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My mom and dad never married. He pretty much freaked when he found out my mom was pregnant and bailed.
Showed up for my 2nd birthday then again when I was 9 and couldn't even stop smoking cigarettes around my then 4 year old brother who was very sensitive to it. I haven't seen or heard from him since unless you count the time he made a fake MySpace profile pretending to be some hs football player in attempts to get information about my location. I wouldn't even know what he looks like.
He got married, I have a half sister, she's probably close in age with my brother.
My grandmother showed me a letter he had written that my mom never showed me. She always told me if I ever wanted to talk to him that I could but that he was a terrible person.
Drugs, getting arrested, etc. I never wanted contact and I still don't think I do.
However he is old now so it could have changed.
However my grandmother showed that letter and it's been on my mind. My mom has no idea I've seen this particular letter so I can't tell her.
What would you say to your child in this situation?
What would you advise?
FWIW TG and I have discussed it before and he thinks I should.
You are going to get lots of different answers to your question honey, and many will be based on personal bias due to similar experience so just keep that in mind.
I think the thing to do is first identify what your goal here is.
Are you just curious about what he looks like? Or do you harbor some desire to have a relationship with him?
Do you need some kind of closure to help you forgive him and move on, or are you just angry and want to demand answers?
See...your priority here will determine whether or not reaching out to him is a healthy thing to do, or an unhealthy thing to do.
So, what would you hope to accomplish by speaking to him now?
I have a uninvolved father as well and if he showed up wanting a relationship today he would be way more than a day late and a dollar short. I guess it depends on what you are looking to get out of it.
I guess that I'm just curious as to who he is now. I mean he is part of me and I have no pictures and I know nothing. Maybe I don't exactly oppose to finding out who he is.
I guess that I'm just curious as to who he is now. I mean he is part of me and I have no pictures and I know nothing. Maybe I don't exactly oppose to finding out who he is.
I think if you go in with zero expectations you may walk away with a lot more than you walked in with. Good luck!
I guess that I'm just curious as to who he is now. I mean he is part of me and I have no pictures and I know nothing. Maybe I don't exactly oppose to finding out who he is.
That is perfectly reasonable and normal. There are always two sides to every story and your mom's version won't be the same as his.
Just do as Riley suggested and keep an open mind but don't have high expectations for anything or you will be disappointed.
This will also open up a whole bunch of other crap. Like his mother wanted to be super involved with me and I was around her a few times and all She did was try to buy me with things I had no interest in.
An "uninvolved" father is the man who goes to work every day to keep a roof over his family, and food on the table, and pays the bills. But he sits in a chair after work, uninvolved with his kids. Doesn't play with them, or pay them much attention, just works and supports them, and comes home every night.
This man wasn't an "uninvolved" father. He abandoned you. And from what your family says, you were far better off that he wasn't there.
Don't go looking for him. God forbid you should find him - he might do you some serious harm. This man provided the sperm that fertilized your mother's egg. He is not a father, at least not to you.
I knew a girl who when she turned 18, went looking for the father that her family had warned her about. She found him, and he wound up enticing her into a sexual relationship, and she got pregnant, and had an abortion, and left. Now she, too, knew what a horrible person he was, just as her family had told her. She would have been far better off to have accepted what they had said.
An "uninvolved" father is the man who goes to work every day to keep a roof over his family, and food on the table, and pays the bills. But he sits in a chair after work, uninvolved with his kids. Doesn't play with them, or pay them much attention, just works and supports them, and comes home every night.
This man wasn't an "uninvolved" father. He abandoned you. And from what your family says, you were far better off that he wasn't there.
Don't go looking for him. God forbid you should find him - he might do you some serious harm. This man provided the sperm that fertilized your mother's egg. He is not a father, at least not to you.
I knew a girl who when she turned 18, went looking for the father that her family had warned her about. She found him, and he wound up enticing her into a sexual relationship, and she got pregnant, and had an abortion, and left. Now she, too, knew what a horrible person he was, just as her family had told her. She would have been far better off to have accepted what they had said.
Except that she had to be very very stupid. Dear God are you kidding?
I would not seek him out. Leave him alone. Move on with your life.
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