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When I was little my mom worked towards making me 'smart'....taught me to read, praised me to the hilt for saying precocious things, encouraged me to show off. When I went to first grade (we didn't have K) I was the only kid who knew how to read, and the label of snooty smart white kid stuck with me for years, It was really hard for me to adjust from the expectations of my mom to the reality of the world, which is that nobody likes a show off. I was constantly being put in my place by people who thought I felt I was better than them. I didn't know that other kids were not encouraged to put themselves out there like that. When I finally decided I needed to blend into the woodwork, I spent several years NOT putting myself forward. My confidence was shot. I missed a lot of opportunities because I lacked the social skill of reading a situation and figuring out how to proceed.
I also have ADD and have worked on improving my impulse control. When I have a thought, it comes out of my mouth. I'm super observant and very practical, so lots of times I think I am making an observation or stating a fact, people think I am criticizing. It took me YEARS to figure this out.
My point is, that there are lots of reasons why people act the way they do.
I think the OPs comment was correct: People act this way because they lack self-awareness. And the ability to put others needs first
In some ways it could be a lack of self awareness, but I consider it more of a cultural difference. People are simply raised differently. I see it at my children's school where there are a lot of high achievers that are basically first generation Americans. These kids were taught to achieve and they sometimes say things that more traditional American students would most likely not say. For instance, I heard one child comment that not placing in a contest was a 'failure' and that they had all 'failed'. These kids were not failures. They were simply competing with other high achieving kids. Not everyone could place in the contest.
I'm with you
Although, I've lived in jersey most of my life so 'tellin it like it is' is normal here hahaha
Thanks, you just advised me where to go for retirement, if things won't change there in the direction they are changing in most places. Sugar-coating sucks.
When people say they're "telling it like it is," what they really mean is that they don't feel the need to exercise diplomacy when expressing their opinion, particularly if they know it's going to offend/upset/cause conflict, etc. It's always interesting to me when people assert that their opinions are, of course, not opinions at all, but some sort of definitive "how things ARE." Rather presumptuous.
When people say they're "telling it like it is," what they really mean is that they don't feel the need to exercise diplomacy when expressing their opinion, particularly if they know it's going to offend/upset/cause conflict, etc. It's always interesting to me when people assert that their opinions are, of course, not opinions at all, but some sort of definitive "how things ARE." Rather presumptuous.
Agree with all of that!
I might have some minimal respect for "tell it like it is" types if it were a two way street, but it seldom is with them. They usually get easily insulted and defensive if someone else "tells it like they think it is" and it does not conform to their worldview. They are frequently lousy listeners that just want an echo chamber.
People who tell it like it is don't bother me. They are harmless. You don't have to mind read to figure out what they are thinking. I may not always agree, but I appreciate that they were willing to put themselves out there. I'm more bothered by the person who will not speak up. That is the person who will take what another person says and will use it to stab them in the back. People who tell it like it is aren't hiding something.
If they are also willing to listen, then it is usually OK. Keep in mind it should be a two way street, not a one way street. They should also be willing to allow others with a different opinion to put themselves out there. More often than not, that is not the case with them. They not only want to be extremely assertive, they usually want an echo chamber, too.
Agree the people that never speak up can irritate, too. Still remember a date I went on a few years ago. She waited until after we ate and left to tell me she has never liked that restaurant. Good grief, this was in a mid-sized city with numerous choices, not podunk. I would have been fine eating somewhere else. Thanks for allowing that vent.
There is a happy medium and thankfully most people I know can be assertive at times while remaining respectful of others.
Last edited by chessgeek; 07-02-2017 at 07:11 PM..
There is a happy medium and thankfully most people I know can be assertive at times while remaining respectful of others.
Yep. It's possible, with self-awareness, to be both assertive and tactful. It's not like you have the option of either being a mealy-mouthed doormat or being utterly strident and obnoxious, and nothing lies in between.
I know a person who is extremely proud of "telling it like it is", always interjecting late into conversations with the "perfect solution" and just generally never even considers that she could be wrong once in her life.
It is exhausting to be around someone who believes that they "tell it like it is" and whatever they say is correct no matter the subject because they "tell it like it is" and that is the end of it.
I tried to explain that maybe sometimes "telling it like it is" is really just that person's interpretation of the situation and it may not be "like it is".......Obviously it didn't work.
What the hell is up with these people? Do they really believe that whatever comes out of their mouths is they "way it is" ???????
Is it a complete lack of self awareness or what?
My Aunt is extremely, very proud of this. Especially hurtful things. And then, I kid you not, SHE gets hurt when people react. She expresses it as anger, but as she goes on, a tone of hurt comes into her voice as she repeats 'I was only saying.....' and IDK. In my head I'm thinking that is NOT all you were saying! I react to the hurt sound as is my nature, but really? That is weird.
And God help you if you ever even do 1/100th of telling her 'like it is' on ANY topic......
She also never, ever, says anything close to 'maybe I was wrong' about ANYthing. The closest I heard her say was that she 'regretted' something. But that is really, really rare.
She is 'done' with me for a couple of things that are odd to be done with me over, but I knew I was taking the chance when I defied her......
Yep. It's possible, with self-awareness, to be both assertive and tactful. It's not like you have the option of either being a mealy-mouthed doormat or being utterly strident and obnoxious, and nothing lies in between.
For my Aunt that is exactly it. She went from one extreme to the other and is stuck there. She said she had a counselor try and get her to be assertive w/o being aggressive and she can't. The first counselor had her learning to be assertive, and I wasn't around for that transformation, but it took.
She also wants me to be less .... not sure the term. But there was a guy here installing the fridge and he wasn't allowed to install my old water line. He relented as a favor but made it clear that it would not be fair to come back on him if a problem were to occur. He asked me for a tool and I went to fetch it. She stopped me and said 'don't do his work for him'. I said he's doing us a favor. Why not hand him a tool?
She would die to see me with my regular maintenance guy. I always help. I learned being the assistant to my father growing up and it just comes naturally! That is part of the 'superiority' thing. We are NOT laborers <gasp>. Her sons are laborers, btw. She's an interesting person. (she did give him $20, which was generous for the small task and likely what he was after when he agreed to do it).
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