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Please don't adopt or have kids with your present state of mind/understanding of family dynamics/unresolved issues.
Get some counseling first. Your motivation for adoption is not a healthy thing.
I'm SO in agreement here!
AND, you, OP, cannot even 'get it' until 'bout 60 seconds after your OWN child is born into this world...then suddenly you will 'get it'...what parenting IS. Then, you'll be scrambling to find out WHAT the HECK DO I DO???
The thing your parents HAVE done so right, is they remain your PARENTS and not your friends, and they continue to pursue your love and affection even though YOU have (IMHO) treated them shamefully for years. I'd say, like the others, get yourself some therapy. You are SO FAR on the 'far side' of the control pendulum you cannot see any middle ground. Another 'decade' in your life and you will be REthinking the word 'family' and wishing you HAD some close to you.
I would suggest NOT having any kids til you 'fix' your control issues (they ARE yours and not your parents). Otherwise, I promise, you will put all of your 'control garbage' onto innocent kids...and they have enough to deal with in the World today.
My GMa (who truly was my 'mother') used to send me snail mail (no internet back in the 80s) newspaper clippings, coupons, a $5. bill or more, a little Easter Basket or Trick 'r Treat candies (I was middle 30-someting then) and make little notations in the side-bars for me, living 1000 miles away. THANK GOD that I kept many of them, as today I would give ANYTHING for one more newspaper clipping or even a $5. bill with her scribbled, "I love you more than all the stars in the Universe" on it. I'd give everything I have for a hug! I can hardly type this without crying.
Your parents have one another and I hope other kids to dote on. YOU, friend, are the one who is missing out and will end up alone and lonely, regardless of a wife, or a pet, or adopted kids (an awful thing to do to a child who is alone and gets adopted, by the way).
Thank you for the replies. Some of the backlash against me is what I expected. In the future I expect to be looked on like the one who has the issues if I try to deny biological grandparent visitation. Only a few other replies on this thread really seem to know what it is like to be the only child of overbearing parents who continue into adulthood.
Quote:
Originally Posted by convextech
Move to a state that does not have a grandchildren visitation law.
I moved to my dream city and perfect area for me. I have an awesome job. The outdoor activities here are perfect for me. My parents are far away. I own a home here (which unfortunately makes it very easy for my parents/private eye to find me through public records search - my state will only block those records if I have police reports saying my safety may be compromised). No plans to move. I am happy here.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mooksmom
The thing your parents HAVE done so right, is they remain your PARENTS and not your friends,
There is a time to let go. One should raise your children the best one can, and then set them free to make their own life decisions. More than ten years after college and still getting reminded to pay my April 15th taxes and to make a dental cleaning appointments??!! Tip of the iceberg.
Dad wants to know what car I am driving so he can check it on the highway safety list. If I told him what car I drive, it will never be good enough. I'd get recall information and negative reviews. Heck, I could tell him I drive the exact make/model/year of his car, and I would get a do as I say, not as I do lecture. Then there's Mom wanting grandchildren and sending me specific qualities to look for in a mate. If my future mate doesn't have a four year college education, she would be pestered by my Mom to enroll. My mom would mail her college catalogues and make little biting comments.
I have told them to stop. Yet they continue. They won't change. This is why I moved far away. Yet, I know they will move nearby me if I had a biological grandchild of theirs. NO! The cycle ends here. They will not be overbearing to anymore children if I have a say. Adopting has always been an interest of mine, and now seems to be my strong preference instead of biological offspring. Many ladies my age want to adopt instead too, as child birth becomes more risky in the mid 30s.
When my adopted children grow up past 18, I will set them free when they choose to make their own way. No more advice unless they are specifically asking it from me. I will become their friend if they choose. Or they can cut me off without having me contact them, if that's their choice. They will be free to raise their own children the way they see fit.
Note: I am self-supporting and have never asked for anything from them since graduating college at 22. Yes, they helped pay about a quarter of my expenses (I got a partial scholarship based on my own academic achievements). The rest I paid by loans, pell grants, and 20 hour a week work-study jobs all throughout college. Since then I have not returned to live at home, ask them for money, or need them to bail me out of anything. They raised me to be responsible, but time has long passed for them to let go.
Control requires proximity. You are in a good place now. You are independent. I see nothing wrong with your side of this strange relationship. You are actually in control. Use your control wisely.
There is a time to let go. One should raise your children the best one can, and then set them free to make their own life decisions. More than ten years after college and still getting reminded to pay my April 15th taxes and to make a dental cleaning appointments??!! Tip of the iceberg.
Does it cross your mind that they do these things out of love and habit? I imagine you are instead hearing that you are an immature, irresponsible child who cannot be trusted to function in the world without their meddling? You can have a relationship with your parents but there is a middle ground where you learn to set healthy boundaries. Lots of people have parents like yours. Most of us just take what they say with a grain of salt, roll our eyes, and carry on as normal. Look, I get it. My mother in law was very much like your parents the first few years my husband and I were married. As you gain in confidence and maturity, you'll hopefully come to realize that their need to feel like they are in control is about them; not you. And now as a parent of a teenager, I can assure you that my job won't be done when my kids turn 18. As an adoptive parent, I can assure you the social workers will rake you over the coals in regards to your family dynamic.
I don't know your reasons for wanting to maintain distance from your parents and I wouldn't presume to judge whether those were good reasons or not. You're not under any obligation to tell them when you marry or have children, though.
My husband decided he didn't want any further contact with his mother before I met him. He had been abused, mentally and physically. We lived 10 miles from his mother for ten years and she didn't know anything about us or our children. Then one day he randomly decided to go see his mother and try to form some kind of relationship with her so that our kids could know their grandmother. It was a nice thing to try to do, but he wasn't ready. He couldn't eat in the same room with her and he flinched every time she moved. We saw her once a year until this past summer, when he decided he couldn't see her anymore. He was worried that the kids would be upset, but they admitted that their nickname for her is "Scary Mary" which says a lot, considering that one of their grandparents on my side of the family is a paranoid schizophrenic and they're not scared of that grandparent. They were glad not to have to see his mother anymore.
I kind of see where you are coming from. Kind of. I also have a mom who wouldn't treat me like an adult. Even after I was married and had kids, she criticized my parenting and worried about my interactions with others, as if it was still a reflection on her, or something.
It is hard to say if you went overboard by becoming estranged from them. If you don't have any contact with them, I kind of doubt they'll just show up and demand to see the grand kids. You are right that they won't change, but you need to live your life. Don't not have kids because of how your parents might act.
ETA my parents are way different with my kids than they were with me. They may not try to control your kids even if they spend time with them.
Last edited by Kibbiekat; 05-07-2015 at 06:03 PM..
I am my moms only child. Every one around me considers he smothering. But shes my mom. I deal with it because I love here. Now I have my son I get I really get it. My parents are not my friends they are my parents and I like it that way. I know they dont tell me just what I want to hear at least my father does my mom likes to sugar coat things. My mom calls me and if I am out after dark she gets worried. Once she made me stay on the phone I was walking to my car from a night shift at work and she would not get off until i started my car and when I started driving she had me transfer her too bluetooth. My mother is the most annoying person in the world but I love her soo much. Soo much I bought a coop in her building (I kind of regret that) lol). Is what she saying just critical or constructive? Does she sound like a worried mother? Now my mother-in-law tries to guilt me into things but it doesnt work so much. My mom and dad talk a lot but they back it up If I have a goal they have a step by step way to get me to that goal and my husband b/c he is family now. My mother in law is critical but what she says is mean like mouth dropping mean.
I have seen this a lot some terrible parents at least according to their kids be awesome grandparents. Their relationship may and probably will be completely different. Its only the case of you dealing with them. Dont have children until you reach some common ground.
Last edited by allnaturalkiki; 05-07-2015 at 06:14 PM..
Thank you for the replies. Some of the backlash against me is what I expected. In the future I expect to be looked on like the one who has the issues if I try to deny biological grandparent visitation. Only a few other replies on this thread really seem to know what it is like to be the only child of overbearing parents who continue into adulthood.
I moved to my dream city and perfect area for me. I have an awesome job. The outdoor activities here are perfect for me. My parents are far away. I own a home here (which unfortunately makes it very easy for my parents/private eye to find me through public records search - my state will only block those records if I have police reports saying my safety may be compromised). No plans to move. I am happy here.
There is a time to let go. One should raise your children the best one can, and then set them free to make their own life decisions. More than ten years after college and still getting reminded to pay my April 15th taxes and to make a dental cleaning appointments??!! Tip of the iceberg.
Dad wants to know what car I am driving so he can check it on the highway safety list. If I told him what car I drive, it will never be good enough. I'd get recall information and negative reviews. Heck, I could tell him I drive the exact make/model/year of his car, and I would get a do as I say, not as I do lecture. Then there's Mom wanting grandchildren and sending me specific qualities to look for in a mate. If my future mate doesn't have a four year college education, she would be pestered by my Mom to enroll. My mom would mail her college catalogues and make little biting comments.
I have told them to stop. Yet they continue. They won't change. This is why I moved far away. Yet, I know they will move nearby me if I had a biological grandchild of theirs. NO! The cycle ends here. They will not be overbearing to anymore children if I have a say. Adopting has always been an interest of mine, and now seems to be my strong preference instead of biological offspring. Many ladies my age want to adopt instead too, as child birth becomes more risky in the mid 30s.
When my adopted children grow up past 18, I will set them free when they choose to make their own way. No more advice unless they are specifically asking it from me. I will become their friend if they choose. Or they can cut me off without having me contact them, if that's their choice. They will be free to raise their own children the way they see fit.
Note: I am self-supporting and have never asked for anything from them since graduating college at 22. Yes, they helped pay about a quarter of my expenses (I got a partial scholarship based on my own academic achievements). The rest I paid by loans, pell grants, and 20 hour a week work-study jobs all throughout college. Since then I have not returned to live at home, ask them for money, or need them to bail me out of anything. They raised me to be responsible, but time has long passed for them to let go.
My parents do everything your do and more. I have caught my mom secretly re ironing my clothes in my closet because I didn't do it right. She gave me all the unwanted parenting advice in the world. My father calls me everyday to just talk about nothing. I know they love me and thats why they do it. I will always be their little girl to them. Sometimes it annoying but sometimes its nice to know you have people on your side in your conner. You kind of sound like a ungrateful brat. Unless they are abusive in anyway or steal from you or something generally awful. Cut them some slack and go to a therapist. Don't bring new people in this world.
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