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I'm going to comment about what to tell the "underage" kids, with the youngest of the underage kids being 12 years old.
Unless your daughters are developmentally disabled, you should tell them everything you would tell an adult. There is nothing to hold back. They are fully, emotionally aware people who know about these things. You are deluding yourself if you think they have lived, and should continue to live fully shielded from the realities of life.
Unless there is a message of clear intent, I don't think it's necessary to jump to the conclusion that he did this on purpose. Stick with the facts: he took more medication than he should have and it led to his death. Anything else is speculation. You don't know. You might believe, but you don't know.
Last edited by randomparent; 05-04-2018 at 10:59 PM..
Yes, I agree. I hope my sister and my mother don't talk about it to anybody else either. I don't know what my sister is planning on doing with my nieces but I really don't want it getting out.
Your sister isn't around, so she can't tell your nieces now. If/when she comes out, that's a different story.
Quote:
Originally Posted by randomparent
Ken, first let me express my heartfelt sympathy to you. I am so sorry to learn that you are going through this. I do not believe this is the time and place to air your grievances with your mother and sister. Focus on your own family. I agree with a previous poster who suggested that you report the physical effects of his overdose by saying simply that his heart or respiratory system failed as a result of taking too much of his prescribed medication at once. There will be time to tell them the rest of the story later.
Quote:
Originally Posted by randomparent
Unless there is a message of clear intent, I don't think it's necessary to jump to the conclusion that he did this on purpose. Stick with the facts: he took more medication than he should have and it led to his death. Anything else is speculation. You don't know. You might believe, but you don't know.
I agree with these two posts. And for those who are saying the kids need to know for reasons of medical history, etc, I don't think they need to know right now. 12 is young, and the OP hasn't said how old the older child is. Maybe he can tell us. I will say this, looking back from the vantage point of having raised two to adulthood, they're not always as "adult" as they may seem WRT their thinking.
just because your sister isn't willing to live her life according to your terms doesn't make her a bad person. but that's off topic for this parenting question. In this case, the relevance of your sister is that she and her children will know the truth about your father's suicide which means that sooner rather than later (and likely sooner if your children spend time with their cousins) your daughters will find out too.
And frankly, I think wanting to keep it secret means you are the one stigmatizing suicide and making it seem as if it's something shameful, something to be embarrassed about. It's not. It's a very tragic expression of your father's depression. It's sad, not shameful.
My sister and her family live in New York, so we see them in person only about once a year, twice at the very most. But with social media and texting and all that I really have no way of guaranteeing the girls won't find out
I'm not trying to stigmatize suicide, I am very sorry if that's how I came across. What I was trying to say was that for two (12 year old and 17 year old) girls, that may be hard to understand.
If it helps, I have a sister-in-law from h-e-double hockey sticks. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law have similar self-centered personalities. I've often wondered if it is genetic personality trait rather than a learned environmental behavior or a choice.
I would not be surprised if you and your father had similar personality genes and your sister and mother share different genes.
Ken, you have my deepest sympathies. I can only imagine how hard all of this is to deal with.
Is there a trusted guidance counselor at the school your 12-year-old goes to? They might have advice about how to deal with this.
I hesitate to give any advice because I am not a parent and have not been in a situation quite like this before, but I'll say a couple of things nonetheless. I do agree with those who say that you should not try to hide it from her--unless, perhaps, she has mental health issues, too (I might have missed something in the discussion). Because realistically you can't guarantee she will not be told, please consider determining what the best, gentlest way for her to learn this tragic news will be and then doing that. It surely won't be easy, and there will be no way to protect her from the pain. But if you don't do this, she is certain to learn it in an even more harmful manner, out of your control.
You clearly care for your daughters.
The only reason why I'm this hesitant is because I love them more than anything
Your sister isn't around, so she can't tell your nieces now. If/when she comes out, that's a different story.
I agree with these two posts. And for those who are saying the kids need to know for reasons of medical history, etc, I don't think they need to know right now. 12 is young, and the OP hasn't said how old the older child is. Maybe he can tell us. I will say this, looking back from the vantage point of having raised two to adulthood, they're not always as "adult" as they may seem WRT their thinking.
She's 17. My problem isn't really with telling my eldest daughter and she already knows about a lot. I'm still rather hesitant though. My youngest daughter doesn't know nearly as much as we haven't let her in on a lot of things so if I tell my eldest daughter she's definitely going to tell her sister. Even by mistake and by letting it slip out.
Also, I'm having the issue of my eldest daughter wanting to visit my dad at the hospital to say one last goodbye to him. She brought it up today over dinner and I didn't know what to say so I just said we'll think about it. Should I let her see him?
And yeah I only see her in person once a year but like I said earlier with social media/texting/phones etc. it doesn't make much of a difference.
Last edited by kenneth.24; 05-05-2018 at 12:57 AM..
Ken, first let me express my heartfelt sympathy to you. I am so sorry to learn that you are going through this. I do not believe this is the time and place to air your grievances with your mother and sister. Focus on your own family. I agree with a previous poster who suggested that you report the physical effects of his overdose by saying simply that his heart or respiratory system failed as a result of taking too much of his prescribed medication at once. There will be time to tell them the rest of the story later.
Thank you for your kind words and for the support, it is all greatly valued and means a lot to me.
While saying that may be sufficient enough for my youngest daughter, my daughter Daniella will definitely infer the insinuation if I mention he took too many of his meds.
I'm actually beyond furious at his nurse for letting this happen, she was supposed to take care of him at all times. That's why my dad payed her $2,500 a month and why we hired her for him in the first place. I feel like this is greatly unacceptable on her part and I confronted her about it when I first got to the hospital, but I guess I must have been a bit too intense because she just burst into tears and said she was 'really sorry' about 20 times and then left.
Unless your daughters are developmentally disabled, you should tell them everything you would tell an adult. There is nothing to hold back. They are fully, emotionally aware people who know about these things. You are deluding yourself if you think they have lived, and should continue to live fully shielded from the realities of life.
Are you sure you aren't my sister? This sounds exactly like her, wow
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