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And this was a preteen who started a power play over assisting with dinner prep by mouthing off..therefore also a power play. Food was a secondary effect of the power play.
There are so many other ways to deal with a mouthy teen that don't deny them their basic right to exist.
The poster just a bit before this mentioned how they removed their kid from the table and had them eat separately or after the family was done...and it was mentioned quite a few times earlier in this thread. That addresses the actual issue.
What is your goal in denying a teenager food when they cop an attitude? Is it to teach the kid how to behave...or just prove that the teenager is a lesser human and can denied food and care if the parent gets into a snit?
Believe me....I get that preteens and teens need to be kept in check with their attitude. It's the age that they are going to push limits and are finding their voice. It's up to a parent to make sure that the teen knows where the limits are and that they learn to express their emotions (negative and positive) in a polite and respectful way. It's a pain at times. However, it takes patience and common sense....not telling them that because of their mistake they aren't worth being fed or in the OPs case, even after apologizing for what they did wrong, being told that they the parent can't stand to be in the same room as them.
No Kudzu, 12 is just the beginning of teenage hormones. You've got almost 6+ years of teenager girl hormones to deal with, this is nothing compared to when she is age 15/16. If you're hurting like this now, wait until she is almost legal...Don't try to clamp down on her, because the more you do that, the more she will rebel...
And this was a preteen who started a power play over assisting with dinner prep by mouthing off..therefore also a power play. Food was a secondary effect of the power play.
One might say that food was a 'natural consequence' of the action.
Remember how popular natural consequences used to be?
At that age, do whatever works. And what works with one, does not always work with the other child.
That age is the start of some real big issues.
Best advice that I ever got is, Use few words....do not let them push your buttons so that you get into an argument....Be matter of fact...They do this, this happens, consequences....nothing personal, pure business.
That at least diffuses some of the drama that comes with the back and forth stuff that kids get into when you try to reason with them. Just state what is going to happen, stand firm and do it....They catch on very fast lol
As far as no dinner....I would perhaps say Go to your room, when you can apologize you may join us for dinner. You got to give them a consequence, but also give them the opportunity to make amends....in essence, they are then choosing their own consequence...if they apologize, they are back in the kitchen, maybe they do dishes, instead, since they didn't want to help earlier...or sweep....age appropriate stuff...it helps them grow.
Never, ever say something personal, or ugly to your child if you are angry....that is hurtful, and teaches them to abuse others verbally....
My rule of thumb, if I wouldn't want my own Mom to hear me say it, I certainly didn't say it to my child. And parenting can be hard.....we are human, sometimes parents want to blow, it feels like a thankless job some days....But, everything you do now, is what she will do later......Think well ahead about any interaction when you get angry. It will get better
Well softie Daddy came back down and told me about their conversation. She had all sorts of excuses, none of which made any sense since this has been ongoing for about a year. "new school year, new locker, l new teacher, doesn't like her shoes, bla bla bla." He asked if I was making enough for everybody which of course I still was. Then he said she knows she needs to apologize and she understand why I was so angry. Then he said "can she come down?" I asked if she even wants to and apparently she did cause she did come down, muttered some sort of half assed apology "sorry". I told her I wasn't going to let her be disrespectful to me anymore and I had every intention of not seeing her again till morning. Then I removed myself and had my supper in front of the evening news.
The thing is...I remember being forced to sit and eat with the family when I was so upset. My father was a tyrant. I would have given anything if I was allowed to leave the table or even forfeit supper but I had to sit there and eat every bite while crying and choking. It was miserable. No wonder I have abdominal problems my whole life.
I post this only out of real interest in helping....not trying to upset you. But...Sorry......I think your attitude was poor....removing yourself? What you model you teach. Do not take everything personally....otherwise you will have a horrific time over the teen years, as 12 is just the start. You may be projecting what you went through, which does not belong in your relationship with your children.....Be better than that
No Kudzu, 12 is just the beginning of teenage hormones. You've got almost 6+ years of teenager girl hormones to deal with, this is nothing compared to when she is age 15/16. If you're hurting like this now, wait until she is almost legal...Don't try to clamp down on her, because the more you do that, the more she will rebel...
NK has two grown children as well. I don't think this is news to her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ringo1
One might say that food was a 'natural consequence' of the action.
Remember how popular natural consequences used to be?
Yes. That "method" and the many like it reminds me of the adage "Simple, elegant, and absolutely wrong".
"For every problem, there exists a simple and elegant solution which is absolutely wrong." -- J. Wagoner, U.C.B. Mathematics
Quote:
Originally Posted by JanND
I post this only out of real interest in helping....not trying to upset you. But...Sorry......I think your attitude was poor....removing yourself? What you model you teach. Do not take everything personally....otherwise you will have a horrific time over the teen years, as 12 is just the start. You may be projecting what you went through, which does not belong in your relationship with your children.....Be better than that
Oh, come on! "Poor attitude"!? What's wrong with removing oneself from a difficult situation? "Projecting"? That's "pop psychology".
NK has two grown children as well. I don't think this is news to her.
Oh, come on! "Poor attitude"!? What's wrong with removing oneself from a difficult situation? "Projecting"? That's "pop psychology".
After the child was allowed to return to the table....refusing to sit with her there is passive aggressive. Yet another "pop" psychology term? Especially since as you stated, she has raised two children to adulthood, this behavior isn't news to her. Not good modeling imo.......Projecting due to her own past is a possibility, why else mention her own childhood experiences in this context. Something to be considered. Opinions and are being shared by all of us. I respect that over snarking anytime.
Washing a childs mouth out with soap I once saw done by a teacher at primary school to a boy from a lousy background who came to school dirty and spoke in a course way.. the child have enough problems and this evil woman made him physically sick by doing this with soap... nowaday she would be charged and rightly so.. was she so ignorant not to know the dangers of whats in soap or what she was doing to this child by mocking him in front of classmates who already had him alienated,I sometimes wonder about people like her who lacked emotion or understanding... to do such a cruel thing... another thing I could never have thought of doing to a child..
Wow, this brought back memories. I was in the first grade at a private school and was doodling in my book during class. The headmistress taught the class and she busted me. When she asked me if I was paying attention and I said "Yes," she showed the class my book and the doodles, and pronounced I was a liar. She took me to the bathroom where there were boxes of toothbrushes, and she made me scrub the toothbrush on the soap, then scrub my teeth with it. Then she locked me in there for an hour. When I got let out, it was lunch time. To this day I remember grabbing the bag of plain Lays potato chips and then crying at how the salt burned my gums because of the brand-new hard toothbrush and scouring soap.
My mother had that witch's head on a platter the next day.
After the child was allowed to return to the table....refusing to sit with her there is passive aggressive. Yet another "pop" psychology term? Especially since as you stated, she has raised two children to adulthood, this behavior isn't news to her. Not good modeling imo.......Projecting due to her own past is a possibility, why else mention her own childhood experiences in this context. Something to be considered. Opinions and are being shared by all of us. I respect that over snarking anytime.
The OP specifically said she was not asking for advice, and has left the thread d/t "advice" such as yours.
The OP specifically said she was not asking for advice, and has left the thread d/t "advice" such as yours.
You know Nokudzu is a big girl....she doesn't need you to defend her from those that think she handled this badly. You don't post things online and not expect to get replies.
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