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[QUOTEPeachSalsa;52669216]Depending where someone lives in proximity to the school dictates whether this would work or not. My kids attended an elementary school 3 miles from home (driven distance). To walk would have added another mile in one direction, due to needing to cross a very busy highway. Throw in the fact there is not a sidewalk along at least half of that distance...nope, not happening!
Their middle school and high school was 10 miles away. I drove them until they got licenses and a vehicle. Then they drove themselves.[/quote]
Wull, yeah, of course it does, it isn't written in stone that every parent must make their kid walk to school, wasn't suggesting that....there is no need to be defensive, b/c a stranger made a suggestion....
My school was a little over a mile away, so? Big big difference....
I don't believe the op is suggesting that we raise our kids EXACTLY like the Japanese do....but interjecting "SOME" of their parenting skills, as they could do the same with some of our parenting skills, might be a good idea and beneficial....sure couldn't hurt....
Idk about this. After all, in the US we are raising children in the US. The culture here is different from Japan. I don't think that whether a child grows up to be independent and self sufficient depends on whether they were accompanied to school when they were 6, or had an ugly boxed lunch.
Like others on this forum I managed to raise three children to adulthood. My kids are 24, 22, 19. The two oldest are college graduates and living on their own, in different states, without our financial support. The oldest is married. The middle has a nice girlfriend but isn't married. The youngest is still in college so we still support him. We think he his appropriately independent. He is spending the summer between Philadelphia and Washington DC. Although we have helped him pay for housing he has been shopping, cooking, cleaning, figuring out mass transit and living independently.
Edited to add: I made my kids lunch until they graduated from high school. I took a lot of heat on this board for it. Despite the fact that I did that they all know how to cook. Sometimes parents just do stuff for their kids because they love them. It doesn't have to be coddling.
All this despite the fact that I drove them to/from school when they were young. I liked the time we spent in the car after school. They were usually still enthusiastic about whatever happened in school and I found out a lot about their lives in that time after school. They liked being picked up even though many kids at their school walked/rode their bike. Coddling isn't always the motive for everything a parent does. My kids enjoyed Friday afternoon ice cream or coffee with me even when they were in high school and could drive themselves to/from school. It was a habit we continued because we all enjoyed it.
We also did the worst thing possible (according to this particular forum) and we paid for college. We paid for everything. Tuition, room/board, car insurance, health insurance, books, supplies. Everything except their personal spending money. According to some we were coddling them. In our family we were providing the foundation for a successful life.
Despite our terrible terrible parenting we managed to raise independent, happy adult children. How? Discipline and connection. Not hitting. Teaching. We taught our kids how to be competent adults along the way. We connected with them and made sure they each had the love and support they needed to be successful.
Each of them is very different and we parented them differently. My oldest/youngest never needed their homework supervised past middle school. Organization came easily to them. My middle needed help with organization until his sophomore year of high school. So he got what he needed. The other 2 don't get a prize for getting there early. We didn't draw a line in the sand. You can raise kids to be independent but they have to be ready to do it before you remove all the scaffolding. That isn't always coddling and it looks different for different kids.
My middle son was better about choosing appropriate clothing for the time/place than his brothers. He also knows how to fix things better than his brothers. My youngest is a great cook. They were all raised in the same house but they took different things from their upbringing. I am not sure Japan allows that kind of independence. Everyone has to appear the same. Since the culture is different, raising children within that culture will be different.
Depending where someone lives in proximity to the school dictates whether this would work or not. My kids attended an elementary school 3 miles from home (driven distance). To walk would have added another mile in one direction, due to needing to cross a very busy highway. Throw in the fact there is not a sidewalk along at least half of that distance...nope, not happening!
Their middle school and high school was 10 miles away. I drove them until they got licenses and a vehicle. Then they drove themselves.
wull, yes of course, I thought I made that clear in my last post????? Stands to reason.
@Momma_bear-I too have received much criticism about my parenting which many on CD think is too "coddling". I have received much advice that if I didn't change my ways, my two daughters would end up not being able to achieve independence.
Some of my faults? I was a little more careful about where I let them drive in their teens. I did not, like some other parents in my area, let them drive into downtown Denver, which they did not know their way around, at night with a bunch of other teens while they were still in high school. I didn't let them drive up in the Colorado mountains by themselves at 16, 17 years of age. DH and I were more strict about alcohol than many. We didn't have hours long, soul-searching talks about sex, birth control and abortion. And yes, horror of horrors, we paid for college (but not grad school). When the younger one graduated from college in the midst of the 2009 recession with no job and no plans, we let her live with us rather than be homeless, and we didn't charge her rent, even when she got a job. She was willing to work at a day care center with a biology degree. Ironically, she (the youngest) had some Japanese roommates her senior year in college, and these women thought American college was more difficult than Japanese. There have been many myths about Japan that they have the "holy grail", now seemingly transferred to India.
Another irony is, my youngest was almost 20 when I joined CD, the older 23. The die had already been cast. And despite not having this advice when we were raising them, they both have turned out OK. Neither is living under a bridge. The oldest has been a homeowner these past 4 years. She's been married for six years to a wonderful guy. They've been enduring the H*ll of infertility and seem to be managing it well. She has a doctorate, and just got a promotion at work. The younger has a master's degree, lives in a hipster apartment with her wonderful husband. She too, has a good job in the research dept of the U of MN; has presented several papers for her work.
Edited to add: I made my kids lunch until they graduated from high school. I took a lot of heat on this board for it. Despite the fact that I did that they all know how to cook. Sometimes parents just do stuff for their kids because they love them. It doesn't have to be coddling.
Thank you for posting this part, in particular. I pack my kids lunches, and sometimes wonder if I should expect them to do it themselves. But I didn't have a mother, let alone someone packing lunches for my younger brother and I, so really take great joy in packing little Bento boxes for them (well, until they get too embarrassed to bring a Bento box). I have flashbacks of the random **** I scrounged together to make "lunch" when I was a kid, and I just want to stuff my kids with heart-shaped cheese wedges and sandwiches. They can cook basic things and assemble their own lunches if they need to, but I like putting together their lunches. I pack them for myself and my husband, so why not the kids?
@Momma_bear-I too have received much criticism about my parenting which many on CD think is too "coddling". I have received much advice that if I didn't change my ways, my two daughters would end up not being able to achieve independence.
Some of my faults? I was a little more careful about where I let them drive in their teens. I did not, like some other parents in my area, let them drive into downtown Denver, which they did not know their way around, at night with a bunch of other teens while they were still in high school. I didn't let them drive up in the Colorado mountains by themselves at 16, 17 years of age. DH and I were more strict about alcohol than many. We didn't have hours long, soul-searching talks about sex, birth control and abortion. And yes, horror of horrors, we paid for college (but not grad school). When the younger one graduated from college in the midst of the 2009 recession with no job and no plans, we let her live with us rather than be homeless, and we didn't charge her rent, even when she got a job. She was willing to work at a day care center with a biology degree. Ironically, she (the youngest) had some Japanese roommates her senior year in college, and these women thought American college was more difficult than Japanese. There have been many myths about Japan that they have the "holy grail", now seemingly transferred to India.
Another irony is, my youngest was almost 20 when I joined CD, the older 23. The die had already been cast. And despite not having this advice when we were raising them, they both have turned out OK. Neither is living under a bridge. The oldest has been a homeowner these past 4 years. She's been married for six years to a wonderful guy. They've been enduring the H*ll of infertility and seem to be managing it well. She has a doctorate, and just got a promotion at work. The younger has a master's degree, lives in a hipster apartment with her wonderful husband. She too, has a good job in the research dept of the U of MN; has presented several papers for her work.
The proof is in the pudding, as they say. Seems like your kid have done quite well.
Thank you for posting this part, in particular. I pack my kids lunches, and sometimes wonder if I should expect them to do it themselves. But I didn't have a mother, let alone someone packing lunches for my younger brother and I, so really take great joy in packing little Bento boxes for them (well, until they get too embarrassed to bring a Bento box). I have flashbacks of the random **** I scrounged together to make "lunch" when I was a kid, and I just want to stuff my kids with heart-shaped cheese wedges and sandwiches. They can cook basic things and assemble their own lunches if they need to, but I like putting together their lunches. I pack them for myself and my husband, so why not the kids?
Why not? It brings you joy and they like it to. Win/win. Don't listen to anyone else.
@Momma_bear-I too have received much criticism about my parenting which many on CD think is too "coddling". I have received much advice that if I didn't change my ways, my two daughters would end up not being able to achieve independence.
Some of my faults? I was a little more careful about where I let them drive in their teens. I did not, like some other parents in my area, let them drive into downtown Denver, which they did not know their way around, at night with a bunch of other teens while they were still in high school. I didn't let them drive up in the Colorado mountains by themselves at 16, 17 years of age. DH and I were more strict about alcohol than many. We didn't have hours long, soul-searching talks about sex, birth control and abortion. And yes, horror of horrors, we paid for college (but not grad school). When the younger one graduated from college in the midst of the 2009 recession with no job and no plans, we let her live with us rather than be homeless, and we didn't charge her rent, even when she got a job. She was willing to work at a day care center with a biology degree. Ironically, she (the youngest) had some Japanese roommates her senior year in college, and these women thought American college was more difficult than Japanese. There have been many myths about Japan that they have the "holy grail", now seemingly transferred to India.
Another irony is, my youngest was almost 20 when I joined CD, the older 23. The die had already been cast. And despite not having this advice when we were raising them, they both have turned out OK. Neither is living under a bridge. The oldest has been a homeowner these past 4 years. She's been married for six years to a wonderful guy. They've been enduring the H*ll of infertility and seem to be managing it well. She has a doctorate, and just got a promotion at work. The younger has a master's degree, lives in a hipster apartment with her wonderful husband. She too, has a good job in the research dept of the U of MN; has presented several papers for her work.
I think you did fine, we may not all agree with the way we all parent, however, kids do not come with a manual...we do the best we can and hope and pray....that's all we can do.....
I still look back and question my tactics with my son, and ponder sometimes, if I were too this or that...I think we all do...not one of us is perfect....and we've all made mistakes....how else would we learn, I sure made some zingers....
about driving, that had to be the worst in my entire life, couldn't sleep until I heard that door close downstairs...knowing he made it home. Personally, I don't believe kids are mature and responsible enough to drive at 16...again, that's just me....doesn't mean anyone else is wrong for doing things their way.
from the sounds of things, I believe you did better than fine, they are all successful...congrats to you.
You should be very proud.
Ringo1 and crembrulee, thank you! Kudos to Momma_bear, too. Of course with mine that's the cleaned up version, but they were good kids.
Yes, the driving part was stressful. I think 16 and inexperienced is not a good combination for driving in extreme traffic in a large city, or for driving in the Rocky Mountains without an adult.
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