Unmarried couples who live together long term and future planning (accounts, business)
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I don't know if this belongs in the relationship forum or the finance. I figure relationship because I know for a fact there are unmarried, committed couples who post here and I think they will give me the best advice.
My boyfriend and I have been together going on three years next month. Neither of us is really interested in marriage. We both live in our own houses now.
He kind of hit me with a bit of a bombshell and I am trying to figure things out. This is a ways off, so I have time. But if the past three years are any indication, time flies. He's thinking of selling his business and early retiring in about 5 years. He wants to get out of this area (very high cost of living) and build a house out in the country. I knew about this before. The bombshell is he's expecting me to also quit my job and move in with him. He says he will "take care of me." He wants me to travel with him in his retirement.
I am on board with some of this. I want to leave this area too so that's not an issue. I've actually slowly been improving my job to make it more and more doable by telecommute. If my plan goes though, in about two years the entire job will be able to be done remotely. I hoped to also leave this area (keep my job if I can) and move someplace rural. So moving to where he does is doable for me. We are on the same page.
I also love the idea of us spending our lives as a couple, but the part I am wary about is moving in with him and quitting my job early. That is all fine and dandy when he's alive, but I worry about they day he dies. He's eight years older than me and already has heart health issues. The men in his family live to be about 60-70 (which is part of the reason he wants to retire early) whereas the women in my family tend to live into their late 90s. So if genetics is any indication, I am looking at 35 years without him later in life.
I have to keep working so I have money for a long retirement. Plus, I need health insurance. Not to mention, if I just live in his house and quit my job like he is thinking, if he dies, I am suddenly homeless as well as jobless (probably in my 50s). Even if I buy the house jointly with him, upon his death I will either have to buy his children out or they will have to buy me out (which might not be doable). Since we won't be married, I won't be able to count on government benefits after he dies either. I am sure he thinks his adult children will be kind to me and let me live in the house and such, but I've seen otherwise kind people turn nasty when inheritance is involved. Besides, it would be their money and they shouldn't have to take care of me.
And to add to all this, what if I die before he does? Accidents happen. It could be a disaster for him as well if my family suddenly owns half his dream retirement house and he can't buy them out. I too think my family would be kind, but people have a way of surprising you.
In short, it sounds like a pending disaster for one of us if we do things they way he's dreaming.
So I am thinking about this and how best to approach it. I can't do all of what he dreams of. It leaves me too vulnerable after he's gone. I'd be willing to move where he does, but I will need my own home still and I will need to keep working for many more decades so I can build up my retirement accounts more and be able to take care of myself. I can always take vacation if he wants to go somewhere, but he may just have to do a lot of travel alone. But I wonder if there are some angles I am not seeing.
I am curious what other unmarried couples do to protect their loved ones after their deaths. Did you have this kind of conversation and what did you end up doing? What precautions to those of you who live together as well take to protect each other. I would like to offer some suggestions aside from, "no, I can't do it."
I am curious what other unmarried couples do to protect their loved ones after their deaths. Did you have this kind of conversation and what did you end up doing? What precautions to those of you who live together as well take to protect each other. I would like to offer some suggestions aside from, "no, I can't do it."
You two should consult with an attorney regarding drawing up a living will, a will, and perhaps power of attorney in certain circumstances. An attorney can best advise you both on how to protect one another when one of you passes or one of you should become incapacitated.
At the very least, the home that you live in together should be in both of your names.
However, if you're going to legally and emotionally bind yourselves together like that, maybe don't take marriage off the table as an option.
It is indeed a disaster in the making. You would be a fool to do it in the way described. My elderly mother is in the endgame of a similar situation and it is just an absolute mess. She has invested 18 years in a live-in relationship with a man who has considerable assets, but where she also has zero protection from her boyfriend's children when he passes away.
You are not married. You don't intend to be married. Fair enough. But you are essentially wedding your economic and career destiny to this guy, without any of the legal protections that marriage provides. You know, for situations like this.
If he passes away, you will be dealing with his kids on the dissolution of his estate. You will be haggling over the buying and selling of the dream house you bought together.
So I guess what I'm saying is that this scenario is precisely why marriage exists in the first place. It is more than a societal sanction of physical and emotional attraction. It is also the legal framework that helps a couple build a life together. If you two are truly that committed to one another and if you are truly worried about your long-term financial prospects with the guy, why in God's name would you embark on something like this without its protection? Nitwits who yap on about it being 'a piece of paper' have never had to deal with probate courts, that's for sure.
At the very least, speak to a good attorney about the disposition of assets before embarking on this adventure.
Last edited by MinivanDriver; 04-25-2017 at 07:22 AM..
You certainly need to look out for yourself and it's great you've been thinking. He probably hasn't thought beyond "I want someone to travel with". I don't know that you need to get married but I doubt I'd give up my job under any circumstances.
You have a great idea of getting your job ready to work remotely - he may just have to settle for that! And it would be wrong of him to ask you to give up any job security unless you get iron-clad security from him. Consider though that your goals may be too different and you need a man closer to your age and lifestyle.
I read the gist of your concerns and I would encourage you two to get married.
I read the gist of the OP's concerns and I would encourage them to split up.
If marriage and all the legal security it entails has NOT been broached by this man it has to assumed
that he doesn't wish to have those obligations. That's his choice of course but it does come with other costs.
If the assets are significant enough there are other means to achieve the security and stability
that concerns the OP then some other middle ground options might work out as well.
I don't know if this belongs in the relationship forum or the finance. I figure relationship because I know for a fact there are unmarried, committed couples who post here and I think they will give me the best advice.
My boyfriend and I have been together going on three years next month. Neither of us is really interested in marriage. We both live in our own houses now.
He kind of hit me with a bit of a bombshell and I am trying to figure things out. This is a ways off, so I have time. But if the past three years are any indication, time flies. He's thinking of selling his business and early retiring in about 5 years. He wants to get out of this area (very high cost of living) and build a house out in the country. I knew about this before. The bombshell is he's expecting me to also quit my job and move in with him. He says he will "take care of me." He wants me to travel with him in his retirement.
I am on board with some of this. I want to leave this area too so that's not an issue. I've actually slowly been improving my job to make it more and more doable by telecommute. If my plan goes though, in about two years the entire job will be able to be done remotely. I hoped to also leave this area (keep my job if I can) and move someplace rural. So moving to where he does is doable for me. We are on the same page.
I also love the idea of us spending our lives as a couple, but the part I am wary about is moving in with him and quitting my job early. That is all fine and dandy when he's alive, but I worry about they day he dies. He's eight years older than me and already has heart health issues. The men in his family live to be about 60-70 (which is part of the reason he wants to retire early) whereas the women in my family tend to live into their late 90s. So if genetics is any indication, I am looking at 35 years without him later in life.
I have to keep working so I have money for a long retirement. Plus, I need health insurance. Not to mention, if I just live in his house and quit my job like he is thinking, if he dies, I am suddenly homeless as well as jobless (probably in my 50s). Even if I buy the house jointly with him, upon his death I will either have to buy his children out or they will have to buy me out (which might not be doable). Since we won't be married, I won't be able to count on government benefits after he dies either. I am sure he thinks his adult children will be kind to me and let me live in the house and such, but I've seen otherwise kind people turn nasty when inheritance is involved. Besides, it would be their money and they shouldn't have to take care of me.
And to add to all this, what if I die before he does? Accidents happen. It could be a disaster for him as well if my family suddenly owns half his dream retirement house and he can't buy them out. I too think my family would be kind, but people have a way of surprising you.
In short, it sounds like a pending disaster for one of us if we do things they way he's dreaming.
So I am thinking about this and how best to approach it. I can't do all of what he dreams of. It leaves me too vulnerable after he's gone. I'd be willing to move where he does, but I will need my own home still and I will need to keep working for many more decades so I can build up my retirement accounts more and be able to take care of myself. I can always take vacation if he wants to go somewhere, but he may just have to do a lot of travel alone. But I wonder if there are some angles I am not seeing.
I am curious what other unmarried couples do to protect their loved ones after their deaths. Did you have this kind of conversation and what did you end up doing? What precautions to those of you who live together as well take to protect each other. I would like to offer some suggestions aside from, "no, I can't do it."
I'm in kind of a similar situation with you (older SO who cannot wait to retire, also wants to leave the country to go back to his native country), and I have no intention of putting myself at financial risk in case 1. he dies or 2. marriage doesn't work out for whatever reason.
I would be supportive but practical with him re: his future plans. If he's anything like my SO he's just dreaming, so I wouldn't take it too seriously. People change their minds all the time about what they want; 5 years is a long time too.
You should have both your names on the title to the house -- as "joint tenants with right of survivorship", the house goes directly to whoever survives the other. Family members cant get involved.
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