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I don't know if this belongs in the relationship forum or the finance. I figure relationship because I know for a fact there are unmarried, committed couples who post here and I think they will give me the best advice.
My boyfriend and I have been together going on three years next month. Neither of us is really interested in marriage. We both live in our own houses now.
He kind of hit me with a bit of a bombshell and I am trying to figure things out. This is a ways off, so I have time. But if the past three years are any indication, time flies. He's thinking of selling his business and early retiring in about 5 years. He wants to get out of this area (very high cost of living) and build a house out in the country. I knew about this before. The bombshell is he's expecting me to also quit my job and move in with him. He says he will "take care of me." He wants me to travel with him in his retirement.
I am on board with some of this. I want to leave this area too so that's not an issue. I've actually slowly been improving my job to make it more and more doable by telecommute. If my plan goes though, in about two years the entire job will be able to be done remotely. I hoped to also leave this area (keep my job if I can) and move someplace rural. So moving to where he does is doable for me. We are on the same page.
I also love the idea of us spending our lives as a couple, but the part I am wary about is moving in with him and quitting my job early. That is all fine and dandy when he's alive, but I worry about they day he dies. He's eight years older than me and already has heart health issues. The men in his family live to be about 60-70 (which is part of the reason he wants to retire early) whereas the women in my family tend to live into their late 90s. So if genetics is any indication, I am looking at 35 years without him later in life.
I have to keep working so I have money for a long retirement. Plus, I need health insurance. Not to mention, if I just live in his house and quit my job like he is thinking, if he dies, I am suddenly homeless as well as jobless (probably in my 50s). Even if I buy the house jointly with him, upon his death I will either have to buy his children out or they will have to buy me out (which might not be doable). Since we won't be married, I won't be able to count on government benefits after he dies either. I am sure he thinks his adult children will be kind to me and let me live in the house and such, but I've seen otherwise kind people turn nasty when inheritance is involved. Besides, it would be their money and they shouldn't have to take care of me.
And to add to all this, what if I die before he does? Accidents happen. It could be a disaster for him as well if my family suddenly owns half his dream retirement house and he can't buy them out. I too think my family would be kind, but people have a way of surprising you.
In short, it sounds like a pending disaster for one of us if we do things they way he's dreaming.
So I am thinking about this and how best to approach it. I can't do all of what he dreams of. It leaves me too vulnerable after he's gone. I'd be willing to move where he does, but I will need my own home still and I will need to keep working for many more decades so I can build up my retirement accounts more and be able to take care of myself. I can always take vacation if he wants to go somewhere, but he may just have to do a lot of travel alone. But I wonder if there are some angles I am not seeing.
I am curious what other unmarried couples do to protect their loved ones after their deaths. Did you have this kind of conversation and what did you end up doing? What precautions to those of you who live together as well take to protect each other. I would like to offer some suggestions aside from, "no, I can't do it."
You're wise to think about these things now. There are solutions.
My SB and I, also unmarried, think that if we ever buy a house together jointly, we will do it with a reverse mortgage. This would mean we would each need to put up about 25% of the purchase price. This isn't much more then the usual 20%, and we would have no further payments to make ever. We are both willing to forfeit any equity in the home should we be the one to die first. That way the other person can continue to live in the home with no mortgage payments for life. I think it is a brilliant plan for an unmarried couple.
So, that's one possible solution. Another is life insurance.
Like you said, I don't think chores and such will be an issue. As it is now, like you said we each have our own place, but when we are together we share cooking. He does laundry (even my laundry because it's a chore I hate doing. Lol. I don't ask him to do it. He just knows I hate it and does it for me.) Cleaning would be a toss up but I'm a neat nick and actually enjoy tidying up. But I don't see me turning into a house wife. I'll hire a maid before I do that (I have one now that comes to my house twice a month to clean every other weekend. Otherwise my neat nick self would be cleaning every weekend).
As for the other wants, I guess I never clearly spelled out what I want.
- I also want to move to the country. I really hate city life.
- I want to telecommute and keep my job or find a new career that I can do in a rural area.
- I would actually like to live with him, but I'm a realist (which is why I started this thread). I don't get the legal protections of marriage under this "let's not marry" plan. But people do it all the time and I figured they might know things I don't.
For example, that joint tenants with right of survivorship is something I didn't know about. That's a BIG revelation for me. It helps too because if I sell my house to move to the country, I'd to buy another for nearly cash to get rid of my mortgage and not have to pay taxes on the sale of the real estate.
Some of the other survivor benefits are really not on the radar for me. I just can't think of a way to quit my job and not be in poverty when I hit my senior years under his ideas. But as far as his money goes. He makes a lot more money than I do, but I have a lot more saved up than he does. He has some, but not as much as he should for his age and lifestyle. Mainly that's because of his divorce. He's counting on the sale of his business for his biggest windfall. But my point is I have my investments and can take care of myself (as long as I keep working).
If you're thinking you need to reinvest into another house to avoid capital gains, those rules changed several years ago. Now the rule is you can make a 250k gain (500k married filing joint) tax-free on your primary home. If you make more, it is taxable, whether you buy another house or not.
. But as far as his money goes. He makes a lot more money than I do, but I have a lot more saved up than he does. He has some, but not as much as he should for his age and lifestyle. Mainly that's because of his divorce. He's counting on the sale of his business for his biggest windfall. But my point is I have my investments and can take care of myself (as long as I keep working).
He's probably worried about it happening again.
Simple: offer a prenup.
If no: ask why.
Explain your willing, but need protection.
Alternative:
Excepting pension (nonissue I believe) and SS (As mentioned.... not a small thing)
Everything else can be done through "more papers than a marrage lisense"
Some mentioned here.
If you choose option 2.... talk to a lawyer, internet advice might miss something.
Don't forget medical power of attorney, and similar.....
Don't want his kids keeping you out of his hospital room etc.
Wow all these posts about marriage as if it's some kind of panacea. Not everybody wants to get married, why is that so hard to understand? Marriage could actually bring in a whole new set of problems.
Seems to me that there are far better ways to protect yourself than getting married.
Nice money grubbing. So what happens if the stepmother lands in assisted living for a half dozen years followed by a few years of skilled nursing facility? For most retirees, the house gets liquidated to pay for it. If you tie up the real estate in a trust, they're pretty much screwed if they need expensive care because the property isn't their asset to sell. It's even worse if they're not married since they have no legal protections at all.
Then medicaid will cover care and the assets still stay in the family.
Who is a money-grubber? I didn't make the will. Or have any say it. I would never try to have a say. I said here what I prefer, which is what is already the case per my father's wishes. My Aunt is in the same thing - the kids own the house on paper but it's hers for her lifetime. Because he has adopted daughter from anther marriage. He couldn't rely on her to include the daughter in her will, as my father cannot with my SM.
I should feel it's fine for everything to only to my step-sister?
Life-estate holders can rent out their property, and we'd liquidate for her if that was needed. What we have is very common for blended families. It isn't so simple to leave everything to a wife who isn't the mother of your children too.
This is one of my struggles if I ever remarry. I am fine with my hypothetical husband staying in the house until his death, but then I want our assets being split between my children. I would not want a future husband leaving the house and assets to random family members on his side.
Wow all these posts about marriage as if it's some kind of panacea. Not everybody wants to get married, why is that so hard to understand? Marriage could actually bring in a whole new set of problems.
Seems to me that there are far better ways to protect yourself than getting married.
Yes there are other ways but not sure they are far better than marriage. Marriage neatly bundles all the issues together into one package with one solution. The laws are very clear on what your rights and obligations are with a marriage. Besides that it is a social and emotional commitment with more meaning than a contract (verbal or written) would be. If I were the OP I would be worried if the BF is not willing to make the commitment.
You should have both your names on the title to the house -- as "joint tenants with right of survivorship", the house goes directly to whoever survives the other. Family members cant get involved.
I think that even then, you need to have a will wherein each of you leaves everything to the other.
People who are married, even if they die intestate, that is the standard. However, you not being married and having remained unmarried, I think you could get into a nasty battle over the ownership of things like a house. For married people, a house is usually joint property - my understanding is that even if it's in one person's name, and even if they bought it shortly before marriage, if the preponderance of mortgage payments were made with joint property money, it is treated wholly or partly as joint property. But in your case, that will not be the case unless it's clearly legally identified as joint property.
I fear that a last minute marriage would not be advisable, if you are willing to consider this you need to do it now to prevent any challenges on the grounds of his incapacity or other such.
A pair of wills, made up RIGHT DAMN NOW, properly executed, would in my opinion probably shortcut all of that.
You also need to make sure that each of you is legally designated as a next of kin with authority on making health care and emergency decisions. I don't know how that's done for unmarried people.
Although it seems like the answer is a talk to a lawyer (when this is more of a reality and not five years out).
I think the time is now. Things can change fast, and I suspect that anything that appears to have been done "last minute" could be prone to being challenged.
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