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Old 08-30-2014, 05:48 PM
 
5,413 posts, read 4,847,336 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Katiana View Post
The OP has raised other kids. I think she knows this stuff. Given that your own daughter got in with a rowdy crowd, it should be obvious to you that no matter how you Proverbs 22:6 Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it. they sometimes make some bad decisions.

And your last sentence was pretty snarky. We've all felt (I think) that our pre-teen and teenage children are strangers to us.
The religion forum it to the right.

Just because parent is willing to admit that not everything about their kids is perfect and the child made some bad choices it doesn't mean you discount what advice they offer.....if anything you know they are being more honest than someone that claims their child never did anything wrong....ever. I think utsci made some very valid points.

And no....I've never felt that my daughter was a stranger to me....she's done things (good and bad) have have surprized me....but never have I felt I didn't know 'her' as a person and not just my daughter.

As for the OP...she herself has said that her older children were much different (for obvious reasons) than her younger two. I don't believe they were as perfectly behaved as she made them out to be, but time does soften memories.

We dont' really know what this girl did...did she just say 'Geez, I always have to help, why can't you just do it yourself'' (which is still sass in my book, but not worth much more than raised eyebrow and being told to get to work) or if the child really said something that disrespectful that the OP wanted to slap her face (thought thankfully didnt).

 
Old 08-30-2014, 06:11 PM
 
Location: Foot of the Rockies
85,074 posts, read 99,122,332 times
Reputation: 31549
Quote:
Originally Posted by ScarletG View Post
The religion forum it to the right.

Just because parent is willing to admit that not everything about their kids is perfect and the child made some bad choices it doesn't mean you discount what advice they offer.....if anything you know they are being more honest than someone that claims their child never did anything wrong....ever. I think utsci made some very valid points.

And no....I've never felt that my daughter was a stranger to me....she's done things (good and bad) have have surprized me....but never have I felt I didn't know 'her' as a person and not just my daughter.

As for the OP...she herself has said that her older children were much different (for obvious reasons) than her younger two. I don't believe they were as perfectly behaved as she made them out to be, but time does soften memories.

We dont' really know what this girl did...did she just say 'Geez, I always have to help, why can't you just do it yourself'' (which is still sass in my book, but not worth much more than raised eyebrow and being told to get to work) or if the child really said something that disrespectful that the OP wanted to slap her face (thought thankfully didnt).
Oh, h*ll! (Pun intended) I was just showing that the idea is as old as time, that you teach your kids the way and they won't forget it. (But they might, along the way, make some mistakes.) I think utsci thinks that this is NK's oldest.

No, we don't know really know what this kid did, but I'd bet you dollars to donuts it wasn't the bold, having raised one very similar. What obvious reason was her older daughter different from these two? Korean instead of Vietnamese?
 
Old 08-30-2014, 06:31 PM
 
5,413 posts, read 4,847,336 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Katiana View Post
Oh, h*ll! (Pun intended) I was just showing that the idea is as old as time, that you teach your kids the way and they won't forget it. (But they might, along the way, make some mistakes.) I think utsci thinks that this is NK's oldest.

No, we don't know really know what this kid did, but I'd bet you dollars to donuts it wasn't the bold, having raised one very similar. What obvious reason was her older daughter different from these two? Korean instead of Vietnamese?
She said her older daughter never has typical teenage moods or attitude and has a very different personality from the two younger ones. It has nothing to do with ethnic origin.

And I bet that what the girl actually did is closer to what the statement of mine that you bolded than anything truly worthy of withholding basic needs or emptying her room and taking down her door as been suggested.
 
Old 08-30-2014, 06:33 PM
 
Location: winchester VA
1 posts, read 687 times
Reputation: 14
When my son starts to get an attitude I ask him if he feels OK. (he's 15) are you tired? You seem to be in a bad mood. If he continues I tell him well I'm very busy and if you don't want to talk about it or help me, then I need you to leave the room. Because I don't have the time to deal with whatever is bothering you. Dinner will be ready at 6:00 if you are still in a bad mood and don't want to talk about it at dinner come get your plate and eat some place other then the table. So the family can enjoy there dinner and talk about their day. But if you want talk about it OK. But don't come and talk to me with an attitude, I don't want you around me when you are so cranky. I think you need to get more rest at night, you will feel much better. I like to approach the situation as if he is in a bad mood, other then starting trouble. He or she will relise that his actions are not considered trying to be a pain in your butt. It won't work. Mom is just gonna think I'm tired, not feeling well or troubled about something etc. You can start this at any age, any time, just keep doing it. My son is very respectful and well behaved. I started this from the beginning. Whether or not he was old enough to understand. Works like a charm. There never to old. good luck, if you try it. But you won't need luck just a little time.
 
Old 08-30-2014, 06:35 PM
 
Location: Foot of the Rockies
85,074 posts, read 99,122,332 times
Reputation: 31549
Quote:
Originally Posted by ScarletG View Post
She said her older daughter never has typical teenage moods or attitude and has a very different personality from the two younger ones. It has nothing to do with ethnic origin.

And I bet that what the girl actually did is closer to what the statement of mine that you bolded than anything truly worthy of withholding basic needs or emptying her room and taking down her door as been suggested.
Well, I bet not! Who suggested taking down her door? Did I miss something?

My daughter once said, "If you're too lazy to clean the bathrooms yourself, then hire someone to do it" when I asked her to clean a bathroom. The tone and the decibels were fairly high, too! Do tell us how old your oldest daughter is.
 
Old 08-30-2014, 06:47 PM
 
Location: Miami Metro
1,009 posts, read 1,236,767 times
Reputation: 881
Quote:
Originally Posted by no kudzu View Post
Well softie Daddy came back down and told me about their conversation. She had all sorts of excuses, none of which made any sense since this has been ongoing for about a year. "new school year, new locker, l new teacher, doesn't like her shoes, bla bla bla." He asked if I was making enough for everybody which of course I still was. Then he said she knows she needs to apologize and she understand why I was so angry. Then he said "can she come down?" I asked if she even wants to and apparently she did cause she did come down, muttered some sort of half assed apology "sorry". I told her I wasn't going to let her be disrespectful to me anymore and I had every intention of not seeing her again till morning. Then I removed myself and had my supper in front of the evening news.

The thing is...I remember being forced to sit and eat with the family when I was so upset. My father was a tyrant. I would have given anything if I was allowed to leave the table or even forfeit supper but I had to sit there and eat every bite while crying and choking. It was miserable. No wonder I have abdominal problems my whole life.
If she apologized, why are you still annoyed? Even if it was half assed, it still was an acknowledgment. I would be annoyed if I was her.
 
Old 08-30-2014, 06:55 PM
 
5,413 posts, read 4,847,336 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Katiana View Post
Well, I bet not! Who suggested taking down her door? Did I miss something?

My daughter once said, "If you're too lazy to clean the bathrooms yourself, then hire someone to do it" when I asked her to clean a bathroom. The tone and the decibels were fairly high, too! Do tell us how old your oldest daughter is.

Yes, there was quite a bit of talk about the taking off her bedroom door in this thread, so yes, you must have missed it.

My only child is 19 and just started her sophomore year of college. The hardest ages for attitude were 12 to 14 -ish. There was plenty of eye rolling, complaining about chores, quite a few suggestions to change her tone and try to say something again, and yes, more than once appropriate punishments were meted out for non-compliance. Punishments that did not deny basic needs, make her feel that I couldn't stand the sight of her, or that she couldn't work her way back into good standing with a change of direction and an apology.
 
Old 08-30-2014, 10:22 PM
 
Location: interior Alaska
4,004 posts, read 2,992,554 times
Reputation: 11917
Quote:
Originally Posted by ScarletG View Post
Punishments that did not deny basic needs, make her feel that I couldn't stand the sight of her, or that she couldn't work her way back into good standing with a change of direction and an apology.
Yeah. I strongly feel that punishments of minors that withhold basic needs - sustaining food, shelter, medical care, love, etc. - are inappropriate. Withholding these things creates an unsettling subtext about the parent-child relationship. One forgets as one ages that children are acutely aware of how little recourse they have when it comes to their parents' actions.
 
Old 08-31-2014, 09:22 AM
 
17 posts, read 21,967 times
Reputation: 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by randomparent View Post
Your comment about the parent who has the problem solving the problem is very insightful. I like it! On the other hand, sometimes children are hesitant to reveal the source of poor behavior to the parent involved in a major conflict. In our family, our daughter, in particular, is more likely to open up to her father in the aftermath of an argument with me. He's much better at getting to the bottom of things when tempers flare, which facilitates a faster resolution than if I tried to handle it myself.
I think there is nothing wrong as long as the parents are on the same page! And hes facilitating your resolution ... not (as the OPs hubby did) being a shoulder to cry on and then teaming up with the kid to attack the mom .... I wasn't critizing you ... sorry if it came across that way
 
Old 08-31-2014, 10:02 AM
 
Location: Loudon, TN
4,980 posts, read 4,268,326 times
Reputation: 16551
I sent my 11-year old step-son to his room mid-dinner for making disgusting (bathroom related) comments re: the appearance of something on his plate (already had received a first warning 2 minutes earlier). Both he and DH were stunned. I told him he could sit in his room and eat nothing if that is the type of talk that he thinks is appropriate at the table. He came out on his own 15 minutes later and apologized. He said that he was sorry and was just trying to be funny. I told him that was fine, but that he had received a specific warning and still persisted and that his punishment would stand because in our family we stand by what we say. He had said that the food was disgusting looking, so he didn't have to (get to) eat any of it, he would have to stand by what he'd said. I had said no dinner, and I was going to stand by that. Nobody died.

edited to add: He apologized again the next morning and said that I am a good cook and that his mother never cooked for him and he really appreciated that I made him dinner everyday. Then I felt like cr@p.
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