her. She is already 2 now. Before long she will not want me anymore like now.
A loving parent/child relationship does not suddenly disappear. Your daughter will "want you" for many years in the future. How they "want you" may change but it won't go away in a loving family.
My daughter is 26 years old and we talk on the phone at least once if not several times a day.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maila
My DH keeps telling me the same thing. At what age do kids need to be taught that mommy has other things to do?
My kids started learning it as babies. Even Mommy needs to take a shower or go to the bathroom. By two years old many children can entertain themselves/play with toys/look at books/do a variety of activities for 10 or 15 minutes while their parents are close by. By 3 years old some/many children can play independently for 20 minutes or even longer.
As others have mentioned 2 year olds love to "help" Mom & Dad. You can get a child sized broom and she can help you sweep the floor. She can "help" you wash fruit & vegetables with a wet cloth while you are preparing dinner or put away the plastic containers (Tupperware) on the bottom shelf or fun activities like that.
Most parents learn to handle the basic cooking & essential cleaning & other necessary responsibilities and still have time for reading books together, playing with toys and sharing the good times in the evenings with their children.
Sometimes, when parents give their preschoolers constant attention they never learn how to play by themselves or even seem to enjoy their own company. I am not saying ignore your children but you do not have to spend every single second that you are home playing with your preschooler. I have seen students starting 4K who have absolutely no idea how to play with toys by themselves, look at books independently or how to play with peers because their parents never let them develop those skills. They want the adult (teacher) to talk with them, read to them & play with them 1 to 1 the entire time they are in the classroom. OP, I am not saying that will happen to your daughter but I have seen it happen and the parents are usually very surprised because they just assumed that the more time that you spend 1 to 1 with your child the better it is.
Time spent with your daughter does not have to be time spent focused solely on her needs and wants. Sometimes being in the same room while she does one thing (eats) and you do another (cook) while talking to each other is enough. Even at two years of age she's old enough to "help" with chores. For example, let her carry a few pieces of laundry and let her toss the items into the washing machine, press the button for the dryer, etc.
Let her watch you cook and talk to her about what you are doing. Just talk to her about what you're doing, for example, "Mommy is measuring 2 cups of water into the pot" or things like that provide opportunities for interaction and learning. Kids learn a lot by watching and listening. Perhaps she can even pull out some "play" food or playdoh and do her own cooking while you cook. While you mop, let her play with a play mop or broom. Give her a dust rag or feather duster and let her help. It won't be perfect, but she will think it's fun to be doing big girl things like mom. Play time doesn't have to mean the park or sitting down with toys.
I"m a huge fan of crockpots and leftovers. For a time period I did once a month/week cooking even though I was a stay-at-home mother for periods of time when we had our second child. When our kids were very actively involved in sports during high school, nothing was better than coming home after a meet or game and having a meal ready to go in the crockpot. Anything that helps put meals on the table with less stress is good.
Have you looked into a grocery delivery service? The one I use occasionally often has free delivery coupons. Prices are generally similar to my local stores, and they accept coupons. 15 minutes on a phone or computer ordering groceries is a lot easier than driving to a store and shopping.
You also asked about what age kids should be able/allowed to do things on their own. My answer is NOW!. While I didn't constantly leave them alone, at age 2 my kids often went into another room to play on their own while I fixed meals or did other chores. At that age one of my daughter's favorite toys was a little desk. I kept blank paper, chunky crayons, and puzzles in the desk for her to color or play whenever she wanted or when I needed some time to do something else. It might not have been pretty or the best decorative accessory, but I kept it in the dining room. I could hear her even if I could not see her.
I do well remember the stress I felt to have everything perfect for my oldest child and to be the perfect mother and wife. It's not healthy in the long run. As far as a spotless house and floors--my kids are on their own now and my house is definitely not spotless.
You can't do it all, and do it all well. So, quit cooking and quit cleaning. And no, I've never been wealthy.
And time with your kid is WAY more important that housework. Can you imagine someone on their death bed..."I wish I'd spent more time cleaning and less time with my kid..."
You can schedule time to clean on weekends, but that cuts into family time. Hire someone to come once a week. It will be worth it. You'll find a way to budget it in. Even only every 2 weeks, and just live with the dirt in-between.
Buy lots of paper plates - the good kind - at Costco. Buy lots of pre-made dishes at Costco (like their ribs or roasted chickens or lasagna, etc.), and premade and washed salad greens in a bag.
I have friends who finally agreed to hire someone to come clean and they swear it saved their marriage.
Kids love pizza. Even if you're into organic, Amy's pizzas are really good and good for you.
I've even seen those pre-packaged crock-pot ready stew mixes at Wal-mart last week. Was around $10 or $12 I think, and included a roast, onions, potatoes, carrots. You just open the package, throw it in the crockpot in the morning. When you come home dinner is served. Grab some Texas toast out of the freezer or put some rice in a rice cooker. Open a bag of salad, ta da!
And laundry? Look into a pick up and drop off service. If that's not available, drop it off at the fluff and fold, let them clean it, hang it up, fold it, etc., for you. That's what I did when I was a single working mom. Heck, I didn't even have time to put it away. It came back all folded up and wrapped in blue paper. We'd end up just using stuff straight from the blue paper until it was empty, then I'd go drop off the bags of dirty laundry again.
You need to make things easier for yourself, as much as possible.
And as far as kids helping.....save that for the weekend when your patience and time levels are greater. Kids, gotta love em, make jobs harder, not easier, until they get older and can do chores on their own.
And to heck with trying to live up to that song about women being able to bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan....take care of the kid, cook, clean, do laundry, and then.....have hot rollicking love making with the hubby? Holy God, what were we thinking....
Bless your heart! You just can't do everything and have a perfect house, child, husband and appearance. That super woman doesn't exist! You've just got to do the best you can. And that's OK.
Lots of good suggestions here. I'll add my own:
1. Lower your standards. Make sure the essentials are clean enough. Tackle the rest Scarlet-style - on another day!
2. Try to do a little cleaning every day...just take 10 minutes and pick up, or dust just one area etc.
3. Cook in bulk on the weekends. Always make enough for two or three meals for the family. Even if you have to freeze some of it. Reheat and serve as needed! Have snacks and quick pickup foods for grab and go - fruit, cut up veggies etc. Which means you'll have to do some planning for menus and shopping. Time well invested.
4. Involve your child, as much as she is capable of in doing these tasks. Yes, it's just easier to do it yourself. But if you'll teach them, and be patient, they'll learn a LOT and be more independent as they get older. Do you know any college students who can't do laundry or don't know how to make scrambled eggs? I do! (raising my own hand at that age). Do them a favor and teach them by giving them chores early.
5. Forgive yourself. It's OK if the house is messy, the hamper running over, dust bunnies giggling under the sofa while you play with your daughter. She won't remember the mess but she will remember her mama laughing with her.
Sometimes, when parents give their preschoolers constant attention they never learn how to play by themselves or even seem to enjoy their own company. I am not saying ignore your children but you do not have to spend every single second that you are home playing with your preschooler. I have seen students starting 4K who have absolutely no idea how to play with toys by themselves, look at books independently or how to play with peers because their parents never let them develop those skills. They want the adult (teacher) to talk with them, read to them & play with them 1 to 1 the entire time they are in the classroom. OP, I am not saying that will happen to your daughter but I have seen it happen and the parents are usually very surprised because they just assumed that the more time that you spend 1 to 1 with your child the better it is.
This. It sounds like OP is trying so hard to be involved, but could back off a little and not use that time to clean the house, but to focus on HER once in awhile. OP, we only mop once a month. Yes, some may consider that awful, but our home is meant to be lived in, not look spotless every second of every day.
I agree with germaine that the best intentions of spending 1 on 1 time can result in mom or dad being too stressed because of never getting down time and your daughter never learning to be independent because she's got the idea she will always be everyone's center of attention. I would start gradually backing off a little. Stay close by at first while she eats, but do some things in the kitchen. Fold some laundry or put it away. Read for a bit while she plays by herself. You can still have time for closeness and cuddling, but your daughter will also learn Mommy has her own independent needs too.
Bless your heart! You just can't do everything and have a perfect house, child, husband and appearance. That super woman doesn't exist! You've just got to do the best you can. And that's OK.
Lots of good suggestions here. I'll add my own:
1. Lower your standards. Make sure the essentials are clean enough. Tackle the rest Scarlet-style - on another day!
2. Try to do a little cleaning every day...just take 10 minutes and pick up, or dust just one area etc.
3. Cook in bulk on the weekends. Always make enough for two or three meals for the family. Even if you have to freeze some of it. Reheat and serve as needed! Have snacks and quick pickup foods for grab and go - fruit, cut up veggies etc. Which means you'll have to do some planning for menus and shopping. Time well invested.
4. Involve your child, as much as she is capable of in doing these tasks. Yes, it's just easier to do it yourself. But if you'll teach them, and be patient, they'll learn a LOT and be more independent as they get older. Do you know any college students who can't do laundry or don't know how to make scrambled eggs? I do! (raising my own hand at that age). Do them a favor and teach them by giving them chores early.
5. Forgive yourself. It's OK if the house is messy, the hamper running over, dust bunnies giggling under the sofa while you play with your daughter. She won't remember the mess but she will remember her mama laughing with her.
I used to teach early childhood special education. I can still remember the shock and amazement on the faces of some of the parents when they would observe in the classroom. Almost every child in the three year old classroom (most functioning cognitively at the 18 month to 3 year level) were able to put their plastic cup and plastic plate/bowl in the dishpan in the sink after snack and then wipe the crumbs off of their place on the table with a wet dish cloth. The children also handled almost 100% of the toy clean-up at the end of play time, put their own books away, put art supplies away, etc. Of course, this was only a small part of their educational day but I wanted to mention it to point out that even very young child can be helpful at school and at home.
Children love to help and love to show their independence. It is a win-win situation. Children learn skills and can helpful to their parents. Every toy that a child puts away is one less toy that their parent needs to put away. And that means more time for fun for everyone.
I've just got to pipe in a little on this idea of teaching the child to be helpful, etc., while actually trying to get those same things accomplished. I can only imagine the people saying these things, expecting this woman to do this after the long day she's already had, has never been in her shoes.
Daycare is great. Let her learn some chores at daycare, where people are paid to teach kids stuff, and spend time doing these things with your child on the weekend. But, I remember having a day like yours.
Get up, try to get into the bathroom first, so you can take your shower, start the coffee, make breakfast. Hoping to wake up and get out of bed before hubby gets any ideas that may throw off the schedule...
Then the others wake up and start asking where their socks are, etc. Then the kid you know and love, spills milk down the front of her outfit, so you look at the clock and realize you are losing time. So, you hurry to change the kid into new clothes, check to make sure you've packed everything you need to pack to get her to day care, food for your own lunch, grab the grocery list. Then go get into traffic. Then go check into daycare. All of this involving strapping the child into and out of a child safety seat.
Then, work a full day, then the traffic and commute again. Do a quick drive-by at the grocery store, looking at your watch to be sure and pick up your child before you get dinged with a late-pickup fee.
You've got a migraine already, and your child is so excited to see you they are showing you stuff they made, etc., all while you are trying to look excited, thinking about what to make for dinner, get them strapped in. Maybe you had to work until you didn't have time to do the grocery drive by. So, now you have to do it with your child in tow, who is hungry, and wants all the nice things in the store, and wants to know why she can't have them, or is asking tons of questions, or still chatting about something that happened during her day.
You finally get home, try to get something ready for the child to eat, need to sit down and have some quality time, still have laundry to throw in, as there is no clean underwear left in the house, dinner to be made for the hubby. Maybe you actually find a minute to go change out of your heels and work clothes.
So, now this woman is going to take time to show her daughter how to clean the kitchen or cook something? Knowing that the clock is saying it's time to put the chicken in the oven, husband comes in the door and wants to chat a minute, but you're in the middle of teaching your child how to load the dishwasher. Then your lovely child spills an enormous amount of dishwashing soap into the dishwasher. You try not to lose your temper. Husband is in one ear, you're soothing the child who is crying over the spilt soap.
And you still need to give her a bath and read her a story and put her to sleep. Then, have dinner and quality time with your husband.....who is looking at you with those googly eyes again, and all you want to do is sleeeeep.
OMG you guys. Let's save the teaching the kid how to do clean and cook for the weekend. Please! The child is only two, as I recall?
Stay at home moms can do this. Working moms can't. And do everything else, too.
At least that was my experience. And my daughter had a very happy childhood. Work days were one way, weekends were another. I made quality time for her 7 days a week. But, trying to teach a child to do things is something in addition to actually getting things done. They don't occupy the same space for a working woman. Telling her she has to teach her child how to keep house at 2 years old every day, in addition to actually keeping house is adding to her day.
Oh, I'm so glad those days are over!
What's my point? OP, there is no way to put 50 hours into a 24 hour day. You need to figure out the best way to avoid feeling homicidal towards your family. However you need to do that is fine. They'll be happier if you're happier, too. Like that saying: Ain't nobody happy if Mama ain't happy.
My DH keeps telling me the same thing. At what age do kids need to be taught that mommy has other things to do? I think I feel so guilty about leaving her at the daycare for such long hours that I do this to myself. God...if only I can find a job closer to home, I can cut down on commute time.
Do you all have spot less floors/ carpets at home? I try to mop once in 2 days but that doesnt seem to do the job on my tile-kitchen floors. Or should i just forget out spot-less home until she grows up a bit?
1. I clean once a week; I am a stay at home mom FYI. Monday is cleaning day (laundry, floors, etc) there's no way in hell am I going to mop every two days! I teach them to eat clean over the plate. No shoes in the house, shoes stay in the garage.
2. I never once thought I had to spend every minute with them! I have 3. As soon as they could walk, they started helping around. Putting clothes in hamper, dishes in the dishwasher etc.
3. I put my foot down with hubby! He needs to do floors too, and laundry etc. 50/50 I don't care; if he lives here and doesn't pay me a maid salary, he cleans, cooks, and helps with the kids, this is not just "my" family.
4. I teach self sufficiency & that chores are not optional.
5. Schedule yourself, and don't go for big meals every day. Plan your meals; I have appts with them during the week too so in those days meals are thinner....the croc pot is a noble thought, but we're not into leftovers much, and what happens is that things will start growing other things in the fridge if we have leftovers. We're all picky eaters here.
7. My kids are in bed at 7, 7:30pm, no one naps anymore, and they are spent from school/homework, playground (my youngest) etc
8. If I was working, my cleaning schedule won't change; once a week, it would probably move Friday so I don't spend my weekend cleaning, and shopping would be done either first thing before work, or very late after work when the store is empty of people. The key is to get everyone to pitch in, your husband doesn't get to have a free ride! Mine works "long" hours too...
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