My neighbors seem unfriendly - how do people in Portland get to know one another? (living, gym)

[Beenhere4ever]

Wait a minute. Did I invite them out to dinner? Where did that come from? Is the OP expecting to meet someone and fill a calendar? "Getting to know your neighbors" is getting to know them, not plunging into a personal relationship with no ceremony. You need time to feel out how much you have in common. You don't just totally drop your guard after a couple of words. That sounds like desperation to me. I wouldnt be surprised that people would be hesitant if they thought that was required. But it isn't. I don't have deep heart to heart conversations with my nearest neighbors. Mostly it is humorous give and take. We did get to a point where we stored extra house keys at one house. But it wasn't the day after they moved in. You take some time and you get a sense of whether you want to extend a great deal of trust to someone. That's really part of a normal life. In fact, if someone seems to be rushing me, I back off. I think they might have an agenda. I don't think that makes me "unfriendly", I think it makes me a sensible person.

[Sprightly]

Originally Posted by turquoise1

That sucks - you should never have to be taken advantage of as a free babysitter, EnricoV!

Not to contradict what is being said here, but I don't find strangers to be chattier than neighbors. People look at me like I'm from another planet when I say something to them. I don't think small talk is part of the culture here, for the most part. A lot of people seem rather dour and very, very serious.

Again, this is just the opinion of an outsider.

I come from a region of the country that does compulsive small talk and it's been quite hard for me to stop doing it. I've gotten burned a number of times since I moved to non-small talk areas of the country because normal people think you are weird and too forward with the small talk and often those who don't see it as a prelude to wanting much more involvement than I had any intention of. This comes back around to Minervah's excellent point that if you engage too much with neighbors and discover you don't want the involvement it is very hard to back out of after that.

There seems to just be a lack of social rules for safe interaction of strangers in modern times so many simply don't interact at all. This leads to an increasing coldness and isolation generally even though people will still relate once someone is connected through some common interest.

[Astrolabe]

I want to speak up for Portland, because my experiences have been quite different from that of a lot of posters.

Our neighborhood in SE is filled with young families from "some place else," all of whom are clearly in the same boat -- in need of friends for themselves and their kids. Relationships are built at the school bus stop, at the park, classroom volunteering, etc. Original Poster, if your immediate neighbors are chilly, go over a block or two. Don't be afraid to say hello first. Here's the advice I always give my kids: if you're on a playground or in a park, go up to kids and ask if they want to play with you. If they say no or seem rude, it's NOT you -- it's them. Maybe they're having a bad day. Maybe they're shy. Maybe they have to go to the bathroom. Maybe they're just jerks. Whatever! Go on to the next kid, because eventually you'll find one who wants to play. And that works for adults, too.

Have your boys put up a lemonade stand and sit with them, greeting passersby. Have a yard sale. See if your school has a list serve and send out a notice that you'd like to start a book club. Strike up conversations with people you see gardening in their front yards. If their response is reserved, that's fine -- you're not looking for a BFF, you're looking for a sense of community. Other people are looking for the same thing. That's why they moved to Portland in the first place.

Good luck, OP!

[Beenhere4ever]

Astrolabe: I like most of what you say. One thing that did strike me is that a good approach to making friends is learning enough about people you are around to decide which ones would make good friends for you. And then do friendly things. Also, I think appropriate conversation for a social relationship is easy to slip into, IF you don't feel you're under pressure. My father moved us a lot. So meeting new people was a once every few years thing. It did make many relationships rather superficial. But what were my family members to do if we couldn't count on staying any one place?

Today I think a lot of parents want a speed dating approach. They want to jump to a level of familiarity as quickly as possible so as not to remain isolated. It is all part of "moving forward in your career". But you might be meeting people who are very rooted. They've husbanded their connections slowly over decades. I'm married to one of those. I'm always wanting to move, like my father. She never wants to move. Can't really blame her. She doesn't really appreciate anything less rich than what she's had.

So take into account who you're dealing with. If you join churches, clubs, gyms, social service agencies, I have no doubt you'll come into contact with a wide variety of people, so that if you go down swinging on this one, you'll at least hit one to the outfield in the next at-bat (I cannot BELIEVE I just typed a baseball analogy...............I don't watch any sport that doesn't have horses in it!)

[Minervah]

I think the key thing is to seek out friends be they neighbors or those with mutual interests. Don't wait for them to come to you. People won't know if someone is looking to become acquainted unless they put themselves out there. Not everyone wants a new friend so not clicking with a potential buddy isn't a reflection on the friend-seeking person. Just keep going until you find people with whom you can click.

[smarino]

"Is it the Portland weather making people introverted?"

That's a part of it, but there's a lot of other factors in hand. I found Portland to be very cliquish and small town minded when it came to new arrivals, to put it mildly. They sure didn't like Californians when I was there! It seemed that the natives keep the friends that they had from school and are quite reluctant to let you in their group if you aren't from there. It wasn't me either. To a person, every one I've met that left Portland cited this as one of their reasons for leaving. That and the weather of course.

[EnricoV]

Odd. I don't have any friends left from my high school days (except one left over from grammar school). My friends tend to be ones who have similar interests.

Sorry if all 2.2 million of us were too small-minded for you. How'd you find time to meet us all?

[Minervah]

[quotes marino;25283147]"Is it the Portland weather making people introverted?"

That's a part of it, but there's a lot of other factors in hand. I found Portland to be very cliquish and small town minded when it came to new arrivals, to put it mildly. They sure didn't like Californians when I was there! It seemed that the natives keep the friends that they had from school and are quite reluctant to let you in their group if you aren't from there. It wasn't me either. To a person, every one I've met that left Portland cited this as one of their reasons for leaving. That and the weather of course.[/quote]

This is such a long thread I may have posted this before but just in case I haven't here is my couple of cents.

I have a good friend who was born here in Portland. Her best friends are all from grammar school and high school. They get together on a regular basis to socialize. Some are couples. But that's not only Portland. My sister who moved to Toronto still has close friends from high school in Chicago. They keep in touch and visit from time to time.

When I first moved to Portland back in the late 70's I found it to be very cliquish but I don't find that to be so true today.

[missclinks]

I am a meetup.com member (a national organization for people who want to socialize - no fee). There are tons of groups and options. I've been here three months and because of these meetups, I now have made seven friends within a short period of time who I lunch with, walk with, hike with, play cards with, etc. These are people in the same boat - either new to the city or alone or who just want to experience new places to eat and participate in many activities. Check it out.

[ca_north]

Originally Posted by knittycat

My husband and two young boys moved here about 6 months ago. While I love Portland over all, I'm puzzled again and again by what seems to be an "unfriendly" attitude.

In our Denver neighborhood, people got to know each other through their kids. Kids would play in front of the houses, or at the playground, the parents would start to chat, and friendly neighborly relationships would soon form. Our boys had lots of kids to play with - all they had to do was step outside and within minutes other kids would come outside to play too. Here in Portland, we've taken the boys out to play when we see neighbor kids playing outside, and they seem to snub us (both the kids AND the adults). With a couple of exceptions, they seem totally uninterested in talking to us. This has happened over and over, so I don't think I'm imagining it.

Just today, the boys were at a playground, and tried to start playing with some other little boys who were there. These kids totally ignored my boys when they asked them if they wanted to play and actually walked away from them twice. I just don't get it - a playground seems like the most natural place for kids to interact and make friends, but it seems like we're seen as intrusive by trying to interact with anyone there.

Is it the Portland weather making people introverted? Is it the neighborhood (Alberta Arts/Sabin)? Is it just these particular neighbors? We had tons of friends in Denver, we talk to people easily, and we are open individuals. Are we somehow scaring people away by trying to be friendly?

I'm curious to hear opinions... what am I missing here?

I'm not sure this can be asked as a generic question, since it takes effort to get vested in other people in a relatively dense city with so many choices. For example, you're less likely to speak to strangers on a crowded sidewalk vs. a sparse hiking trail. People naturally limit who they want to deal with, based on visual cues, ethnicity, or judgments about what someone drives. Everyone has ways of ruling out others, justified or not.

In the case of Portland, the "gloomy" weather might create more of a Huddling Place complex among people who may not be that way in other cities. The sunlit months might not be enough to erase it. Same with Seattle.

Another factor could be the (apparent) higher level of average intelligence and/or education in those two cities. It can make people more analytical and avoidant than those who just jump right into situations.