The psychology of female sexuality

[Sassybluesy]

Us ladies say it all the time, like...ALL THE DAMN TIME, that we like self confidence in a guy.

[Sonic_Spork]

I repped those who were recognizing in thoughtful language the fact that there is NO "one size fits all" way to analyze this subject accurately. Even putting it the way the thread title does, oversimplifies it to an impossible degree. As individuals, each of us is a unique stew of our genetics and our upbringing and our experiences with others throughout life. Women (people) do not emerge from a bubble like a brand new toy coming out of its packaging even if you find some young virgin with no sex/relationship experience. She still would have her experiences with family growing up to model what she believes about sex and relationships. And any genetic, environmental and health related factors. Stop trying to figure "women" out, and just figure YOUR woman out.

My ex never understood why I didn't value him as a "protector." He said about a million times he'd kill or die for me. He fantasized about some dystopian, post-apocalyptic Mad Max like situation where one day "the balloon goes up" and his skills at protecting and providing get to shine, and he still tells me I'll be real sorry when that day comes, that I didn't stay with him. See the problem there, is that I prefer to use caution and wisdom to avoid trouble, not to seek it out and then whistle for my pet goon to come deal with it. I don't NEED a protector and I've no interest in living some survivalist scenario where I would. And in the end, the only person during the entire 20+ years since I met him, that I've legitimately felt was an actual danger to me? Was HIM. So all that posturing did was make him look like an aggressive and abusive jerk. It never turned me on. Not one bit.

The man who will likely become my husband #2 is a Buddhist. We've never had a fight, and we've been together almost 3 years now. Peace, joy, and frequent, glorious, uninhibited sex. My life is great now.

Originally Posted by fleetiebelle

It is interesting that in the #metoo moment that so many women are talking about their sexual experiences and their behavior. In that we've talked about "enthusiastic consent", but then the other side of the coin is that more women than you'd think talk about having sex that they didn't really want to have because rocking the boat or saying no would have lead to greater issues. And it's not that it was necessarily abusive or coerced or bad sex, but more that it was easier to do it than to not do it.

The OP, coming from a male perspective, has probably never had sex he didn't want to have. You do hear that a lot from some men, that all sex is good and they're ready to go at any time. It might be more complicated for women, but that doesn't mean they don't enjoy sex, it just means that an unsolicited dick pic doesn't turn their crank at all.

I don't go so far as all of this. I would never consider the sex between my ex, and I, unenthusiastic though I was about it, to be a consent violation. I was choosing to be in that marriage with him for what I thought (and still believe to be) valid reasons. I was trying to do what was right for my kids, and hoping to heal my ex's damage and bring him to a happier lifestyle as well--I had hope for us. The fact that it didn't work, doesn't change my conviction that my motivations were worthy. Having sex with someone when I really wished I didn't have to, would have been a small price to pay if my goals and ambitions had worked their way to fruition. And frankly, during all of that time, I didn't actually understand why I didn't want him sexually...I thought there was something wrong with me, that I had no sex drive. It was only after I got some distance and perspective I was able to understand what was really going on there. Hindsight is 20/20 and all.

[Lovehound]

Originally Posted by homina12

I don't think there is a psychology of female sexuality. Maybe some tendencies, but as others have said, those tendencies are more based on the constraints we place on men and women and their self expression, sexual or otherwise.

OP seems to be looking for a playbook.

Of course there is a psychology of sexuality and it is 100% certain that male sexuality and female sexuality are very different. It is also a certainty that human sexuality varies widely between individuals irrespective of gender.

Personally, I think the idea expressed in the OP is just sick. I think that situation may possibly occur in some relationships, but I think more often than not I think that is just not the case. To me it sounds like maybe 2 degrees of separation from an abusive relationship.

I myself would not tolerate such a situation, and if I were in such a situation I would ether seek counseling, seek couples counseling, or get out of the relationship.

Originally Posted by Sassybluesy

Us ladies say it all the time, like...ALL THE DAMN TIME, that we like self confidence in a guy.

That explains my recent dating success, considering that my self-esteem took a sudden turn several months ago, all to the positive, and shortly after that I started online dating. (This was the result of a self-improvement effort approx. 5 years duration.)

[homina12]

Originally Posted by Lovehound

Of course there is a psychology of sexuality and it is 100% certain that male sexuality and female sexuality are very different. It is also a certainty that human sexuality varies widely between individuals irrespective of gender.

Personally, I think the idea expressed in the OP is just sick. I think that situation may possibly occur in some relationships, but I think more often than not I think that is just not the case. To me it sounds like maybe 2 degrees of separation from an abusive relationship.

I myself would not tolerate such a situation, and if I were in such a situation I would ether seek counseling, seek couples counseling, or get out of the relationship.

I'll match your certainty with my own that when people are honest, you find about as much difference regarding a psychology of sex among individual men, or among individual women, as you find between a random man and a random woman.

[Lovehound]

Originally Posted by homina12

I'll match your certainty with my own that when people are honest, you find about as much difference regarding a psychology of sex among individual men, or among individual women, as you find between a random man and a random woman.

I stated in my post you quoted, "It is also a certainty that human sexuality varies widely between individuals irrespective of gender." You are agreeing with my statement.

[Sonic_Spork]

And for what it's worth, the book I recommended, "Come As You Are" does not so much attempt to provide a Unified Theory of female sexuality, as it does to illuminate what's going on behind the scenes of certain emotional scenarios, and gives the reader tools to work with a partner towards healthier sexual outcomes. It does a good job (in my opinion) of allowing for the wide variance that will be present with different people.

A good example is in describing a woman's sex "drive" as a system like a vehicle with an accelerator, and brakes. I knew during the bad marriage that something was hitting the brakes. I felt a hesitation, a desire to find excuses, a wish to not engage in sexual activity, and inhibition that I didn't want to be there. I did not do much to figure out why, but I didn't have a lot of context to what an emotionally healthy relationship should look and feel like. The biggest why factor, is that I didn't trust him. I felt a need to protect my true self, my inner thoughts and desires and fantasies and all, from him. Somewhere along the line, I got the (true) message that if given access to this, he would at the right provocation, weaponize it and use it against me. So I reached a point where my sexuality was carefully locked away, not accessible to him, nor even to me.

But it is me, the individual, who grew up surrounded by unhealthy conflict, and who cannot deal with conflict in my home. My reaction to it, is to hide and avoid. He might have been hoping we could have explosive fights that ignited passion, and then wrestle one another into a hot bedroom scene from there. My reaction from my childhood programming, was to retreat deep into myself, hide, go silent and cold to him. Another woman with a different life history, different genetics, different everything, might engage with him the way he wanted, but I could not. Feeling unsafe somehow, will hit the "brakes" on a woman's desire pretty reliably.

[Lovehound]

Thanks again for recommending the book, I reserved it at 3 libraries and it's on my future reading list. I may even buy a copy. I'm writing into a female dominated genre (with a mostly female audience demographic) and anything that helps me understand women better will be of immense help.

Re: trust, there cannot be any real love relationship without trust. You can have a flawed relationship but lack of trust will keep it from being what it should be.

Men have that "brakes" thing going too. I had a second date planned but the woman kept cross examining me, "Don't you remember I already told you that?" so I pointed out her behavior knowing it would provoke a FOND response, "Have a good life!" I wished her same, no need to plan that date now! Men do not like to have a woman constantly throwing things back at them. That's shrewish. And I bet women dislike the same in men.

[mizzile]

Originally Posted by Wordsmith12

I've read that women can especially get in the mood under these circumstances:

1. He gets mad at her and is justified in doing so: She may want to have sex because she doesn't want him to be upset with her. She wants to make things better and feel closer to him.

2. He stands up for himself: She gets turned on by his boldness/self-confidence. He stands up for what he believes in, exuding a great deal of masculine energy in the process.

Is there truth to any this, or are they old wives' tales? Ladies, please weigh in.

No truth to this nonsense whatsoever.

[Mr.Retired]

There are no guarantees in life when it comes to finding Mr. or Mrs. Right
Snow White and Beauty and the beast.
Beautiful stories.....but does not fit into modern day reality.

I can't kiss a woman and make her wake up and love me nor can a woman kiss a man and turn him into a prince.

The best answer I ever found that still makes sense to me today was a song by Crosby Stills Nash and Young

If you can't find the one you love honey love the one your'e with........love the one your'e with....doot...oot
doot...oot.....doot....oot....doot...oot....doot.. ....

[TheTimidBlueBars]

FWIW, the single thing my past girlfriends have all found attractive in me could be called a *lack* of initiative. I used to project a very apathetic, sarcastic, brazen attitude toward the world, which is pretty cringey in retrospect but worked for that limited purpose.