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So, my 18 year old daughter got into an argument with her Dad over chores, and evidently it escalated to "Okay then, I am moving out" Her dad asked was she serious... she packed a few small bags and stormed out. She has moved in with her boyfriend and his entire family. Now my daughter has no money, no job, has not graduated from high school yet and her boyfriend is getting unemployment which he is responsible to pay $500.00 per month to HIS parents toward their mortgage.
It seems at some point and time she had a discussion with the other parents about her coming to live with them, and from what I am getting, somehow the parents seem to be all fine with this. I have no idea HOW it could be fine with them when they are going thru mortgage and financial challenges trying to keep their house. It seems to me the argument over the chores was a convenient exit strategy to do what she wanted to do anyway... which was to leave home with her boyfriend somehow.
My daughter and I have always gotten along well, so this really breaks me down that she COULD put me through this type of heartache. I spoke to her briefly on the phone, I did not have much to say to her because I just have not worked out what my position on all this will be.
Her boyfriend does not get along THAT well with his Dad, so I am thinking that it is just a matter of time before they start feeling that one more mouth to feed and my daughter being there will become a problem. What if she gets sick or has a toothache, I am sure they will hurry up and dump her back on my front steps.
Now as for her boyfriend... he is okay with me, I don't dislike him, he seems to truly care about my daughter but he is 21 and still with his parents, so really these two are like the blind leading the blind! Neither of them are ready for the real world. It just seems she has picked her man over her relationship with her family.
If she came back home today, I would be okay with that and relieved, so this is really not about a battle of wills, who is gonna win out... you must follow my rules or none of that. Her Dad was fussing with her because she had not done her chores. It was really a simple thing. Do you think she is doing chores in her boyfriends family's house? Bet she is... bet she has to!
So I am sitting here, trying to think of all the variables are and how long is this gonna last, and what are the possible outcomes? What do you guys think is gonna happen here... she has been gone going on a week. How long to you think she can hold out. She is the stubborn type... In my view, all roads lead back to me because she has no finances to support herself with. I am very unhappy with this whole thing, and of course the crying comes in waves, much like it does when someone dies, but I am trying to work thru it and sit tight. I have 2 other children 31 and 28 and she is 18. I have NEVER gone thru anything like this.
I was not here when all this went down, I was at work. I am also unhappy with the fact I dont seem to be able to go to work and have some reasonable expectations that things can remain the same when I get back home. This is a potentially life changing event for me. Me and her Dad are walking around like zombies just hoping she will walk back thru the door.
If they make above the cut off point for aide they can afford some level of help for the most part. Obviously some parents have extra debt such as a sick family member or child, or lost job for an extended period which would make non help understandable. But parents like that usually will help by cosigning a student loan. My issue is more with the parents making say upwards of 70k a year and refusing any option of help whatsoever.
Obviously some parents have extra debt such as a sick family member or child, or lost job for an extended period which would make non help understandable.
And some parents just don't make very much money. For a variety of reasons which can include no education themselves. (I'm trying to make you think about the world, LK. Not everyone is middle-class or higher.)
Wow, this happened to me EXACTALLY the same way. Came off shift, husband in the recliner, her door opened and her room a wreck.
She was two weeks graduated from high school. I knew she was hard headed but my god!
The only rule to follow was the BF could not spend the night. She had to be home by 1am. No rent to pay, only worked pt to pay for her car while waiting to start college. Now she has lived there for three years, is working and going to school. I am not paying for any of it. She is using grants/loans of which I had warned her about getting into debt.
Bottom line: we do not drink/smoke/party.His family did.
They have an downstairs apartment in the parents home. My worry is no health insurance but what can we control? I too was like a zombie for months, very much like a death. This kid and I were always on good terms, nearly never a cross word.
She wanted him to spend the night, dad said no, fine I am leaving.
I called and begged, told her it is alright, just come home we can work it out. I called his mother, begged her to not let this happen, I appealed to every part of her being a mother. She blew me off.
I have no answers for you. I can only tell you that it does not get better but you learn to live with it and your dissapointments. You give your all and it hurts like hello when they throw you away. Move and start a new life, that is what I did. Still hard everyday. Stick to your guns and do your crying in the shower. This nearly broke my marriage of then 24 years. I will remember you in prayer. You are not alone.
I seen parent Let there kids Drink & Smoke in the same house BUT an 18 yr old ADULT Not allowed to have SEX! I would have left also!
Whenever I read about an 18 year old leaving....I am thinking...okay, they cut the apron strings. Good.
My kids at age 18 all needed financial help. Whether it was living at home for free, a car, cell phone...whatever. and they got those things....provided they were working or going to school.
You don't tell an 18 year old what to do....if they are already making choices. You just support them emotionally...but you have no responsibility to financially support choices you don't like.
I seen parent Let there kids Drink & Smoke in the same house BUT an 18 yr old ADULT Not allowed to have SEX! I would have left also!
Anybody who chooses to make a public case out of their "right" to have sex while on the parents' dime deserves a life of minimum wage. You want me to pay for your schooling? Then follow my rules, which really aren't very stringent. If you have sex, keep it outside the house, and use protection. If you plan on being out all night, let me know in advance. If you drink, don't drive. Make a mess, clean it up.
I think most parents are not looking to stick their noses into the lives of their post-high school kids, but, by the same token, it shows immaturity to insist on crowing about your exploits.
Last edited by JustJulia; 05-26-2012 at 09:26 AM..
Reason: snipped rude comment
Anybody who chooses to make a public case out of their "right" to have sex while on the parents' dime deserves a life of minimum wage. You want me to pay for your schooling? Then follow my rules, which really aren't very stringent. If you have sex, keep it outside the house, and use protection. If you plan on being out all night, let me know in advance. If you drink, don't drive. Make a mess, clean it up.
I think most parents are not looking to stick their noses into the lives of their post-high school kids, but, by the same token, it shows immaturity to insist on crowing about your exploits.
You have the right outlook on rules for adult children.
Now the only thing we might differ on is when an unmarried adult child and their SO Co.e to visit I think they should be able to sleep in the same room/bed. Say they live together already, why should anyone make their lives difficult just because they were kind enough to come visit on their own dime for a holiday.
But some parents are going to be sticklers and run their house like a state Penn.
Last edited by JustJulia; 05-26-2012 at 09:26 AM..
Reason: removed reference to deleted comment
And some parents just don't make very much money. For a variety of reasons which can include no education themselves. (I'm trying to make you think about the world, LK. Not everyone is middle-class or higher.)
(Thanks for clarifying about the 70K, though.)
Well if they aren't middle class then they qualify for fasfa, so the point is moot .
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she has been gone going on a week. How long to you think she can hold out. She is the stubborn type... In my view, all roads lead back to me because she has no finances to support herself with. I am very unhappy with this whole thing, and of course the crying comes in waves, much like it does when someone dies, but I am trying to work thru it and sit tight. 
I have 2 other children 31 and 28 and she is 18. I have NEVER gone thru anything like this.
I would have left also!
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