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Has anyone used grandparents as daycare? What was your experience?
DH doesn’t want to send LO to daycare when my leave is over but wants grandparents to watch the baby instead. I’m not a fan of this as I think it will lead to issues. My MIL already thinks baby belongs to her. I feel like having her watch him a few times a week will further feed into her belief. My main concern is she will think she can do whatever she wants because she’s a third parent. And it will cause me to resent her and always worry when I’m at work.
If you used grandparents, how did you set boundaries? Please reassure me it’s a positive thing!
I didn't go back to work after my first child was born, but I still had issues with MIL ignoring my instructions and telling me what to do with the baby. There is nothing that could have convinced me, as a first-time mom of an infant, to use her as a daycare provider.
For me, the lines in the sand that I needed MIL to follow were: feeding baby an appropriate amount and not foods I didn't yet want her to have, adhering to her nap/sleep schedule, and not putting her in front of the TV.
Everything else was unimportant (how she dressed the baby, whether she gave her a bath in the morning or evening, etc.), but I was not willing to compromise on those three things because messing them up adversely affected my daughter's well-being. MIL made it clear that she thought I was being an uptight and nitpicky killjoy who didn't want her to enjoy her granddaughter, and she refused to follow my instructions. She thought it was fine to give a 6-month-old Oreos, and that's just the beginning. So, the bottom line turned out to be that for the first couple of years, she watched my daughter only on very short and well-spaced-out occasions.
So, I think you need to work out what is really most important to you in a daycare provider and whether or not MIL will comply with those things. A daycare isn't going to do absolutely everything the exact way you would, either, but what matters is whether the things they do differently are things you can live with.
I have friends who had grandparents watch their baby, and those grandparents were absolutely scrupulous about following the parents' wishes. I think that's unusual, frankly.
Has anyone used grandparents as daycare? What was your experience?
DH doesn’t want to send LO to daycare when my leave is over but wants grandparents to watch the baby instead. I’m not a fan of this as I think it will lead to issues. My MIL already thinks baby belongs to her. I feel like having her watch him a few times a week will further feed into her belief. My main concern is she will think she can do whatever she wants because she’s a third parent. And it will cause me to resent her and always worry when I’m at work.
If you used grandparents, how did you set boundaries? Please reassure me it’s a positive thing!
Why does your husband think these things WON'T happen? If he can't convince you that you are overreacting and help you see why these things aren't true, then it would be a complete disaster to have the grandparents watch the baby.
I've watched my MIL completely undo all parenting efforts with 3 different kids. Well, the 3rd is only a year old and only gets 1 day a week with her, I'm assuming they paid attention to what happened with the Other 2 kids (different family).
The worst was the first kid, she taught him that Anytime there was a gift or treat, it was his birthday. For 2 years he was enabled (by her and her alone) to act like this despite the other 6 of us saying it was bad, and the parents complaining about how they couldn't take him to other kids B0-day parties because he'd go into tantrum mode. At some point it stopped, but I'm not privy to what made it stop. She still spoils that child rotten and I know his parents hate it... but they also are one paycheck from financial ruin and can't afford any other option (never mind they're adults with children and NOT parents).
Just because something is easy, doesn't mean it's right. I grew up with 1~2 weeks of grandparent time a year (lived 1,000 miles away from both sides), I absolutely would *NOT* trade those experiences for weekly visits. I can still, vividly, remember those visits starting at age 4, they were such Unique and joyous experiences.
Child-care in Portland-metro area is expensive - almost $12k a year for commercial care, and several thousand for home care.. and most private sitters charge even for absences. So many new mothers stop working for a few years rather than pay it. I knew several that did that. One would have liked for her retired parents to babysit but they didn't want to (not all of them are interested... and I wouldn't be if I had a g-child).
I imagine it can be very frustrating when a grandparent insists on doing things her way and not respect expectations, but I had outside sitters do the very same thing. It does not mean that it has to ruin everyone's lives, though. Maybe you should give it a try with some understandings up front and see if it's workable. Can always change your mind, although it could very well cause some discord. Just make sure you can afford the health care.
I’d only rely on grandparents as daycare if I absolutely had to. My grandmother was our babysitter for quite a few years and I hated it because we didn’t get to have the type of relationship with her that our cousins had. It really wasn’t fair to her either. Good child care isn’t cheap, but I’m more than willing to pay for it, and let the grandparents have fun with them.
I think it's a mixed bag. My friend tried it for a while with her 4 year-old son, but the grandmother kept spoiling him with treats and candy even though my friend asked her to limit it to a "once in a while" thing. It got to the point where the kid was gaining excess weight and my friend got tired of her MIL not respecting her wishes. She ended up hiring a part-time nanny, and was much happier in the end.
My mom watched our younger son for the first year after I went back to work. Unlike some of the other experiences, it went very well, as she was very reasonable and respectful of our wishes, and did fun things with him like trips to the zoo, aquarium, reading to/playing with him, etc.
Although I appreciated our son being able to stay home with a loving family member during his infant months, it did mean that my mom was exhausted and needed weekends for her own use, so using my parents for weekend/evening babysitting or an overnight away was not an option during that year. I think my mom and I both like it better now, where our son goes to a hired child care provider, and Grandma just gets to be Grandma. Son is also now older, and gets the benefit of socialization with other kids, and eventually preschool curriculum.
Probably wiser to send your child to daycare and reserve the grandparents for fun bonding time on weekends or occasionally babysitting considering your feelings and concerns.
I'd go with daycare. First off, does he really think his parents want to babysit all day 5 days a week? They've raised their children already. Daycare offers opportunities that grandparents cannot offer. Socialization is a HUGE deal. Save the grandparents for a date night or once in awhile thing.
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