U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Psychology
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 08-23-2013, 10:56 PM
 
Location: Newport Beach, California
32,977 posts, read 19,947,148 times
Reputation: 12872

Advertisements

well, long story short, my loser brother in law has cheated on my sister for three times with at least three different women. He has been very abusive verbally and emotionally (I am not sure if he has been physically abusive toward my sister)

I was at her house once, and I confronted him, "why did you do it? Why did you cheat on my sister?" His answer, "because I can."

Honestly, I don't blame my brother in law solely for being this way, obviously, my sister allowed this to happen to her over and over and over again.

I've been doing some research on abusive relationship, and this is what I found out so far,

"Psychological Effects
One hallmark of an abusive partner is that he convinces the woman she is worthless or undesirable and that no one else would ever want her. The abuser often convinces the woman that the abuse is her fault, claiming that her behavior caused the abuser to react violently.
Many abused women also feel ashamed of their situation. They fear the social stigma of the "battered wife" image and try to maintain a façade of normalcy, even if this means staying with the abuser
."

Why Do Battered Women Stay In Abusive Relationships? | LIVESTRONG.COM

It makes some sense. But seriously, what are the other reasons why do women like my sister refuse to leave the abusive loveless relationship?

I am very frustrated and sad.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 08-23-2013, 10:58 PM
 
Location: Texas
43,403 posts, read 52,393,689 times
Reputation: 70378
Something a friend once told me when I asked the same question...

Some people don't realize all relationships are not like this (it is all they have ever seen).
They do not think they deserve any better.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-23-2013, 10:59 PM
 
Location: Newport Beach, California
32,977 posts, read 19,947,148 times
Reputation: 12872
Quote:
Originally Posted by stan4 View Post
Something a friend once told me when I asked the same question...

Some people don't realize all relationships are not like this (it is all they have ever seen).
They do not think they deserve any better.
Makes sense. Thanks.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-23-2013, 11:09 PM
 
Location: Ft. Myers
17,631 posts, read 11,080,300 times
Reputation: 37650
Some women seem drawn to guys who abuse them. I worked with a girl who would come into work with bruises and things like broken ribs, we all knew what was happening, but she said she "fell." When we sat her down and told her she didn't need to live like that she said "Well, I am to blame sometimes too, I make him mad." It was like talking to a wall.

If someone abused me that would be the first and only time, I would be gone. I just don't get it.

Don
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-23-2013, 11:16 PM
 
Location: Newport Beach, California
32,977 posts, read 19,947,148 times
Reputation: 12872
Quote:
Originally Posted by don1945 View Post
Some women seem drawn to guys who abuse them. I worked with a girl who would come into work with bruises and things like broken ribs, we all knew what was happening, but she said she "fell." When we sat her down and told her she didn't need to live like that she said "Well, I am to blame sometimes too, I make him mad." It was like talking to a wall.

If someone abused me that would be the first and only time, I would be gone. I just don't get it.

Don
I don't get it either. This is exactly why I don't know how to help her.

She said she loved him. I asked, "What is there to love?" She cannot give me any answers !!!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-23-2013, 11:25 PM
 
6,319 posts, read 5,684,066 times
Reputation: 11932
I don't know, I feel for you, I really do.

I know you love your sister but at the end of the day, if you can't cope with her life choices, you need to walk away.

Often people get into a weird sort of co-dependence, where the abuse is normal and makes them feel loved. It's not good, it may end up killing her, but there is not much you can do about it.

Imagine he is her heroin. She can't quit, because she won't quit.

Maybe she's absolutely petrified of him and is desperate for escape, but her reactions to your concerns don't indicate that. Also, you say he isn't physically violent, so maybe it's a game they share. All sorts of people are swingers.

Keep communication open with her by all means, just try to detach emotionally. She is your sister but she's only your sister, IYKWIM.

If I said anything to my brothers about their relationships, they'd tell me to p*ss off and rightly so.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-23-2013, 11:39 PM
 
Location: Newport Beach, California
32,977 posts, read 19,947,148 times
Reputation: 12872
Quote:
Originally Posted by cindersslipper View Post
I don't know, I feel for you, I really do.

I know you love your sister but at the end of the day, if you can't cope with her life choices, you need to walk away.

Often people get into a weird sort of co-dependence, where the abuse is normal and makes them feel loved. It's not good, it may end up killing her, but there is not much you can do about it.

Imagine he is her heroin. She can't quit, because she won't quit.

Maybe she's absolutely petrified of him and is desperate for escape, but her reactions to your concerns don't indicate that. Also, you say he isn't physically violent, so maybe it's a game they share. All sorts of people are swingers.

Keep communication open with her by all means, just try to detach emotionally. She is your sister but she's only your sister, IYKWIM.

If I said anything to my brothers about their relationships, they'd tell me to p*ss off and rightly so.

This is such a good post. Many great points. Thank you!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-24-2013, 08:07 AM
 
Location: Texas
43,403 posts, read 52,393,689 times
Reputation: 70378
[quote=don1945;

If someone abused me that would be the first and only time, I would be gone. I just don't get it.

Don[/QUOTE]

That is bc you have self esteem, options, and haven't been brainwashed into thinking it is normal.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-24-2013, 08:08 AM
 
Location: Texas
43,403 posts, read 52,393,689 times
Reputation: 70378
Oh, yes...and I have met the sick few who get off on the drama.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-24-2013, 08:25 AM
 
Location: Newport Beach, California
32,977 posts, read 19,947,148 times
Reputation: 12872
I just don't know what my sister's deal is!!!

She was a quiet, sweet, nice lady before she got married. Now, she is a complete doormat.

My mom is a strong woman, my parents have been happily married for over 30 years. It is not like my sister doesn't have positive role models in her life. Our older brother is very happily married as well.

I think my sister is afraid of changing. She does not believe she deserves better. I just don't understand why!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Psychology
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 09:31 AM.

© 2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top