Sister in law won't let my wife watch their kids (sitter, ideas)
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After a bad divorce a few years ago, I met a really great woman who has 4 adult children of her own from a previous marriage. She really loves kids and is an excellent mother. She brings their kids presents when we visit and always makes it a point to talk to them and sit with them. She even helps get their plates ready and does so much to help out. She totally understands what it is like to have young children. Every time she asks my brothers wife when she can have their kids over to our house for either a sleep over or go to take them somewhere (like a playground, movie, etc) the excuse is she has to ask her husband and ultimately the answer is always pushed off and not really answered. At a recent family gathering she asks my sister in front of her husband (my brother) and he didn't seem to mind but she chimes in and stated that they have plans the few days that my wife suggested. She then excused himself from the table and my wife felt very offended but left it at that. The rest of the time was fine, but whenever the conversation shifts to the kids, my brothers wife gets very uncomfortable (you can see it on her face). My wife is an excellent caregiver and has so much experience with children. She just wants their children to be comfortable with her because she really misses when her kids were that age, and after all they are her nieces and nephew. Now that the holiday season is here, my wife wants to take the kids Christmas shopping at the mall and to see Santa. I am not sure the correct way for us to approach them in regards to this. I asked my brother awhile back if there was a problem between his wife and my wife and he said he didn't think so. My wife really wants to call her and point blank ask if she just doesn't trust her or what the deal is. My wife is very trustworthy and it really irks her that there is this doubt cast upon her. Any advice would be appreciated.
As the mother of four adult children, your wife knows very well that a parent is the final authority on their children. Your sister in law (and her husband) have the final say on who does what with their kids. So if she doesn't want your wife to watch them, that's the answer. Period.
I would recommend that your wife stop asking to watch their kids, but continue being a good person to them. ("Them" being the kids, though it would apply to the adults as well.) They will surely come to like her, and enjoy being with her, and eventually they'll probably start asking their parents to let them do more stuff with her.
Why does your wife want to watch your brother's kids so badly? Why can't she take no for an answer? That in and of itself is a red flag to me. You guys asked, you got an answer, it's just not the answer you wanted. But, your brother and SIL don't have to justify their parenting decisions to you. There could be any number of reasons why your SIL isn't comfortable leaving her kids with your wife. That's her prerogative.
I think you need to drop the issue. If your wife is desperate to watch kids then she should set up a profile on care.com or sitter city.
Why does your wife want to watch your brother's kids so badly? Why can't she take no for an answer? That in and of itself is a red flag to me. You guys asked, you got an answer, it's just not the answer you wanted. But, your brother and SIL don't have to justify their parenting decisions to you. There could be any number of reasons why your SIL isn't comfortable leaving her kids with your wife. That's her prerogative.
I think you need to drop the issue. If your wife is desperate to watch kids then she should set up a profile on care.com or sitter city.
I think she just wants to feel included in their family. She loves their kids dearly, and wants to be involved in their life
As the mother of four adult children, your wife knows very well that a parent is the final authority on their children. Your sister in law (and her husband) have the final say on who does what with their kids. So if she doesn't want your wife to watch them, that's the answer. Period.
I would recommend that your wife stop asking to watch their kids, but continue being a good person to them. ("Them" being the kids, though it would apply to the adults as well.) They will surely come to like her, and enjoy being with her, and eventually they'll probably start asking their parents to let them do more stuff with her.
The kids like her already, and when my wife brings up the idea of her bringing them somewhere they get really excited about it.
I completely trust my sister-in-law. To the point where I have named her as the caretaker of my children in my will should my husband and I pass when they are still young, and also named her as beneficiary to all of my life insurance and retirement, to help with raising my kids should that happen.
That said, if my sister-in-law ever asked to have my kids over without me for a sleep over or go take them somewhere like a playground, movie, or mall to see Santa, my answer would be no. It has nothing to do with my trust in her. It has to do with the fact that I want to spend time with my own kids, and I'm not going to give up my limited time so my sister-in-law can have them to herself. If she wants to see my kids, then I'm coming too, because I want to see my kids too, and I get priority.
In just a few years, I will hardly ever see them because they will be out and about at practices and friend's houses, and a few years after that they will be gone. This is my time. Your wife had her time. I know she misses it. But it's not your sister-in-laws responsibility to help your wife feel better by sacrificing time with her own kids. Sorry.
My advice? Get your wife a pet. Something she can love and will love her back and make her feel needed. Also, you can suggest to your wife that she invites the kids AND the mom if she really wants to hang out with them. That may go over better.
I think she just wants to feel included in their family. She loves their kids dearly, and wants to be involved in their life
She doesn't need to take the kids for that to happen.
Taking the kids to the mall to see Santa? That's something parents do, not the aunt who doesn't know how to take no for an answer. They don't need to explain themselves to you.
Tell your wife to stop pushing the issues. You and your wife seem to get the hint that they don't want what your wife wants. It's their kids, their decision.. Not yours.
Quote:
The kids like her already, and when my wife brings up the idea of her bringing them somewhere they get really excited about it.
Maybe your wife should be discussing those things with their parents first before putting ideas in the kids head.
She doesn't need to take the kids for that to happen.
Taking the kids to the mall to see Santa? That's something parents do, not the aunt who doesn't know how to take no for an answer. They don't need to explain themselves to you.
Exactly. The bolded, especially. No one is going to take my daughter to see Santa except my husband and I.
OP, I get that your wife misses having young kids, but that really isn't your SIL's concern or problem. Your wife also doesn't need to have alone time with someone else's kids. If she wants to spend more time with her nieces and nephews, she should include your brother and SIL.
I like PKbab5's suggestion of having your wife invite the kids and their mom as a first step. See where it goes from there.
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